Tears are warm and fresh
But you don't see them
You can't even see
Your own selfish, cold heart
My hands shake uncontrollably
But you don't feel me
You can't feel the pain of my broken heart
And you never will break it again
A smile appears on my face
You can see it
You can feel it
Its real
You're gone
And I don't need you
I won't ever need you
My heart is mending
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139,646 Literary Works • 672,640 Reviews
Hi. KL here, at your service.
First off...
"Mending Heart". Ah, yes. Completely relevant to the poem. Although I expected more fluid content, and therefore I was greatly disappointed to see that this poem was, in fact, very cliche. I immediately lost some of my enthusiasm. Now then...
Rhythm is off. Imagery is overused already. Coordination of some ideas are faulty and cliche. Lacks punctuation at some points, e.g. at the end of the first stanza (a comma should be located there), a period at the end of the second stanza and the last stanza. All in all, stanza needs some revision.
R-h-y-t-h-m~
I'm not trying to sound conceited or hypocritical or anything, but please... that's what creative writing is there for... to create images that isn't really what they show. A two-way mirror. A metaphor.
Sudden change in format is awry. Lack of punctuation in all lines; comma in first, semi-colon or period in the second and third, period in the last. "Its" should be "it's". There is a big difference between the two, mind you. Please be careful.
I trust you could have found a better way to present this idea to the readers. This is just overflowing with cliche-ness. Throughout the poem, you were inconsistent in rhythm, and truth be told, it really puts a reader off. Put simply, this poem needs serious revising, more creative imagery, and less cliche lines. If you are able to do that, this poem might actually show better potential. All in all very plain; a bit below average, really, but can be made into something great with proper editing.
Wish you all the luck. Happy writing. Just PM if you need to clarify anything.
Sincerely,
KL.
Whoa. I really, really liked this. Seems like everyone's covered most of it, so I'll keep my review short. I really like the idea, a lot, actually. It's been used, but it's still good. Great work. Keep it up.
Tata for now! PM for reviews, I'm always happy to help.
-Mizzle
<< And I don't need you
I won't ever need you
My heart is mending >>
Nice poem...Good Job....
*_*
Slandie
Hey!
I loved this poem! I will never be able to write something as genius as this, go Forest!
In some parts it wasn't as dramatic as others. The reader would kind of just be hanging on those parts, waiting for the next bit, but not really taking it in. A big gulf between them, nevertheless a needed one. Try to spruce it up?
Maybe I wasn't able to supply some reviewage that hadn't already been said, but I'm glad I got to read the poem. I think it's the first of your work I've read. If not, sorry. I also think that's the first time in my life I've used the word 'spruce' - eugh.
Keep writing!
~Durrance
I think that this is a very nice poem. The lines
"You can't even see
Your own selfish, cold heart"
Seem a bit awkward to me. Maybe try rearranging the words a bit, or joining up the sentences and breaking them up differently.
The line
"My heart is mending"
Is pretty awesome. Very inspiring, to me at least, and an excelent way to end the piece. But maybe you should concider topping it off with a period.
All in all, very nice.
-Kelcia
This has a progression of plot throughout the poem, which is rare among much of the poems in Dramatic Poetry. Starts out emo and ends optimistic. Congrats.
Despite this, it is rather cliche, and stanza 3 seems odd. Why are we able to feel the smile? Perhaps you should instead say that you can feel the smile, and replace the seeing of the smile with something else that you do, since you can hardly see your own smile without looking in a mirror, which would throw off the beat.
~Aet
Oh dear Forest. This is terribly generic (in a different way then the others think) and by no means matches up to your other poems.
The lines are threadbare and the language is drab, no colourful words to spice up the poem were used.
Also:
Its real becomes It's real.
Overall, drab and cliche. Stick to your other poetry.
Kamas
Yes! You don't go emo the entire poem! You actually deviate from the overall cliché 'OMG I miss you so much' in this poem, which is a lovely thing to see. So thumbs up for the ending!
However, I think it would be nice if you went into more emotion in this poem. It would be especially nice if you expanded and explored the end more and made it the central theme of your poem rather than just a side note at the end.
But, it was pretty cool!
~Amy
Okay, you got no periods here and that makes it one big sentence. Nope. Selfish cold heart is a bit cliche. Also this poem seems a bit abrupt to me. Not a nice even flow and connection of things. Like how your heart was broken? Or what is making you so sad? We can see the after effects but not what's happening. And that makes it rather annoying (to me).
Other than that you've done well.
Goodluck, keep writing.
Silented1.
P.S. It's good your heart is mending.
This poem seemed very dark in the beginning for me; but the sadness reflects in an almost peaceful, and accepting way- which evens it out really nicely. I've personally never had a broken heart, so I don't know exactly how to relate to this poem, but just from reading it, I think you captured the feeling, and emotion well. Perhaps using stronger vocabulary in the lines, maybe substitue 'cold' for another...? Other then that- really great!
Hello Forest Queen! I'm Kat, but I think we've met
Anyway, review. Onto it.
First of all, I'm going to slightly disagree with Eli above. Because! To me, when I cry, my cheeks get all red and my faces gets really warm, so my tears are only fresh when I touched them with my hands, other than that they feel warm. So, it might be a possible explanation for that line, even though only you can answer that xD
Here, I think it sounds too used. Not quite a cliché, but very common and that has a simple fix! Mix up the words, join in some imagery, make it dreadfully awesome.
The lines above these were awesome ^.^ Anyway, two advises here: take out the broken heart part, makes the sentence choppy; and make the last sentence like this 'And you'll never break it again', it helps your flow.
And that's about all I can do tonight! It had something refreshing to it, even thought it's a very used theme, which is good. Now, you'll have to watch these kinds of poems, but I think you'll be fine. It was a good poem.
PM me if you have any questions!
- Kat
Hello again Forest. I enjoyed this poem; it was a lot better then your Pearl Harbor one.
The beginning is a tad on the emo side, reflecting on how sad the earth it is, which I do not like. I enjoy the ending for this reason.
However, one of your similes in the poem doesn't really make sense. I don't really imagine tears as being warm and fresh.
That's all for now.
Keep Writing.