If you were mine
I would love you more than you could ever dream of
If you were mine
I would hold you in my arms in the night
If you loved me like I love you
You would whisper "I love you" in my ear
If you loved me like that
You would kiss me tenderly before we said goodbye
If we were finally together
We would gaze at the stars
Naming them after each other
If we were finally together
My life would be complete
If only you were mine
If only you love me like I love you
If only we were finally together
My life would be complete
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
I like this its good
CheekyMonkey97 x
You did a fantastic job of showing real emotions, and I think a lot of people will identify with this poem.
The tense feels a little awkward though.
It changes between tenses three times in a stanza. If you write "were mine" it would probably work better with "loved me"
ur poetry is very simple...... and sounds good..... i like the way u've expressed ur love.... whomever it implies for is lucky.....
keep going...... keep writing.......
Not any flaws to point out to, so I guess this one gets a gold star.
Have you thought about writing a tune to this poem, to make it a song?
The rhythm of the words is really strong and could work well.
- C
I liked this poem a lot. I didn't see anything wrong with it; but maybe you should add some similies, or metaphors. That would help. Like 'without you I will be like a puzzle missing a vital piece' or something.
Good luck.
-Mizzle
Hello there forestqueen!
It's a lovely poem, but there's no meat in it. What I want you to do is add more metaphors, similes, etc. I have been in the same situation that the poem is talking about, yet i feel no link between myself and the poem. Give your readers more to connect with. Give us the history, the who, what, where, and why. I'm not trying to be mean or cruel, but this poem sounds almost like a 7th grade diary entry. Add some spice to it and it will go far!
Feel free to message me if you have any questions. I think it is a good poem. You just need a little more to make it great.
Princess
you have no idea how much that matches my predicament right now. You made a comment on my heart strings and now it's my turn. i loved it. the naturality. the love and endearment of wanting someone to be with you and for whatever reason cant. death, sickness, broken heart on either end or even if they are with another person and you know they are no good for them. the code you spoke of the heart, wanting to break all rules and rush in is beauitfiul. that's all i can say. ... all i can say. amazing