Slipping away

Hey Nargles!

I am probably a heartless person, but I wasn't really affected by this poem as much as the other reviewers were! Which is okay and everything... poetry is supposed to affect us differently, after all!

Still, one of the things which left me ambivalent about this work was because it was just so abstract. I mean, I understand where you're coming from. I have had people who have been joys in my life and I felt them slip away. But, the way you write it seems so vague and impersonal that I am not really involved with it.

What I just said sounds silly. Let me try to explain this better...

Basically, you know how you sometimes hear stories by other people that just touch you so much that you end up saying something like, "Oh, I know!" and then you launch into your own story that's similar? That's kind of what I like better. It's personal and it draws you in because of its personality so you want to share with it.

This, for me, seems about as personal as a horoscope (which I largely ignore). I mean, yeah it tells you things that you will probably happen in the course of your day. But, it's so vague and unspecific that this is a given anyway.

So, I think you really need to get the emotion out in a personal way. This is okay, but you need to put yourself more in the poetry and stop hiding behind an abstract wall.

Great poem; captures the emotion of losing another so eloquently and with such substance. It's not too long, and it's not too short; just the right length.

Normally, I have a problem with having an incorrect meter running throughout the lines, but for the first two paragraphs I'll forgive you as it added to the poem; slowing it down when needed, and creating under-statement which added to its potency. For example, line 2-4 slows down the pace just enough to feel the impact of the words. Also, I'll praise your use of punctuation here, as they too help with the pacing.

The last paragraph I didn't like so hot. While the words, and pathos are certainly there, the imbalance of the meter threw me off - however, this is probably just an idiosyncracy to me, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. I'll praise you again with the use of punctuation as it helped the poem, especially in the last verse, flow a lot more smooth.

I also liked the twist as the end, revealing the loss of identity of the speaker as their other is pulled out of their life. There's a Joni Mitchell song: "A Case of you" which contains the lyrics:
"I remember that time you told me you said
"Love is touching souls"
Surely you touched mine
'Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time..."
I feel that it captures the same emotions that you were capturing in this poem - I recommend you listen to it, although personally I'd say Prince's cover of the song, is more powerful!

Overall, a great poem in every way, and I hope to read more from you.

Take care and enjoy your day!

[If you have any comments, queries or problems with this review just contact me and I'll be more than willing to help you out.]

Wowee! The emotions of depression and sadness were portrayed in such a way that it literally yanked at my heart. Beautiful poetry. I liked the paragraphing here and the rhymes were pretty good too. They didn't at all feel childish the way most rhymes seem to me. And I also like the idea of writing 'I feel you slipping away' at the end of the first para while 'I am slipping away' in the end of the last para. You described both, the person who is talking and the one that person's talking about.
Spinning in this endless state of despair --- I don't know why but the word 'endless' being repeated here kind of makes the line seem a little out of place when I read it. But you know more about poetry than me. I quite enjoyed it. Do post more!