Young Writers Society

Hi tgirly! Wow this piece really deserves some attention! It's been sitting in the "Green Room" since September 2012, which is unfortunate because I think the real green room started in like October 2012 so if you had just waited a month to post it you would have gotten two reviews. Any-who... I'm here to get this poem out of the "Green Room"!

It's very interesting to have written a poem from the point of view of walls, and I guess this piece is about boundaries and our relationship/interaction with them.

Wording/Grammar:
My favorite stanzas are the last one (simple, clean, meaningful, boom! ) and the second one (you nailed the word of the beginning of each line repetition. Very cool! I guess by "cool" I mean that you make it sound formal and elegant without being dull or un-understandable. I can follow each line with interest because of the content but at the same time I can smile at the way this poem tickles your tongue with it's word choice, repetition, and rhyme.

I do not like that this line has something strange growing out of it... like a wart it just looks out of place

"For the night will come (It's creeping in now)"

. Why would you put the part in parentheses in the same line as the other part?? Please separate this wart in your poem unless your rhyme scheme is too strict to make this happen.

I really love these lines:

But such a delicate covering,/
Such unsolid, breakable bones

Although if you do make changes to this poem, something I'd like to see is the poem addressing more than just physical barriers, but emotional and psychological ones too. I'm pretty sure the physical ones are just sort of a metaphor for all the barriers we face, but more than just a metaphor I think it'd be powerful to give some of our other "barriers of the heart and mind" rather than just our "breakable bones".

Since I really see no spelling errors my only real wording suggestion is to consider changing the words that are contractions to seperate words (it's---> it is etc). This makes the piece more formal.
Other Suggestions:
Line 5

I separate you from harsh environments,

sticks out oddly, it's a bit too long. You could put instead "Separate from harsh conditions" or something like that.
Honestly if you wanted to take this poem to the next level you should make every single line 5-6 syllables! That would be awesome to have a syllable pattern because it helps with the rhythm so much and you're nearly there anyways. (Just something to consider..)

As far as line breaks I think the stanza's could be broken up more artfully for instance

"
With bravery, I stand my ground,
With strength I stop their paths,"

Those two lines should be in the above stanza because they are about the wall being the wall (simplified idea of stanza 1). Stanza 2 is all really a warning to take caution.
These two lines:

"Don't forget my comfort for adventure
My safety for its peace''

should be moved to stanza 2 probably for the same reason above.
Then your 3rd and 4th stanza (and possibly your 5th stanza could be combined) because they all fit into the same theme/idea/message.

Overall Impressions/Content:

The best line is the last line of the poem "Become me." I like it. It's simple but this is where the barrier or wall changes from being a protective and critical observer into something that can threaten and command us. (Although I guess there are weaker commands in stanza too, but this is different somehow.) I would consider putting the commands in quotes or italics even. Maybe put the line in parentheses in italics too, because that would literally give me chills because of the awesomeness.

This poem is bold, clear, and mostly clean. It is easy to see the message you are portraying, I think there is plenty of room for a good edit (in literature just because your piece lacks misspellings does not mean that your piece has reached it's full potential.) I encourage you to take another look on this maybe slightly abandoned piece you have. It is beautiful "Proud and tall" so please do not leave it to "say goodbye to forgotten breezes". (see how I used the words of your poem against you? ) The message of this poem still deserves to be heard albeit with some development.

A great poem by a great poet. Good luck in all you ever pursue or dream or love or write.

alliyah

Sometimes, I really like this style. More often then not, though, I quite dislike it. It makes lines look so fragmented and unstable, while certain structure helps keep a poem together in a way that one mass paragraph cannot. It crunches in the interesting bits and makes the thing, as a whole, hard to stomach. Like a poem that's one long, boring stanza.

Poetry is supposed to be air. Not rock.

Which is probably a big reason why this wasn't one of my favourites by you. I'll go into a couple different bits in just a moment over this one, but I think the structure is going to be my big nit-pick point.

For instance, the random capitalization. Now, I don't think you were simply electing to use bad punctuation and far too much capitalization for no reason whatever. It seems vaguely planned, though a little sloppy, which makes me wonder 'why?'. A question that really isn't answered as the subject of the poem has that stoic and stiff-necked nature that structured poetry tends to induce. When someone goes out of their way to throw structure out the window, there's usually something behind the choice other than to simply 'changing things up'.

In this case, I couldn't figure it out. The use of capitalization after commas and line breaks that should have been periods or semicolons rather than that same comma. It makes the whole thing so choppy and irregular that it was more frustrating to read and get the point out than if the lines flowed into each other. The most effective way of using prose-poetry is throwing this need for segmented lines out the window. Writing in full, beautiful sentences is half the fun.

So, in all honesty, this really irked me quite a bit. After all, I want to be swept away by the topic. The theme. The sheer poetry of it all, and I couldn't do that with this. Not when every, Line was, Breaking itself up, Like this.

Now, theme.

Environmental poetry is extremely overdone, I find, but also generally the base point for a lot of change in structure. Looking to write your first sestina? Write it about the night sky. Wanting to try out that italian sonnet you were scared to do before? Let's write about the willow tree in our backyard. It's a default, and a boring one, weather and pathetic fallacy being the most choice for such beginning steps.

What I'm curious about is the narration mostly, as you're taking it in all different directions. First, you have this narrator pull something - or someone - in. Being a protection from the world. Self-sacrifice is always interesting, but also cliche when paired with weather imagery. After all, how many stories and or poems have bourn the concept of bearing the storm? With this in mind, you change paths quite quickly, showing that you can't hold this person within you. You can't protect them cause they will leave you for the light of day which will only prove to hurt them. It's very maternal, which I don't quite know if that was what you were trying to accomplish. Nonetheless, maternal instincts are also rather interesting.

My biggest problem was when you took self-sacrifice and turned it on its head.

Don't forget my comfort for adventure My safety for its peace

This is the most selfish clause in this whole poem. It takes the honest, unpretentious voice of a pleading, maternal voice and curdles it, turning it into a frustrated, angsty voice of someone who will not let someone else leave for their own comfort. Their own personal gain. It's irksome and annoying, taking away the continuity and replacing it with matching jaggedness in not only structure, but theme. And it shows a lack of conviction.

I want to be convinced, dear. I really do. Poetry is supposed to be convincing, whether you're convincing someone of pain, happiness, indecision. You don't write poetry because you want to sound more poetic than you would if you wrote prose, because prose can also be poetic. But you need to know what you're writing before you start flying off the handle in every which direction just because you think it will be effective.

There is a lot of interesting bits in this piece, but out of all the poems you've written, it lacks. This doesn't reflect badly on you as a poet, of course. After all, it shows you're courageous, and will change for the better of changing yourself. Thats admirable, and a good sign that one day you'll make a fantastic poet. Just keep practicing and take anything I say with a grain of salt. After all, I am not you, and whatever reasons you had for writing this are no better nor worse than my own. So keep trying, and keep growing, and if you want to continue this style, read more. I would suggest some of Lumi's work, such as 8 on 8 on 12. It's powerful stuff, and if you can harness it, there is nothing you can't do.

Keep writing. I'll keep reading,
~Walker