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Ending

by myjaspercat


{so I was wondering if I should leave this as a stand alone piece or if I should write a novel to go with it.}

Death came from the left, in the form of a silent whisper. He didn’t see the truck slide across the icy bridge. He didn’t know she never had her seat belt on, or that the last thing she imagined was the smile of a forgotten face race through her mind. The last thing he saw was the flash of iridescent yellow; he heard the screech of tires upon pavement as one-by-one they locked. As he felt every bone in his body shatter he used his last glimpse of reality, and looked at her, drew in every one of her features, and admired her beauty for the last time. Then with his last breath, he whispered “Thank you.”


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Sun Nov 30, 2014 10:22 pm
kingofeli says...



Ah, I accidentally re-submitted. Ignore this!




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60 Reviews


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Sun Nov 30, 2014 10:22 pm
kingofeli wrote a review...



Well, Ricky here from the Black Knights, and I'm here to review your work!

And boy, was this a powerful little piece! I almost wish that you had written more for it, but honestly, I think that it's good as it is. This is strong and powerful on its own, and I think that the impact might be lost if it became part of a larger piece. I do wish that you'd split it up so that it wasn't one long paragraph. The opening part is great, with the description of death and how it came.

There aren't too many errors I say here, except for comma usage. There are some places where commas should be and there aren't. Commas should almost always be used after opening words such as "then." They should also be used after opening phrases, like in your second-to-last sentence, which should read like this;

As he felt every bone in his body shatter, he used his last glimpse of reality, looked at her, drew in every one of her features, and admired her beauty for the last time.


The last sentence should then read like this;

Then, with his last breath, he whispered, “Thank you.”


Other than that, this was perfect! I really enjoyed reading it and came back to re-read it quite a few times. I'll give this a 9/10. Keep on writing!




myjaspercat says...


thank you, I am very glad that you liked I it. My English teacher actually persuaded me to post this so it's good to know that people enjoy it.



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Wed Nov 19, 2014 1:00 am
CesareBorgia wrote a review...



Hey, this is CesareBorgia here for a review


This review may be short seeing as how this is a short piece.


First thing I wanted to say was that I loved how you expressed Death as an entity, more than a person.

I dot think that she should make this novel however. Though I have to note several things that makes this an exquisite stand alone piece.

Then with his last breath, he whispered “Thank you.”


I think that you should leave this at the end, let the reader think about what happens next. That would also be nice. I also noticed that you marked this as teen ficiton. Seeing as how there isn't much to go by I don't think that this should be marked as teen fiction.

The last thing he saw was the flash of iridescent yellow; he heard the screech of tires upon pavement as one-by-one they locked.


I like this line mainly because of the description, which tells me that this would be a good novel.

Best of luck in writing,
CesareBorgia




myjaspercat says...


thank you, and I definitely think that I will make this into a novel. In fact this came to me while my family and I were driving home from Texas, I just got the idea so I started typing.



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Wed Nov 19, 2014 12:27 am
almurs13 wrote a review...



I think it should definitely be a novel! It very interesting and I could tell I would have a great plot.
You grabbed my attention with the first sentence, it's very strong. I for sure want to keep on reading!
However, I was a little confused at first because I thought "he" was death. Maybe you could make it clearer or maybe I'm the only one confused (I hope so :)).
Also, there's a tiny grammar mistake:
"...of a forgotten face RACE through her mind." when it should be "of a forgotten face RACING through her mind."
It's really great. If you make it into a novel, I will read it for sure :)




almurs13 says...


I just noticed jazzydracula had already pointed out the mistake. So sorry for being redundant.



myjaspercat says...


thank you and no worries, sometimes I miss things while reading a reply so seeing it again helps.



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Tue Nov 18, 2014 11:50 pm
Dracula wrote a review...



Hello! I'll just quickly read through this and then give you my suggestion. :)

or that the last thing she imagined was the smile of a forgotten face race through her mind.

I think it sounds fine either way but I would write racing instead of race.

Gods this is sad! I love it as a stand alone piece, but if you have the time you could certainly write a few chapters on it. You could mention what happened before they were in the car and then you could give us an image of your main charcter in the after life, looking down at his funeral. Great piece!




myjaspercat says...


thank you




It's been many years since I had such an exemplary vegetable.
— Mr Collins, Pride and Prejudice