Her eyes were more like stars
In the sense that when you began to gaze
You saw God.
The inky irises fell to her shoes
Spilling rose colored water
Down her cheeks.
Faint light sparkled in those depths
A faint light glowing
Past the past.
Your skin turned to glass
And those eyes dove into
Every thought.
Your heart lived
Remembering every fire
That lit.
The stars peering
To the shadowed forests
Fall.
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Canary word: Present
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127,785 Literary Works • 671,486 Reviews
Hey!
I love this poem, the imagery and subject matter are so ambiguous and intriguing that it really pulls you in. Your descriptions are effortless and build up a detailed picture that you should be proud of.
I do agree with DanceingTreeElf here - the ending is a bit convoluted. When the line "That lit." ends with a full stop it doesn't flow with the rest of the work. Also the last line seems confused. Is it the peering stars that fall or the shadowed forests? Perhaps going through it and reading it out loud will help you find where to change something to add better understanding to the ending.
Also, "past the past" is an odd line to read. Although the words means different things, the sound repetition is a bit jarring. Again try reading it out loud to see how it feels.
Despite this, the poem was a great read and very enjoyable. It holds a lot of meaning and the imagery you conjure is intriguing and profound. Well done, I hope to read more from you soon!
- Arathorth
Hi Forestqueen808,
This is a very beautiful piece, but then at the same time I became very confused towards the end. Your words paint a beautiful picture but then it seem like the ending seemed kinda off. It was like you were being judged by out Lord but them you were just being looked down upon by a watchful glare of some other deity. (Sorry if that does not make much sense). But non the less i loved it and it is a powerful free form piece.
I also have the question that scribbles had. Is God being portrayed as a woman in this poem? If so, you do not see many of those but it was a wonderful personal characterization that you wrote.
~Danceingtreeelf
Hi Forestqueen808,
I like this poem. It has a certain mystery to it that's just appealing. The ending however seems off. I'm not sure what you mean from about the third to last line, to the end. It is very powerful up until then, then it just kind of pitters out. Overall though it is a very strong poem. The way you described her eyes was especially nice, almost calming in a way.
I am curious though. Is God in this poem portrayed as a woman? I know God is neither man nor woman, but I am curious. God isn't usually portrayed in a feminine way,(which he/she should be more) but if that's how you wrote this poem I really enjoy it.
This is an amazing poem! As always, keep up the great writing!
-Incohesive Scribbles