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139,852 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
That is one of the most important things people need to remember in their lives!!Your poem reminded me of some very famous lyrics, no wonder that song is still a success:
''Υοu need to be yourself
You can't be noone else
I'm feeling supersonic
Give me gin and tonic''
Your words are better though.I can relate to it in numerous ways so in other words, thanks for
the inspiration, I think I might write something with kinda the same subject!
This is amazing Libby!!!!!!!!
How do you even think of phrases like that.
My favourite is stanza 5 it 's very well written. Overall well done, but I'd maybe change "if snobbery the world over" because it doesn't sound right, the idea's good but you might just want to re-word that line.
Great idea for a poem!
Xxx XxNeverisforeverxX
Nargles,
I really love the idea and message behind this poem, there's a lot of self empowerment here, and I think it shows especially well through the tone.
I think this is stanza alone acts as a good illustration of what you're trying to say. I like "ongoing screaming" I also like how you are constantly referring to desire-type words: need, want and then fragments. There are a lot of fragments. I get this definite sense of desperation and uncertainty, but it's only through having read the poem in its entirety that I can make some sort of judgement as to what I think "It" refers to.
Careful with fragments. They are good in one sense and bad in another. The stanza reads very vague as an introduction - there's no real certainty as to what the subject is - and then there's no verb! Well, I take that back. There is a subject and there is a verb.
Your subject: It
Your verb: is
What does all this mean? What is happening? Keep a lot of what you say, but I would suggest rearranging somethings and just zeroing in on what "it" is, and what "it" does. Word-choice will be your friend here.
That being said, your second stanza is marvelous. There's a lot of this red and green imagery that I absolutely love. I see a speaker who is envious of others' desires, a speaker who is somehow losing the flame with his/her own desire - I mean, you've captured that quite concisely in this stanza.
This line is a bit awkward. I can see "upturned noses paint the picture of the snobbery" - the world over is what gets me ?_?
This stanza is marvelous. I love the honesty in this. The last line was a bit of a downer. "Oh so bright" killed it for me, it doesn't seem to match the rest of the tone or seem to be something that the speaker would naturally say.
The ending was nice as well with the repetitive "you are you" - overall I enjoyed this poem to bits despite my nit-pick-y-ness xD
One more thing Nargles! Regarding the poetry workshop, I did manage to reply to your post! I just wanted to tell you personally somehow since I know our notifications system isn't working. I am intending to PM you the workshop document though, so let me know if you don't want it otherwise.
~ as always, Audy
Hey there, Nargles! Rosie here!
I don't have time to launch into a full review right now, but I still wanted to at least leave a comment on here to tell you how much I like this. It's a wonderful little poem, and it's definitely motivational. I can identify with it quite a bit.
Up until a few months ago, I was living my life for other people. I said that I didn't care what anyone else thought of me, but I didn't mean it. So, after realizing that living in other people's opinions of me was detrimental to me, I started following my own rules. I stopped caring what anyone thought of me, really stopped, and my life's improved so much since then. I've gotten weirder, sure, but I've also gotten stronger. I feel so much better; it's like the weight of the world is off my shoulders!
I love this poem! Always keep writing!
-Rosie
Thanks heaps, don't worry about reviewing it now it doesn't matter. But i am glad you can relate to it. I think that most people and especially teenagers can relate to it. There is always that peer pressure to do things and live up to expectations. I am glad you enjoyed it!
Love Nargles xxxx