Gollum.
The creature
In the Misty Mountains,
Who wails to be alone.
He’s trapped,
He’s confused,
He’s selfish,
He’s alone.
There is a Gollum inside of us.
Who is trapped by our past actions,
Who is selfish and wants it to be our own,
Who is alone.
Our heart aches without our precious,
But it aches with it in our hands.
We cry for our precious,
But we cry with it.
But the precious doesn’t care.
Doesn’t care about our pain,
About our loneliness,
About us.
There is a Gollum inside of us,
Trapped, confused, selfish.
Who weeps,
To be so alone.
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
A small point for you: The name Gollum comes
from the old word "golem," which is an artificial
creature with no soul.
Its sorta okay I guess... But I liked it. The repetition of the word alone didn't click with me. Neither did the fourth stanza. But I like the message. But, thing is, you said it too plainly.
Hi Em!
I didn't you know were a fan of Lord of the Rings! It's a pretty cool series, isn't it? Anyway, your poem. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't really that good either.
To me, your message seems a bit flat out, like you're shoving it in the reader's face. I don't have the time for an in-depth critique right now, but don't feel rushed, okay? You can make your poem as long as need be. Take that time to flesh out what you really mean by 'acting like Gollum'. Maybe you could focus on one character or narrator.
Hope this helps, and keep writing!
-Elinor
Hiya!
I like the metaphor you've used with the gollum inside of us all.
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For me the repetition of "He's" doesn't work on the last line of this stanza, I think if you just left it as Alone it would make it more poinient.
In the rhytm of this stanza it sounds a little awkward, I'm not sure how you could reword it, it just sounds a little off to me.
I might possibly cut the "About" from "About our loneliness" just because it's a little repetetive. You could possibly look into some similes for selfish because it's used quite a lot as well. I do love the metaphor in the poem and think it's something people can relate to