He was the one
I felt it in my heart
The day he told me he loved me
The first day he held me in his arms
I can remember
Every little detail
The moments we shared together
The moments our hands were always intertwined
I remember Christmas
The small teddy bear
He gave with me and words of love
Were exchanged, along with my first kiss
But he left me
He left me standing
Standing in the snow all alone
But he still had me, he still had my heart
I'm so cold
So broken inside
Tears flow still, even after a year
I knew he was the one, but again, I was wrong
He won't remember
The moments we shared
The words we exchanged every day
The days he belonged to me, and only me.
But I will
I will always remember
The beautiful moments we had
And the beautiful love we shared
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139,649 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
Hi!
not a bad poem, but not an amazing one either.
the piece was missing something. like another reviewer said, it needed something to make it more interesting and not so straight foreward. i could feel what you wanted me to feel and it was ok.
i did like how you changed the mood of the poem as it progressed, this is good stuff.
but it really needs a good twist if i'm honist, something to spice it up a little bit.
anyway, a good write. any questions, be sure to pm me
i must say I did enjoy reading this poem though it might seem a bit too deep and yet simple its not easy to express such immense feeling with words and you did kudos to you. I especially love your stanza 4
"But he left me
He left me standing
Standing in the snow all alone
But he still had me, he still had my heart"
The repition from the first to thw next, though it didnt last i enjoyed it while it last
Hi,
I really loved the third stanza. I love how you capture a moment in time.
I'd cut out anything that sounds like something you've read before, for example references to the heart, being held in his arms,the one, being broken. I'd replace these kind of statements with the sort of imagery you use in the second stanza. Can you describe how the speaker feels about this character through imagery? How does she act and react? Instead of having the speaker tells us she remembers all the details, share the details with the reader. Suggest her love and loss through what she sees and hears rather than stating it directly.
The best thing you can do for your poetry is read poetry. There are loads of anthologies out there which will introduce you to a range of writing styles.
Hope this helps,
Jas
Well, it's OK. I will give you that much. But for my preference, although written beautifully, I feel it is too straight forward and simple. Too simple. There is no spark so to speak. That is my honest opinion though. But if I let go of that opinion, I think that the feelings in this poem are deep. You describe happiness at one point and then you execute the sad part at the right time before the poem gives away.
The part where you say,
That was the best stanza, I like the nature of the words. That's about it.