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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Okay. Decent poem. It was pretty and a little like a children's poem. I enjoyed it. However, I noticed a certain problem with the grammar/punctuation in a few places.
Second stanza, lines one and two: Slamming the door, you breathe a sigh of great relief. There should be a comma. See?
Stanza four, lines three through six. There's two ways of going about it. One: And you will learn more from those jewels stacked so high than you ever would if you were stuck in school. Two: And you will learn more than you ever would if you were stuck in school from those jewels stacked so high.
The main problem is verb tense, but the word order is a bit wonky.
Otherwise? This was good. Simple, but good. Put a smile on my face, anyway. But for more YA/adult poems? Dive into the emotions. Show us the person. Show us the books. The place. Describe. Use words you might not in daily conversation. Make the line lengths slightly less uniform. Etc. Whatever have you. This was good, but it was a rather basic sort of free verse poem.
'Course, you might already do that, but this is more of a child's poem. I don't know. Just be aware child's poem isn't an insult and all.
Keep writing,
Cas
I whole heartedly agree with your poem. Books do everything you say and so much more. I can really relate to this poem because this is how books are for me. I especially can relate to the first stanza. The way your poem is set up too I really really like. I will definitely use your stanza setup for my own works. (I need to work on set up) There are a few things that hopefully I can help you on. : ) Just take what you need most of what I say.
Also a period after forgotten.
First off:
"They release you when that
Anger bubbles from inside
They’re your escapism from
When you’re trapped deep below.
Getting whisked away to places
By that magic stacked so high."
I think a period after "inside" would help your poem flow more fluently. I also think that capitalization at the beginning of each line is not needed. That is just my opinion though. It might also make the poem flow more nicely too though and add spacing between your sentences. This first stanza paints a simple and beautiful picture in the readers head. I love it so much.
Next:
"Wonders soar before your eyes,
Lives of those brilliant fly by.
Worries are forgotten,
Anger is tucked away
For another day due to
That life stacked so high."
I think instead of a coma after eyes you can put a period here too. Your second sentence in this stanza seems complete to me.
Also:
"Filled with joy you realise
That beauty of life.
And you will learn more than
You ever will, if you were
Stuck in school from those
Jewels stacked so high."
Maybe instead of "that" in the second phrase, you have "the" and multiple "lives". This stanza is so descriptive and I also get a beautiful picture in my head. Also very relatable. : )
Last:
"Escape to a magical place
And come back another day.
The breath of fresh air you
Receive will last a lifetime.
The smile on your face will always
Shine with a book on your bedside."
This last stanza is so beautiful. I absolutely love it. It ties the whole poem together. : ) Very very good. Bravo!
Nargles,
I love this poem! ^^; I love the concept behind it- I think it's something that all of us here can relate with actually, and I find a surprising lack of poetry on this site that go into much depth about the magic of reading, so! This is quite refreshing as well. I think the strongest bit about this poem is the imagery. You do a great job mixing these wonderful images with emotion, so I commend you for that! Your love of reading shines through the piece ^^
So your weakest aspect then would be your flow. Flow is something that is very technical for some, and for others very intuitive. The disruption in the flow of this, I think stems from your construction of the piece itself - it's very tightly formed. You have your rhyming and you have 6 lines per stanza - that's a difficult feat. My advice for you in the future is to write more free-form. I'd love to see what you can do when you're not bound to meter.
"escapism" here is jarring. I've read through this stanza about a dozen time and each time I keep stumbling on this word- it's a mouthful! Why not just use...escape? o.o
Another thing to note throughout the poem: watch your prepositions. Watch out for words like "from, that, to, by" use them very sparingly in poetry, or else use them carefully.
Note the difference between:
Nargles jumped on
a log and towards
a tree, she hopped into
a puddle sea behind
the forest frogs.
and
Nargles jumped on a log,
ran towards a tree
she hopped into a puddle sea
behind the forest frogs.
In the first example, notice how the article "a" is lined up. It's like a glaring sign saying LOOK AT ME - I'm using the same sentence form over and over and over. Notice how in the second, you don't notice the article at all. Keep your articles invisible. They're meant to be invisible. Notice also, how all in the first example, all the prepositions are in the end of the line? Try to never do that, unless you have to. It all depends on what the poem calls for, but in general, you never want to do that. In fact, if you can remove them from the poem completely, do so!
Some poets will cheat
with this. Instead of refraining
from using prepositions,
they'll hide them
until they seemingly disappear.
What you put towards the end of a line matters. The emphasis is in the end. What you put in the beginning of a line is just transition
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any more questions, oh and...happy birthday!
~ as always, Audy
This is beautiful and wonderful and I agree completely. If find your style of writing a little disconcerting but I think that's just a personal thing. I didn't notice anything wrong with spelling other than a possible, not-word. "Escapism"? Though it makes complete sense and it is actually a word, I think it sounds rather awkward in the rest of the poem.
I like the way that you used "stacked so high" enough to create a sense of understanding within your poem, but not enough as to make people get sick of hearing it. Continuing with that idea, you then go on to say, "Shine with a book on your bedside," as the ending which is a pleasant surprise and really makes the book seem even more significant because now the idea of it stands out against the rest of the poem too. Nice work!
"Filled with joy you realise
That beauty of life.
And you will learn more than
You ever will, if you were
Stuck in school from those
Jewels stacked so high."
This is my favorite stanza because I just think, Yes! School sometimes feels so pointless when I feel I can learn so much more about.. well, everything, just from reading the books I enjoy. That way you made me feel there? That is how I think a poem should work. I'm very proud and happy that you have made that in this poem.
Other than the few things I've said, I don't have any other complaints. Your poem captured me and kept me. You have reminded me with the important bond I (both lovingly and sadly) share with my books. Thank-you for that. You have truly created a piece of art.
Mith
Hi there
567ajt here for your review. I came across this because I liked the simplicity of your title. I've noticed that a lot of your poems have one worded titles, and are about their titles. As an example, Blame is about...well blame. I have noticed the bluntness in the title, but the beautiful poetic nature of your actual poem.
This poem reminds me of a song called Feeling Gravity's Pull. It's about the protagonist falling alseep after reading a book. In his dreams, he sees everything that is in the book come alive before his eyes. This poem reminds me of that idea of escapism (well, that very word is in the poem). I also find your poem to be very relaxing. Like, very laid back and simple.
Your use of words is excellent. I really get a feel for relaxation and almost boredom of real life. This person wants to forget about life, even for just one day. So they take the route of reading. It is something which, as you suggest, opens doors for creativity and originality. Reading proves to be a great inspiration for imagination, something which society seems to lack. Your last stanza is ruined slightly by the "magical" place; it sounds a bit out of place. Nonetheless, you deliver this idea of a perfect haven in a flawless manner.
I am greatly impressed. Inform me when you have posted more.
9/10