Young Writers Society

Hey Forest!

I really liked this, and I think it was well written. You made me curious, and very sympathetic towards the character. I think you really got the feeling out through the poem, the sadness, the annoyance, the hopelessness, and the twinge of anger.

Good job, and keep writing!

~Mo.

Hello!

I have to say I thought this was pretty good.

You've got a good start on describing the emotion: the sadness, hopelessness, showing that the love still exists. You seem like you're wanting to let out stronger feelings like agony and despair, but they're not really poking their heads out yet.

I really like that the kiss is haunting; it gives it a surreal feel.

Maybe more detail would help that: Why did he leave? Apparently, if he kissed you before he left, he's still in love, so why leave? Or maybe the case was he didn't love you and kissed you anyway. If that's the case, show that and then go on to show more why it bothers you so.

"Your face keeps creeping into my mind." Don't you hate when that happens? I know I do. But what does the face look like? I don't mean blond, green-eyed...I mean what's the emotion he showed? Or what's the emotion he didn't show? Why do you keep seeing it?

How does this haunting kiss affect your everyday actions? Sleeplessness? Crying helplessly at random moments?

Expand a bit to bring it all home. Just a few touches of raw emotion and a bit of a backstory will do it. As I've said, you've got really good stuff so far, and I enjoyed the read. I really hope it becomes more and look forward to reading it again when it does.

Take care and great job!

Hey Queen!

Ah, love and heartbreak! Don't we love them? Well... not really. Nice imagery that you used, about the haunting kiss and such. Some good stuff here!

Now, the main thing about this poem is it tells you what happened without really telling what was significant about what happened, and that is a problem! The vagueness makes the heartbreak and woe sound more contrived than it probably was! So what can you do? Describe a bit more. Don't just tell us that his kiss never should have been given to you... describe how his kiss haunts you. Yeah... I pretty much loved that imagery, if you couldn't already tell. XD So use it! Make it have a more ghostly feeling to it and really let your imagination run wild. It'll be awesome, trust me!

It's really good but i'm a little confused. So the guy leaves then returns then leaves? and why cant she get him out (and out of what)? But besides that it good.