Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
A/N: I don't like the title that much but it is the first thing I came up with. If you have any suggestions please leave them.
The numbing winds swirled around Caroline’s feet as she walked down the quiet street, abandoned houses towering ominously above. Somewhere in the distance she could hear the snarling of an affected dog, causing her to quicken her pace afraid of being caught outside at night. It was normal for them to use the sick as guards since most were afraid. But tonight she risked punishment; it had been to long for her to be cramped up in the small New Mexico apartment. The lack of freedom is what nagged at her each time she pushed away the heavy curtains that blocked the sunlight from streaming through the few cracks of the boarded up windows. Her lips curved into a small smile as her hand brushed the black shoulder bag that continued to bump against her hip. The whole reason she stepped outside wasn’t only for the cheap Wal-Mart bag but for what it hid inside. It was her last hope to stop the spreading disease that had plagued humanity a little more then three years back. And it was her belief that it could reverse the damage that had been done to those who were like the dogs they used.
The sound of a glass shattering caused Caroline to pause in mid-stride, her left hand reaching behind her to grip the hilt of the small dagger she kept in the small of her back. Looking behind her she noticed the beam of a flashlight heading in her direction. ‘Shit’ she mumbled to herself; releasing her grip on the dagger. She pushed both her and the bag into the small space between an old dumpster and the cracked foundation of a bordered up shop; crawling as far back as possible. If she got caught now then everything would be a waist.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Silver Here!
Very Nice! I could almost feel where she was out of the description. The mistakes I caught were:
"Waist"
It was - Waste.
"Affected Dog"
It was - Infected
But You know, we all make those dumb mistakes!
I usually would have thought there would be a few more paragraphs, but this kind of sums up what happens~ Hope to read more~
thank you, and sometimes I don't realize I made a mistake so that's why I post it. I am glad you liked it, plus I thought that a long prologue would just have taken away from the piece. Again thank you
A strong point of this piece was your language and description, which is especially shown in the first paragraph, it really draws the reader in an creates some beautiful imagery.
Although there were some really beautiful descriptions throughout the piece, after the first paragraph I felt there was enough, and then to read more made it a bit samey to read. I wouldn't say get rid of all of the descriptions because you've done a really good job of them, but I'd say just add some variation in it because right now it's quite description-heavy. Plot wise, what's actually going on? I understand the the MC has lost their love, while these abstract descriptions of it are quite pretty, I think you need some more explanations for it because right now the plot falls a bit flat. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, to have a more metaphorical piece, but it just seems a bit pointless to do so without more of an explanation for plot.
thank you, and I hope that the plot stands out more later on. If not then, I will try to make it more clear in my next revision. again, thank you for your review.
Nice prologue! It's got a very nice sense of suspense to it. Normally, there would be a few more paragraphs, just to break up any walls of text. I wonder what's in said cheap walmart bag too. So it's a good thing that you have readers wondering. When they wonder, they want more, and you get yourself a new reader.
But now to look at the description. You use many varieties of words in here, which is really good.
But a good question is, why dystopia? I mean, sure it's got a good market out there, and if you want to just write it for writing, that's fine too. But there are so many of them out right now and more being churned out, so it's going to be mighty hard to write with all the influence out there. At least write well. But, to each his own.
There's a couple grammatical errors that PresidentTurtle already pointed out so I don't think I need to reiterate on them. But I think that's it. You have good description, and good idea about the worldbuilding in this. I wish you luck if you hope to publish.
Hello, myjaspercat! Let's talk about your prologue, shall we?
Let's start with what you can fix:
"Somewhere in the distance she could hear the snarling of an affected dog"-I'm thinking that should be infected, not affected. Infected would mean it has a disease/sickness, and I think that's what you were going for.
"It was her last hope to stop the spreading disease that had plagued humanity a little more then three years back. And it was her belief that it could reverse the damage that had been done to those who were like the dogs they used."-How about using a coma instead of a period? There is no need to cut off the sentence just yet, and I think it would sound more "proper" if you put a comma after back instead of a period.
"If she got caught now then everything would be a waist."-I feel like you could do a lot of fixing up to this sentence. Again, maybe the use of a coma. The one thing that absolutely needs fixing is 'waist', because 'waist' would be as in the area around your hips. Instead, you should use 'waste.'
As you did mention, the title does sound rather cliche. If you can't think of anything, I'll try to help you with that.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh. This story seems to be good so far, but a little unoriginal. The 'disease' and 'stepping out' is becoming a popular genre, so I hope you can somehow write something that's a little bit different than what's already out there. That being said, I didn't hate the story or anything. It actually seemed really good and I'd love to read more.
~Prez. T