you drew declarations of love on my back
and held my heart in yours.
your lips tasted like the ocean,
salty and filled with tears.
i wanted them against mine
(infesting my mind)
the sea swells and recoils,
the tides part and tremble
causing storms and typhoons
(much like me and you)
flowers decay, crumble and fade
and i've got a secret
(love does too)
and i want you to forgive me,
to kiss my broken promises away.
my heart fills with desire and the erasion of lies
(because i want your hands on my thighs
and your skin against mine)
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Heya Nargles!
I was just about to say my favorite line was the parenthetical "(love does too)," when I saw it was the title. Good choice. ^_^
I thought you started off strong with the first line. Actually, your whole first stanza was pretty good. One thing I wasn't sure about was "(infesting my mind)" because I'm not sure what is infesting your mind, the lips? the longing of wanting them? It just felt like a stuck-on phrase.
I wasn't sure what the second stanza had to do with this love or anything. But I did like the last two lines. I don't know why there was all that nature there though.
So here, in the last stanza we can see this is a poem asking for forgiveness. I couldn't tell in the first two stanzas that that's what this was about, but that's okay.
This poem was okay. It felt a little cliche to me, I don't know. There wasn't much in here that would make me remember this poem tomorrow. I can tell there's emotion here, but I don't feel it. Maybe it's just because it's a love poem.
Other than this slight feeling of the cliche, the poem was practically flawless. I don't have much to say.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
I really like this poem. The writing is amazing and it is so full of emotion. It keeps a hold of your readers attention. It is also very sweet and caring. If this is a personal experience I hope it all worked out for you. The only thing I would change, and you might have done this one purpose but, capitalization. like 'I' and the words at the beginning of each line. But I still love this poem like I said it is so sweet and I am a big sap for a good romance so great job.
Keep up the great writing!
-Roxie Rain
I really did enjoy this, great work. Keep it up, your are doing a good job. Please inform me of new works of yours. Also check some of my work out while you are at it. Good luck and good job.
Good one right here
Hey Nargles,
I took some time reading over this poem both together, and each individual part. The reason being because how I see parenthesis is just a suggestion of another level, not a continuation of the same line aside from the fact that it adds information. So in doing that, I really like the normal lines of your poem. I think they're very strong, and clear. If you just read the poem with them, you don't get all of the details, but it tells me that several of your details are going too far out of the exact and into the telling side of things. It's not always, but I think if we work on taking out some of these parenthesis, we'll get a stronger poem. Most of them are fine.
One example of how you used them that I really loved was when you addressed them directly.
I think this is really strong because of the imagery backs up what you're saying. You don't just let the metaphor hang, like you do in [/quote]you held my heart in yours[/quote] but you allow us to work with the metaphor and examine it from a standpoint of how it relates to what is being said.
I think you should do this more. Instead of just working with one line, which can be hard to advance a metaphor with, work with several on each metaphor. Work with a stanza a metaphor and see if you can develop it to a point where we get something like you have with "love does too"
Overall, I like your choice to go without punctuation or capitalization. You may want to try adding punctuation back in because it is a little hard to see where things end with your style of syntax, and most of these lines are ending at the end of lines, which means the reader will pause instead of reading through the line. This can be dangerous because they might just leave if they pause too much.
Try getting rid of a few of the lines like "as all humans do" "much like me and you" and "infesting my mind" because they are rather blunt statements which aren't very specific to this case.
"Love does too" is specific to this case because it's basically how the person told their significant other that things were done between them. If it wasn't for that, I would say to get rid of it as well.
Also see if you want to work with the ending. I think it could be stronger if you worked less with phrases like "of lies" and typical phrases like "my heart fills with desire."
Overall, I really like where you started with the lines out of the parenthesis, and I think you could make this poem much stronger if you worked more with enjambment and collective ideas rather than a quick scatter shot of lots of ideas.
If you have any questions, you know where I am <3
-Aley
Yo, gurl!
Okay, so I liked this poem. It was dark, just what I like. I got this one suggestion to make. Why can't you use italics, instead of using brackets? Urm. >.> Other than that, I "liked" it.
Wassup?
keep it up! Keep writing!
Cheers!