The night is all around me
No stars glimmer
No moon shines
Only a wolf's howl
Can be heard in the distance
The wolf cries of loneliness
The wolf cries of a forgotten love
The wolf cries for the forest
The wolf cries for me
The smell of tears is fresh
The warm liquid
Seems to burn my cheeks
The pain is real
And I can't get rid of it
The wolf howls to the moon
Wanting his love
The wolf howls to the mother Earth
Wanting to be loved
The wolf howls to me
The pain burns in my heart
Like a fire in the night
The pain is real
And I can't fight it
I can't get rid of it
I can't let go
The wolf is silent
He can't let his pain go
He can't cry anymore
He can't howl with sorrow
He can't howl to his love
He can't save Mother Earth
He can't gaze at the moon anymore
He can't feel warmth
He can't see the light of a brand new day
All that is left
Is the cold night
All around him
No stars glimmer in the darkness
No moon shines
Only a wolf's howl of sorrow
Can be heard in the distance
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139,566 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey Forest!
As people have said before me, you've done really well with this poem. It has great imagery, and paints lovely pictures in my head. But the repetition is a problem. Thing is, I love repetition of significant lines, but when each line starts with the same phrase it becomes redundant. Why not just take it out?
Nice job!
~Amy
I completely love the idea here, but there were a few minor... issues I had in places.
There were times where it was very repetative. For example, towards the beginning you used "the wolf" at the beginning of each line for awhile. Since it was in the part of the poem where you want to really hook the reader, you should spice it up a bit. Maybe using other words like "he" or other pronouns instead of "the wolf".
You did the same thing deeper into the poem with "he can't". You went on with this for about six lines, and this honestly bored me. You could drop the "he", or use a synonym for "can't".
Overall, the poem was well written and the idea and emotion cooperated well together. Work on the repitition bit and you could have an outstanding poem here.
Keep Writing!
~Lukan
Hey Forest, I really liked this poem, the only problem I had was that it didn't really tell a story...but that didn't bother me too much. One little bitty thing I think you should fix though.
Take out that part because you already said that the pain was realOh my God!! I loved this poem!!! I almost cried when I read it!!! I loved it!!! Great job!
Queenie!
I said I'd take a look at this, so I'll do my best for a worthy critique. I'm not much of a poet, so forgive me!
I think this is a great poem you have here, really! The imagery was fantastic. I could picture this very clearly in my mind, so kudos!
The repetition of "He can't" got a bit carried away though. I think only a few lines is needed there, not two stanzas' worth. I could feel my mind straying, losing my attention because it was bored. Repetition like this is a great tool to use though, so definitely don't get rid of all of the verses!
This verse particularly bothered me, but I can't seem to pinpoint the exact reason why. I think it's because it just seems to repeat what was already said. The poem could probably do without this verse altogether. It sounds clunky to me. For example, lines two and four here threw me off. I would probably be alright with it if the other three lines that started with "The wolf" were better phrased, but I still hold to my suggestion. Just get rid of this stanza. It seems to be repeating what was already said anyway, and thus no purpose in this poem.
One verse that I absolutely love is the last one. I love how you ended the piece. This is one of me, if not the, favorite ways to ending a poem. Tying back to the beginning just gives me goosebumps every time it's done. Excellent job with the beginning and ending, and ending is extremely important because the reader will remember that bit the best. Applause is in order!
That's all I have to say. Hopefully I didn't say anything useless? Again, great poem! I think with a few tweaks, you'll have yourself a gem here.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Beuno! I like your poem. It has a good voice behind the words. Like Audy said. it is walking the line of being superfluous. I think you are very capable of creating lively imagery. Just keep writing and reading! Read and then write, read when you cant write. It will do wonders for your craft.
Hey Forestqueen, I'll be your reviewer for today!
The format and sound of this piece sounds more like a song than a narrative poem - it might could even go under "lyrical poetry" because there are many repetitive lines such as "the wolf cries to me/ the wolf howls to me" that you bring back - and I actually like the effect. Also I love how you ended it with the repeated refrain you used in the beginning, that was a nice touch - it's like we get some kind of echo-effect that really goes well with the imagery of that wolf howling.
And while the repeated line works in that particular case, try not to go overboard with the repeated lines because then it becomes superfluous and unnecessary. We don't want to read "the wolf, the wolf, the wolf, the wolf" "he can't, he can't, he can't" over and over again. Part of writing poetry is trying to depict new experiences in new and interesting ways, so experiment!
Also adding metaphors and any sort of literary element when you can could do wonders to a piece and I think this will benefit. A good start, please look into improving this! And keep writing!
~ Audy