You're like a worn path,
Leading me,
But to the wrong destination.
You're like the clouds,
Promising me snow,
But giving me only rain.
You're like a new pair of jeans,
Feeling warm and snug at the store,
But won't slip on when I'm home.
You're like a piece of chocolate,
Promising to be filled with sweet filling,
Only to give me a bitter aftertaste.
You're like a new CD,
Looking to last forever,
But getting scratched the very next day.
You're my air,
My water,
But you're the wrong kind.
You're the king that lies,
The kind that cheats,
The kind I can't live without.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
I will say I did like it. It's not wonderful or anything, but it's sincere and it shows that you are a promising writer. I remember the poetry I wrote at your age was just atrocious...granted it still is, but I like to think less so. It is a little predictable, but the end was still pretty decent. Work on it a little, add a little more dramatic flair and perhaps a few less similes. Honestly some of them take from the depth of the meaning and are a little tiresome. But it's still promising =]
Hello Forestqueen, I'll be your reviewer. I'm unsure what to say, sadly this comes off contrived and I'm afraid that's putting it lightly. It very pretentious. And really when your similes are just that similes and no longer telling us about the person we have a problem. See to begin with we have major issues.
See what this suggests is one thing 'A worn path' means it been travelled often and by many. Which is this context if it's wrong path then elaborate why, show don't tell. That's what this poem suffers from, from square one. You give us an image that sounds good but then without even explaining it just drop it. Then another and another and another. It repeats ad-nauseum and the readers are forced to jump about like they're on a mine field as each image is flung in their face at incredible speeds before being dropped and another one given.
When writing a poem you don't drop images like every second, you explore on them elaborate you give the readers the emotion, the feelings, the intense anger you feel. But here you just put us on conveyor belt give us an image then move on, give us an image then move on.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but only way I learned was by remembering two things subtlety is great and show the readers, never tell them, it bores them as suddenly you locked them out.
I sincerely hopes this helps, and I apologize if this came off harsh. But I really hope you learn from this.
...Interesting similes.
I wouldn't say that they're completely irrelevant to the subject matter, but it does come off as a bit odd.
Also, I don't agree that you have to be overly obvious with the message; that destroys the whole point of poetry.
To make it more interesting try utilizing the other senses, and show instead of telling.
Hey Forest!
You keep on using similes and such to say what the person is like, but your similes never really tell what the person is like at all. What does it mean when someone is like a worn path or a cloud or a new pair of jeans or a piece of chocolate, or a new CD? I don't really use those descriptions to describe a person! So choose your similes better. Make us understand exactly what you mean when you use similes. And, if you're talking about how he lies and cheats and yet you can't live without him... say it! Don't give weird similes. It'll make your writing much better if you are honest with your reader, trust me.