I wrote this for an English class, please comment!
Where I am from
I am from dew sparkling on the grass
As the sun rises to begin a new day
I am from Saturday morning cartoons
Classic Digimon, Sonic, and Kirby too
I am from four smelly brothers
Leaving unnecessary gas around the house
I am from five older sibling marriages
I am from nine nieces and nephews
Begging me to play with them
I am from four older brothers
And three older sisters as well
I am from the beautiful, cool, mountains
With crystal clear lakes wedged in between
I am from purple violets
And silly rolly pollies hiding in their shells from me
I am from a world of rejection
Of pain, of tears
I am from tear soaked pillows
And screamo music
Letting me scream along
I am from the words “I’m sorry”
And “I love yous”
I am from a world where the only thing
Holding me together
Is the love of my family and my God
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Lack of punctuation, and capitalization of the first letter of every line are tow things that really bug me when reading poetry, both of which you did here. But that's just my personal pet peeve, some people don't mind, but it's just a suggestion. So anyway onto the poem itself, it definitely isn't an overdone poetry subject, which is a breath of fresh air, except this part which seems a little on the emo side.
I like the idea behind this poem quite a lot, the execution wasn't amazing, but it's still a pretty okay poem. I (and this is just me) found it to be a little childish, I liked it alright, but I think it's missing that real poetic quality. Like the first stanza- It starts out very nicely, but after the first two lines it goes a little downhill, it loses it's poeticness. Also let me point out that here- You either want to make them both plural, like or But keep writing and expand your poetic style. Keep writing.I love you! hahaha
Okay, here I go:
A comma after 'Kirby'
Woah! the last sentence is really random. I would suggest mending this in with the two lines prior.
Is it just me, or do you see lakes to be more peaceful as being 'wedged?' I feel like they are calm and cool, so wedged sounds too violent. I would say something like "they float between mountains" or something like that, you know?
I think 'letting me scream along' is a little plain. Maybe you could say something like "the screamo music that covers up my screams."
So I had this exact assignment, and I wrote this same thing. If I wrote it and you did, don't you think others would, too? Is your English teacher sick of this? hmm...
This is a very beautiful poem, and I feel like I know you more! Great job.
~Classy
Hey there!
I like this because it is a personal poem. It's not something generic, not really. You've put yourself into this poem, you've put things that mean something to you in this poem, and that really shows.
I would agree with Empress and say that perhaps more emotion could be here, rather than just an explanation. But it was lovely, really.
~Amy
I agree with Durrance, however I think this piece would be nicer if you hinted more at emotions in this stanza
It would have been cool it it was either half happy, half sad or alternating verses of happy and sad, so it feels like a more complete picture.
But it's absolutely your poem and you can do whatever you wish with it.
keep writing,
Empress
It's really cool how you put parts of yourself into this poem, and we can really see that. However, it's confusing how you slip between typical urban living and almost perfect scenery. You have to read it twice to really get used to it.
. I really loved it. What did you get for this piece, an A? A plus?
At the start I was kind of imagining the beat in my head, but then the words didn't fit into the beat and so that confused me further. You'll see that the first few lines almost line up, but the remainder do not. Could you find a way to fix that somehow? It would be wise.
In all I loved it!!! You put a fair amount of yourself into this piece and it gives it emotion and volume. I probably look like an idiot saying these things, but I couldn't think of any other words
Durrance