I never thought that the thought of someone would make my mind stop spinning
and take my words and twist them until they became
knotted ropes of black lines, but the thought of you did...
It happened slowly at first, but then with a
sudden urgency that it took my breath away until I was left with a smile
that stretched cheek to cheek and a lightness that warned the softness of my heart
until I felt like melting into you.
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140,134 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey jasper,
I like the short thought that you express here, and I actually think it's pretty relateable in the way you describe this feeling.
A few suggestions would be to establish a little more about the relationship between the speaker and the narrator and also to maybe expand on what caused this change in their emotion towards them.
As a flash poem that's just intended to capture one scene, I didn't mind the long lines, although I don't think the ellipses in line three added - and I think would be improved with a dash or a comma.
Best of luck in future writing!
~alliyah
Hey, myjaspercat! Ink here to kick your poem outta the Green Room, so let's get to it!
I don't quite understand why you would use another sort of spinning metaphor after you say that the subject stopped the narrator's mind from spinning. The fact that the words are twisted is kind of at odds with the first statement, and not in a good way. I also think that instead of using ellipses, you should start a new stanza. It will separate the content better.
I think that I know why destinybeal said that the ending was abrupt. The entire last half of the poem (the part after the ellipses) is a sentence without an ending.
The part before the very first comma can be a sentence on its own, but then you add to it, creating a compound sentence. The problem is that you don't have a full sentence after the 'but.' You just keep adding onto it with dependent clauses, but you don't finish it with an independent clause. That's what makes it feel like the poem suddenly ends. You never finish your thought, and the reader is left confused.
I like a lot of the imagery you have here, but I think you should expand this poem. You start things that should be expanded upon, but because it's flash poetry, you don't. Everything about this just feels a bit incomplete.
Overall, you have a lot of great snippets, but you don't have a full poem yet. Expand this and make it more complex!
If you have any questions, feel free to ask me, and I'll answer them as best I can.
~Ink
I enjoy the repetition of the word "thought" in the first line, though "that the" feels a little jumbled to say out loud. I would consider removing "that" just to make it easier to work through. Also, I enjoy the overall pacing of this poem. I find that the beginning has sort of a rushed/frantic tone, and it really works. The poem slows down at the end of the third line, which also works really well. I like the language in this poem a lot; it's very natural and feels intimate.
I particularly like the phrases "knotted ropes of black lines" and "with a sudden urgency that it took my breath away." The language here feels fresh and unexpected; it sounds nice and seems well thought out. Also, the last line is a little cliche but not bad; I think the poem ends a little abruptly, so you may want to consider lengthening it just a little bit or tapering off to an end. This may also just be a stylistic thing, as some may like the sudden ending.
Overall, very nice poem and good use of creative language!