Train Ride to Nowhere

Hi Nargles,

This poem has meaning in it, and I think I can see what you mean. Firstly, I think I should give my opinion and try and guess what you truly mean this with poem and then point on your weak points.

You are running away from something or rather someone who has kept you prisoner for a long period of time. I think your use of the train in this poem is the long distance you desire to flee from this predator of yours. In my opinion, I think despair does not exist unless there was happiness previous in the situation. So you're running away from happiness or maybe you're previous source of happiness into the 'fields of despair'. Even though I don't understand how that works and why you would be running intentionally into fields of despair if you were happy he got away from something so evil in the first place.

In the end of the poem you claim that you were 'too far away from home' which resulted in me thinking that it was once your glorious haven until something terribly wrong happened. 'Derail the carriages' Makes me think that you don't want to go to your despair or go back home, you want to say in the neutral void in between.

The first and second stanza are both in different tenses which somehow doesn't make sense for me. I would have preferred if you unified the tenses to make the flow and the idea to work out better. Another point is the fourth verse of the first stanza. 'Your last words still heavy on my tongue' This makes no sense, how can someone else's last words be heavy on your own lips? Unless you wanted to say the exact same words back then I suggest a rewording over here.

All in all, I think this was a well-written poem and with a few fix ups and just a tad more imagery it should be a great poem. I personally think it should be just a little longer because I caught myself actually curious about what and who was chasing you. But I do understand that some poems need to have that mysterious and sad theme to it so I don't want to pressure that point more than this. Keep writing my friend.

Ahmed

Hey... Great theme to write a poem on. Great work. It is short but sweet. There are a few mistakes which i will be telling you.
In these lines
Slipping away has never felt so bitter-
Your last words still heavy on my tongue...

Putting a hyphen was not a necessity. You could have used a comma instead of a hyphen
I felt this line
Slipping away has never felt so bitter- Also did not make any sense at all.
Anyways Great work ... Tired Of writing reviews
Keep Going

Nargles,

The theme of this poem rang familiar with me, but even so, I thoroughly enjoyed this. It's simple, straight forward and full of longing. You set a tone that you carried through to the end, and for that I applaud you. I do want to point this out,

Slipping away has never felt so bitter-
Your last words still heavy on my tongue...

Here there and Happy Review Day!! lol I'm not part of a team so I will try to do this review justice on my own. So, here we go!!

What I liked:

1. The emotion. You did great at displaying the emotion of feeling kind of lost and hopeless. Loved it.

2. The flow. You managed a great flow with your great uses of punctuation and your diction. Great work.

What I didn't like:

This one will be done by stanza.

First stanza: The second line doesn't make any sense. You talk to the reader except for that line, which seems like you are talking to some one in particular. This ruins the effect and tone of the poem. It happens again in the last line with your. It isn't point of view that changes but rather who you are speaking to.

Second Stanza: This one was really good. I love the "derail the carriages" part. I know this is under the "What I didn't like" part but I guess it doesn't really matter either way. I liked everyting else but that one part in the first stanza.

Overall: It is a really good piece, something you should be very proud of. Great job!!!

Hi! I love, love, love this poem!

I like the way you entwined feelings and actions without having one dominate the other. Does that make sense?

There is only one grammatical correction that I would apply, if I were you. In the 3rd line of the 2nd stanza, it says "I was to far gone". The word "to" should actually be "too." Other than that, I there's not really much you could do, in my opinion, to make it better.

I don't really know what to say, other than, "Congratulations! Great Poem! Bye!"

I must be a slacker today. OR maybe, most likely, your poem is just THAT good and I've never seen work like it, so I'm struck dumb for comments.

Okay, well. I guess that's it.

Great poem!

With Love,

Paige



PS: Is that Logan Lerman as your avatar? *giggles* He's just so indescribably cute! We should have a fan club.