She laughs like everything is okay.
But she feels pain every day.
No one knows the price she has to pay.
She talks back.
But the only reply
Is a whack.
She covers up the bruises.
But no one knows how much
Blood she loses.
Her smile is just a mask
Her laugh is just a mask
The make-up is a mask
Can't you see the pain in her eyes?
There is no light, no shining light.
Because of her mask.
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quite plainly I agree with the first post. This is repetitive, and needs a lot more work. It is a good idea, but you need to lengthen the poem, and take out all of the obvious mask references. Imply more things, and make us think harder.
really good, i got what you were saying. but like the other comment said, you need to find a way to make the repetition work
Hey,
)
Well to be fair this topic is a very overused one. (I've written a poem about masks as well so I would know
I like your style, but I do think it would be much more interesting and creative if you would use metaphors like someone above me said. This being so that you do not fall into the average cliche.
All in all good job though, just try be a bit more original and unique
xx Mia
Hi, Forest! Remember me?
It's nice for me to be able to see one of your poems, so hopefully I can help out with some suggestions. First of all, I have to say that although I looked once at this poem and thought it was hopeless, I looked closer and found that you have some good things going for you.
So rhyming poetry is hard to do well. You have to control the rhyme and make it sound effortless instead of forced. Somehow, these two lines just fit together really perfectly. The rhyme sounds absolutely natural, and by tweaking the rhythm just a little, it seems to be exactly how these words were supposed to be written. (I would say 'but no one knows what blood she loses', just to make it shorter and to fit a meter.
Also, though repetition doesn't always work, I thought that for some reason, the last line of this gave a new dimension after the first two. It wasn't deep and it wasn't thought provoking, but I felt like it pointed to the right direction. What else is a mask? Is the way her lip twitches a mask? The things that people like about her? Maybe things she's studied as valuable in other people and now she adopts so others will like her?
Please do consider everyone's advice from this thread. I don't think this poem can continue in the form that it's in now, but some of the ideas and rhythms you've stumbled on can be used to your advantage if you were to do a rewrite!
Let me know if you have questions, okay? ^___^
-Hannah-
I would be much more impressed with this poem if you took out all of the obvious and hid it underneathe something...well...less obvious. For example you say, "she feels the pain every day". Take that idea and tuck it under a rug. A metaphorical rug. Now write about that rug. Is what I'm saying making sense? Maybe another example - the masks you talk about. You don't have to tell me what a mask is hiding. I know why a person wearing a mask is wearing it! Give your readers more credit. Describe the masks without saying mask - use some other nouns. What can a mask be made of that's like make-up but not? What would represent a smile as a masque.
Good start. Dive deeper.
Too redundant. Sorry, but that's all I really have to say. To make the repetition work, you need more description, more emphasis on everything. Make me HURT like she does. then, you will have a nice poem. Then, you will be able to get away with repetition.
Love,
Fixed