This is in honor of December 7th, Pearl Harbor Day and all the men who died in the bombing
Brave men died
Without a saying a proper goodbye
The blood red sun was the last thing they saw
Before the climbed the ladder into the skies
A United States Flag
Floating to the bottom of the menacing sea
Red, White, and Blue
Trying to stand true
America cried that day
Cries of anguish from wives and parents
Questions from the mouths of children
Pain filling hearts
Tears filling the ocean
Nothing was fair
Nothing was right
No one should have died
No one should have had to cry
Prayers were whispered
Candles lit
Red and White stripes lowered
And hearts were hit
A United States Flag
Floating to the bottom of the menacing sea
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139,566 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey Forest! I've been reviewing a lot of your poetry lately, and you're pretty good once you get away from cliches and repetition. Those, I think are your two biggest downfalls. I think the beginning of this poem is the best part.
After that you go onto the repetition of the crying, and it gets a little tedious. But I quite liked this, keep writing.Hello Forest! This was a very pretty poem with a sweet message. Pearl Harbor was definitely a touching day in the history of our country, and you captured that very well. However, poetry wise, this does have a few problems.
I always thought orange and yellow were the colors that described the sun. Secondly, blood and the sun don't really mix together for me.
I like the use of this line;
and the later repetition of it.
Other then that, I think that the subject matter of your poem was a little off. You spent too much time talking about the grieving families, which could be applied to a generic situation.
Spend more time actually focusing on the Pearl Harbor attack. If you don't know that much, do some research. Watch movies, read books. Coming into this poem, I expected a creepy but tragic adventure.
Make sure you don't get sidetracked.
PM me if you have questions.
I'm here!
I always loved hearing about Pearl Harbor. I actually went there once, and it's extremely awe-inspiring. You've hit the right chords a few times with this piece. My favorite line is "A United States flag floating to the bottom of the menacing sea." I'm not sure if the sea should be called menacing in this instance, but besides that, it's such a lovely line.
In fact, it would be neat if your poem focused more on the US flag and the sea, which is a metaphor for Pearl Harbor. Currently, we have a constant repetition of "people crying" in one way or another. But I think it'd be best if you focused more on Pearl Harbor rather than the people effected by it. Perhaps replace a stanza or two with that metaphor I mentioned.
Poetry-wise, there was some clunky wording that could be fixed after a read-through (or maybe someone will come by and give a generous line-by-line), and the rhyme scheme was all over the place. I'm not sure what the rule is with that, but it's true, lol.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!