Nobody knows how I feel about you
How much I think about you
How much I love you
Nobody knows my secret desires
I desire to kiss you in the rain
I desire to hold you in the night
I desire to love you in the cold
I desire to have you in my world
I wish to be with you
I wish to be in your arms
I wish to love you
I wish to have you in my world
I want to hold you
To kiss you
To love you
To have you
My secret desires
Are making my heart ache
But they don't have to be a secret
They can be desires that come true
Release the secret
Come to me
Let me love you
Make these secret desires
Secret no more
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139,687 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
Hi, Forestqueen! I liked reading this because I can relate to it, and I'm sure a lot of people can.
The problem I had with it was that it's very obvious. You put your whole soul down on the table, gave away all your feelings too easily. As the reader, I didn't have to work. Does that make sense? I think you could convey your ideas more strongly and beautifully if you used some imagery. Make the reader think a little bit. It would make for a much more satisfying experience.
"I desire to kiss you in the rain"
This line has been done by Taylor Swift so many times. It's not original. However, I do like very much this line:
"I desire to love you in the cold"
One last thing: for the whole poem, you're addressing him about your secret desires to love him. Then, at the end, you invite him to "release the secret." Does that allude to the fact that he might have secret desires for you as well? As the reader, I found that this didn't sit well. I said to myself, "Where did that come from? Does he really like her? Does she just want him to? I don't understand." Perhaps you could tie this idea in sooner, or make it clearer what you really mean.
Good ideas, great potential!
Hope everything made sense.
-Rachel
Hi, Forest.
I like this poem. It was very deep, but the only thing I felt wrong with it was that it was a little too repetitive. Besides the, "I wish" and the "I desire" parts it was too repetitive. But very good poem otherwise. Oh, and the punctuation is very off. It's very easy to fix, so I hope you can do it on your own, since this is just very brief.
Good job though, and keep writing. Stay chill.
- CreativeFreak
So passionate! I love ur poem.