Young Writers Society

I never cease to be surprised by how amazing everything you write is, I must say though- this is especially good. I really love it (if saying that to this doesn't make someone weird) and that the images (sick and twisted as they were) were startlingly crisp and clear and somehow just perfect. The fact that this was posted in Poetry especially made me smile, because poetry shouldn't just be rhyming, short lines of imagery. You prove that well!

Although, the lack of capitalization and the odd(ish) punctuation mildly threw me off. Just saying.

This was great!
Renn

This is beautiful, Lumi. Simply beautiful. Well done.

-Fire

Wonderful, wonderful language. I want to hug every one of your metaphors. I like the lyric quality. Some things sound a little awkward:

*"he’s a physical element, black and sticky that drips from your fingers after just a brush." It would sound better without the "after just a brush". The point still gets across, and it doesn't distract from the awesomeness of the rest of the sentence.

*You change tenses a little: present to speak about the devil in general and past for the MC's story, like that was in the past but the qualities of the devil stay the same. It's cool, and I like it, but it can get a little confusing and distract from the rest of the story.

*"it's your mother
they say
there's been an accident" seems a bit out of place. I like it, but I think there needs to be a little more elaboration on the death of the MC's mother and the role Death has in it.

*I just love the idea of the devil blasting his music and speeding down the freeway

*"you still hear her cry at night, but you’re not really sure where her cries stop and your own begin. at night, you write about what you know. every night it’s the same:" You use "night" too often in these three sentence. It would sound cleaner like "you still hear her cry sometimes, but you're not really sure where her cries stop and your own begin. at night, you write what you know. it's always the same:"

Beautiful writing and a beautiful story. I love the thin line between fear and happiness.

Love,
Rory

I read this a few days ago and thought it was brilliant.
I read it just now and understood it a bit more.
This is a really interesting piece; gripping and confusing, which makes it even more interesting.
I love how it gets darker, and darker.
I don't really have a lot to add, or anything to suggest. I just think it's very good.
I especially love the first line. And the end bit with the landlord.
Very good. If I had written it, I would make an exception and capitalise 'God'.
You're an excellent writer.

that's a pretty original take.
I always said that notions like pain, happiness etc are subjective, and if you ask 982 people, you'll get 982 different definitions, and you managed to capture this idea, in just three paragraphs. kudos!

"you didn’t believe in the devil until you scraped your knee against the concrete" - that's just brilliant, and only one of the several lines that really caught my attention. incredibly quotable.

all in all, this is a great effort. A+ for the vocabulary you picked, A++ for originality.

Wow! Go, Lumi!

That is all.

I liked this piece of writing very much. But, I did see a few common errors.

As I read through your writing, I noticed that you did not capitalize anything
any of your sentence beginnings. You did not capitalize any proper nouns
either. As a final, published piece, you should always look over your writing
multiple times before submitting. It can lead to better writing.

I also noticed a very common mistake, long sentences and little comma's.
I learned a technique I would like to share with you, and I hope it will help
in your future writing.

I will use this sentence as my example. Take a sentence, and count how
many words are in it. For my example, I have 8 words. Now, you need to
subtract it from 100. So, 100 minus 8 equals 92. Now take your number
(92) and make it a percent. You now know how many of your readers
understand that sentence perfectly, and can read it without question. So,
92% of my readers understood that first sentence very well.

I liked how you used simile's. I like that, it adds a lot of effect to your writing.

I hope I helped for when you write in the future.

Lumi! This is brilliant!

Love the dark mood and the way it flows and ooh... lovely! I don't really have anything helpful to add just wanted to tell you this was a piece of greatness!

// Da Demon

I really enjoyed reading this. The rhythm is brilliant and I think the lack of capitalization adds to the flow. Everything is short and stream lined, instead of jaunty and mountainous like normal capitalization rules. I'd say I liked a particular paragraph, but darn it, I liked them all!

I like the "the devil is his shadow" part you added at the end. It was interesting to say the least. Really dark, yet honest. It has a good pace, but a little sticky at some points, like "the tones like a hollow bone cracked against the blade of a chopper in route to burbank
its your mother, they say
there's been an accident"?

Touching and thought provoking, I find this work quite intriguing. The only issue I had, was the punctuation did not match the flow of words. Other than that I could read this over and over and not get tired of this.

Hey Lumi! Scarling here to review you poem~

First off, I haven't seen any mistakes, spelling or otherwise. Which is good. Anyway, on to the good part. XD

I really like this. Actually, more than like. I love it. I like how it just flows. So well, and the theme is pretty cool, too. I feel like it's somewhat dreamy, yet so very real, you know? I like the way it reeks of truth, of humanity and sorrow, and just a touch of despair. But it's still so very human, real. I like how you've done that. As a reader, I feel the emotion here, right done to my bones. It seriously gives me chills when I read it. And chills are good; means you're doing something right!

Although, there isn't really much rhyme to this, is there? But that doesn't matter, does it? It's not the structure of the poem that's really important. It's what is in the poem; the words, and the meaning behind them. And the meaning here is interesting. Just my interpretation here, but I feel like the meaning is about fighting an inner battle of some kind? I may be completely wrong, though...

Anyway. I especially liked these lines;

at night, you write about what you know. every night it’s the same:
god must be a man if he touches us
the devil is his shadow,
touching us when we see the face of god.

Whoa....I love this. It's bitter and almost heart-wrenching, really. You have a lot of brilliant lines, such as "you took out your cell phone and started bleeping out contacts, cutting digital threads like the fates cut hair." It's so hard to make modern technology poetic sometimes, isn't it? But you've done it so, so well. Gahh, this is a lame review. No critiques, no help, just gushing over your awesome writing. But that's because it deserves it.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver