The Memory Haven
It's strange how many things
Remind me of you.
Especially inside the Memory Haven.
The cold hard gray walls,
Like your cold, selfish heart,
Only wanting what was best for you.
The fresh mint plants,
Like the cologne you used to wear.
The dirty snow,
Like your dirty, self absorbed mind.
The wild, dark sea,
Like your spirited indigo eyes.
The brown, sticky mud,
Like your clingieness and lies.
And the bright purple lilac bush,
Where we sat and exchanged our love.
No matter where I run
Or how tired
I become,
I can never escape,
Never get away,
From the bittersweet Memory Haven.
Its strange how many things,
Remind me of you.
Especially in the Haven of my Memories.
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The Memory Haven
Its strange how many things = " Its stranged....
Remind me of you. = " reminded me of you "
Especially inside the Memory Haven.
The cold gray walls
Like your cold, selfish heart.
The fresh mint plants,
Like the cologne you used to wear.
The dirty snow
Like your dirty, self absorbed mind
The wild, blue sea,Like your spirited indigo eyes
The brown, sticky mud
Like your clingieness and lies
And the white and yellow daisies
Like the one you placed in my hair.
No matter where I run
Or how tired I become, = "or how tired I became"
I can never escape, Never get away, = I can never escaped, never got away"
From the bitter sweet Memory Haven.
Its strange how many things, ' its stranged ....
Remind me of you. = " reminded me ....
Especially in the Haven of my Memories.
Definitely, this poem is good and has poetical value as far as I'm concern. Its a free verse style written as they came in your mind. I just got few corrections as to their tenses.Since you are relating past events, I think it is just proper and fitting to use past tenses of verbs or ajectives you used.
thanks for sharing this great poem. Keep writing for I can see you got the passion and and skill to weave words of wisdom.
Hi, Queenie!
You have some excellent poetry! Of course, this is coming from someone who isn't much of a poet, but I must admit: I enjoy some of your work!
This line is lovely! It ties so much better with the idea of a "memory haven" becuase it's an actual scene in the speaker's memory. I think if you had less of the appearance imagery (such as describing his eyes or mind), use more of this. There's a lot of different types of information in one's memory, but these little snippet scenes seem easier to understand.
I think the second stanza here is gold because it ties in with the first stanza. However, the stanza before it seems out of place. There's repetition of Memory Haven in both last lines of the stanzas that is more out of place than a literary device. Rewording that stanza would be good. That way you can end with "Especially inside the Memory Haven" like you started with. That would be good for your piece I think, so try to work with that.
The second to last stanza needs some attention. It just seems out of place, I guess. You start with the message of the poem, go into a list of evidence as to why the speaker feels this way, repeat what the speaker has been proving about not being able to forget the guy, and then repeat the message.
Hopefully that made sense! I can't think of anything else to say though, so great job! You have some wonderful poetry!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Heya, I'm Selene! I'll be your reviewer for today.
Stanza-by-Stanza -
Change 'its' to 'it's'. You could change that period to a comma I believe, as well.
Eh, this seemed to be lacking in depth. Sure, you showed the reader the "cold, grey walls", but what about them? Why does this person have a selfish heart? Try expanding more with the few-words structure you've set up for this poem. The following lines seem to suggest vanity, not selfishness.
Also, add a comma before the first 'like'.
I like this stanza a lot. The only thing I would change is 'blue' to dark, because obviously the sea is blue. Churning would also suffice.
Again the comma before the 'like' and periods after 'mind' and 'eyes'. A dash between 'self absorbed', as well.
You reference to daisies as in plural, but then contradict that statement when you say only one in the next line. If it were me, I would take out the last two lines because I see no correlation with the two beginning lines.
Comma after 'mud' and 'daisies'. Period after 'lies'. Also, 'clingeiness' is 'clinginess'.
I love this stanza and have no complaints on anything.
Again with my prior corrections.
Structure-
This seemed to lack structure not in your appearance, but in the words themselves. It seemed like a lot of thoughts were buzzing around and you seemed to jot them down without a thought of whether it would make sense together or not. Look it over yourself and take out things, add things, do whatever you have to do to make it hit home where you want it to. Every poem has a story, something to tell, show, express. It's your one and only job that your reader finishes your poem with what you were aiming for.
Overall-
I really liked this poem and will be looking forward to reading more of your work.
If you have a question, need a friend, or want to talk feel free to PM me.
~Selene
Wow, this poem was really good. I love how the narrator's memories are very bittersweet, and how one side of her brain views the man as charming, the other as vile. It makes you curious about her past, and where she is now. In a way, you tell a story indirectly. Very good job.