Mr. Bandana Man

by Forestqueen808

Published August 20, 2012

In Poetry

Mr. Bandana Man
I saw you on the street
And you held a jingling can.

Your hair has grown so long
I can barely see those lips,
That once sang me a song.

What happened to you bandana man?
What happened to those happy blue eyes,
That reminded me so much of august skies,
And your warm, open heart,
Oh why did I ever part?

I can’t help but remember
When you laid with me in the sun,
During that warm september.

But now I see the tears in your eyes,
Oh how could I be so unwise?

Mr. Bandana Man,
I see now---
I was your world.
Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
katngo73
Review
katngo73 wrote a review Review · Aug 20, 2012

Hi!
I think this was a really great poem! But I got somewhat confused how the author is supposed to be related to this "Mr. Bandana Man".
Although, at the end, I realized it.
But still, it sounded somewhat weird at the end because it sounds... too short?
I usually like to end poems with the reader wanting more... ORRR..... with a bang to stun the reader.
Do you know what I mean? I hope you do!

Keep Writing!
~Kat

User avatar
MorningStar
Review
MorningStar wrote a review Review · Aug 20, 2012

This has potential, but I see a few problems.

Your rhymes tend to be Dr. Seuss-like: rhyming "long" and "song" isn't exactly as poetic as I can only assume you were hoping for it to be.

Your stanzas also make it hard to follow. Poetry tends to have similar stanzas throughout, and yours change. This distracts the reader; makes them stop and think about the rhyme scheme, which is fatal to a poet. You don't want someone to stop out of confusion unless they're trying to analyze your poem. It leaves the reader unsatisfied.



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