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The Monster in the Corner

by Forestqueen808


It waits there in the corner;
The flaming fluorescent eyes flashing
As you enter the room.

Then it’s there behind you,
Hovering, whispering, caressing,
Breathing a deep summer wind down your spine.

The eyes are now a muddy green,
Swirling and shimmering
Like the river in May.

Rain falls onto your skin,
The source becoming a mystery
As you wipe the drops from your hand.

But they won’t stop.
They cascade, creating black waterfalls
Across a once smiling canvas.

Hands grab at your thin wrists,
Pulling you to your knees
As the room begins to darken.

It waits in the corner
As you enter the room,
Just like the day before.


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Sun Jun 30, 2013 10:56 pm
KittyCatMeow wrote a review...



It's interesting. The first stanza was a good introduction because we all know that it's apparently a "monster" as the title states.

It waits in the corner
As you enter the room,
Just like the day before.


I don't understand "just like the day before". This should use a little more explanation. It could have been used for reasons here and there, and I might've not read the poem correctly, but I try!

This is pretty good. I love how everything flows smoothly. The details you put into this are amazing as well. Keep on writing with these good writing instincts!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 10:46 pm
Juniper wrote a review...



Hey there, Forest! Good to see you still around. June here,

I think you have some good ideas hiding in this poem, but I get the feeling that you're forcing yourself to be adventurously descriptive and detailed. Additionally, the sentences within the stanzas read like fragments; there's little connectivity from one idea to the next. Because of that, the meaning of what you're trying to tell us here is hidden and leaves me feeling rather unaffected by your poem.

Keep writing and happy review day!

June




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:38 pm
Audy wrote a review...



Hey There Forestqueen,

it's nice to meet you ^^ If you don't mind I'm just going to dive right into this. First observation: I really like what you're trying to do in that second line there with the alliterative flaming fluorescent flashing. It sounds really cool of course, but it also lends this flighty, eerie sort of imagery to this monster here.

This line by the way:

Breathing a deep summer wind down your spine.


Stuck out to me in a pleasant way. The wind / spine sounds lovely, but I just love the description here. Probably my only complaint by this point are some of the lines such as: hovering, whispering, caressing / swirling and shimmering, etc. These lines are built solely upon the use of gerunds, and while gerunds are great to vary up sentence structure, but also express movements -- they're a bit harder to get into, especially all crammed up into a line like that -- because far from verbs, they're nouns, like you're saying: the monster is in a state of shimmering -- and rather than such a passive construction as that, I'd rather just see the active form: shimmer, so that it can put me into the scene, into that place and time at that particular moment. It would have more tension/suspense that way, I think.

Other than that though, I have no other complaints. I think this is cute but it also has this eerie, sort of stalker-ish vibe while also creating a lot of vivid imagery, black waterfalls, etc. which I think is what you're going for as well. Nice concept and well done with the execution.

Thanks for sharing!

~ as always, Audy




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Thu Jun 06, 2013 12:14 pm
thestraycat wrote a review...



8/10

Ho there! From the start your piece is very alluring, catchy actually. It strikes an angle that allows the readers like me to imagine what it is like to be in the situation. But it seems that I got hanged up in the end. It's like something's missing. I prefer you add something more terrifying or heart stopping momentum after the stanza " As the room begins to darken." . But all in all it's great :)




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Thu Jun 06, 2013 3:22 am
SalmanK says...



Just here for a quick comment!
Nice work!




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Thu Jun 06, 2013 2:43 am
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Heya Forest, Black 'ere for a quick Review! (From the looks of your profile I should give you a big "WELCOME BACK TO YWS" as well :)).

Okay, first off! Nice work here, I muchly appreciated it. You've got some pretty amazing grammar, charming spelling, perfect style, and good everything else. If you have a problem I think it's in your way of writing second person (What you're using here). Your theme, if you have one - Which I think you do - is rather beyond me (Though you might note that I am no poetry whiz and prefer to keep to novels (My strong point)).

So, as I said, this is going to be a quick review and I'm only going to be going into that one problem. Your Way of Writing Second Person Problem is a rather large problem: Let me show you the couple places were you go wrong. Remember here: Take what I have for you or leave it!

The eyes are now a muddy green,
Swirling and shimmering
Like the river in May.


You're changing person here. This 'the' in the third line is wrong. You're writing along rather abstractly, and then you jump into something specific. I'd advise you to use 'a' instead. Also, this throws the possibility of a theme in here out the window. ;)

Then it’s there behind you,
Hovering, whispering, caressing,
Breathing a deep summer wind down your spine.


Another couple very separate problem or two is that you capitalize your words following comma's. As you probably know that isn't technically correct for grammar. For poetry it can pass. But I advise you not to do this. Also, the comparison you use in the third line is a little bit . . . odd.

Anyway. This review sucked! Good luck here! Nice work, (Love the row of works down the side here - only seen one other to compare ;)) KEEP WRITING - Do this and your improvement will be guaranteed!

P.s. If you ever bother to post a novel chapter or article then I'll show you a real review ;)


~Black~




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Thu Jun 06, 2013 1:20 am
Wonder says...



WOAH. This gave me the shivers! :P Nice job!





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