The Hunted
Chapter 1:
I remember the night my life changed like it was only yesterday; the night when my new world came crashing down and my old one came flooding back. I tried so hard to blend in for so long, yet that wasn’t even enough to live in peace. Like always everything beautiful must someday end in misery. Just how love, will forever end in heartbreak? For me it was how peace ended in destruction and war; war over a broken soul, heart and mind. As I am compelled to tell you my story, I am manacled to tell it from the beginning. To go back in time to the day that I was forced to kill one of my best friends.
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Her name was Cheryl, she had brunette hair and really pretty hazel eyes. Cheryl was sweet and funny; oh how I remember all the time we used to laugh together. Cheryl was my first friend I ever found when I had decided to start my life over; she was like a sister sent down from the heavens; which made her death so much harder. If I could I would claim it an accident, an unwanted calamity, but I can’t. It was a planned killing, an already thought to take one’s life. That made me a murder, an assassin, a manslayer, everything I was trying to forget, to leave behind. I lay awake most nights now, thinking about what went wrong, and what I could have done to stop what happened. So many times I wish life could be reversed, that time could be turned around. I would take everything back, to give an eye for an eye. It’s too late however, to reverse anything, to take anything back. I now must deal with consequences that a path of destruction that has left behind.
The day Cheryl died was just like any other; it was a Sunday so there was no school. Cheryl and I decided to meet up at the local bowling alley and have a little friendly competition. Afterwards we both ended up at her house, giggling like little girls over something so small. We probably stayed on her couch talking for what seemed an eternity. It was around eight when I found my chance to finish off what I was meant to do. I hated it, so very much, having to sit here like everything was ok, like it was just another Sunday evening; when I knew what dusk really held.
Cheryl ad left the room, saying she would be right back. In this instant of silence I scanned the living room for something, anything to use. It was sick, yes; but quite necessary. Before I even had a chance to move, I heard Cheryl walking down the hall; back towards me. In a moment of panic, I snatched the first object I could find, standing against the wall between bookshelf and television. I lowered my breathing and stood there for an agonizing five seconds. I saw Cheryl before she saw me, with vase (no pun intended) in hand I wacked her head. She fell to the floor in a large hump, letting out a small squeak.
“I am so sorry Cheryl that this happened.” I whispered in her ear as I lifted her body over my shoulder like a sack of flour.
From there I brought her out to my car, placing her barley breathing body in the trunk of my worn out Honda. Closing lid and watching her face disappear from sight gave me that faint chill of pleasure. It was pleasure of the hunt, the passion I had been denying myself for such a long time. I, was the hunter and Cheryl, well, she was my prey. As I drove down the old dirt road that leads towards Grandma’s summer cabin, I breathed in the beautiful spring air. The cherry trees that my adopted grandparents had planted on my first year were already in bloom. Around the back, the landscape turned from a freshly cut lawn to the deep undergrowth of the mountains, perfect place to hide… a body.
“Ready to go hiking, Cheryl?” I asked sarcastically in a huff as I lifted the 1o5 pound brunette back over my shoulder.
Wouldn’t be long till she woke up, I had to hurry. Climbing around the car I tracked into the bramble of a bush, not bothering to walk on trial. It would be harder to track footprints this way; I could handle a few scraps here and there. It was dark outside anyhow, making it harder for anyone to follow, let alone notice faint footsteps. As I trekked through the mountain side, a dropof cold rain fell down my check, whipping away the salty tears that stained my face; I hadn’t realized I was crying.
Rushing I looked around, we were far enough that Cheryl’s body wouldn’t be found for at least a week. The rain would wash away my steps. Laying her body besides an old oak tree I started using my hands to dig a shallow grave. There was no time for proper burial. I gripped the pant leg of Cheryl’s trousers and pulled her into the small hole, gently tossing a light clump of dirt over her stone cold face. Tears started welling up in the corners of my eyes; I wiped them away with the swift flick of a finger.
I stood up slowly, and started to make my way throw the mountains. For any ordinary person it would be too dark to see; but for me, it was clear as day. If you were to see me walk down the street you would think that I was any ordinary person but in reality, I am not what you think. I am not human.
I have pale-ivory skin that only looks whiter in fain t contrast to my long black hair. My eyes are a shade of golden-brown, almost yellow, and turn a faint yellow-silver when I get mad. In truth, I am what most would call a vampire, yet I do not need blood to survive and I can walk in the sun. My smell is ten times as strong then any human and my speed is remarkable. However, I am only half of my kind and the other half is really human. Because of that I am a threat, the other half of my people want to hunt me down. They are me people, I am the princess, but they don’t see that; all they see is a monster. That is why I am being hunted.
I continued to walk down the trail I created and by the time I made my way back towards my car it was already midnight, the moon high in the sky. The beginning of the battle was over and the worst was yet to come. My past is finally coming back to haunt me.
End of chapter
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140,682 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Good start, JCat
A similar challenge is the name of your character. Make sure someone addresses him/her by name from the first chapter. In fact, you can kill 2 birds with one stone if the name is very aligned with their gender. (eg. Bill or Juliet - we know these people's sex instantly)
The first tip I would give you is try and make your character's gender more obvious. I was reading through assuming "I" was a girl, but then someone commented referring to your main character as "he". I got confused, and going back to read through for clues didn't help me come to any solid conclusion. This is the challenge in first person, but there are ways to establish from the beginning what sex your character is. Be creative
Otherwise, read through it carefully, you've got a lot of awkward phrasing, words that would flow better if you switched them around, and incorrect usage of words, eg "trial" should be "trail"
Also, I know your vampire isn't "traditional", but there was no biting scene at all... it just seemed like a pointless murder, without even being justified by the need to feed. Was this intentional? If so, please make the motivation for the kill clearer. Also justify why it had to be the best friend, why not just a random stranger?
Hope this helped! On to Part 2...
ok, thank you for comment. I do know that people thought the main character was a guy but your right its a she. Secound of all she is half-vampire and it goes into more depth later.
Cynder for a review. It was pleasure to read it. Part of me sickened with the character, and wanted to wallow with him. There are some grammar errors though, so I would double check it and just modify a few things. You might, also describe his people a little more, the vampires i mean. I would maybe include a little more of how the night went before he went to Cheryl's house.. or just, the events that happened before. Vampires are usually associated with the words "Murderous" and "seductive." Though, you covered the murderous part. You might also include a little of the character's habits and if he craves certain things, such as blood. You said he does not need blood, but he might desire it. Another word, "desire," I would also incorporate that feeling. All in all, I find your work not lacking, and impressive. Put emotion of another depth, and your work will enlighten your readers with your perception. Or, rather, your character's perception.
Fallen here to review you so first off just minor spelling errors nothing you can't change with a once over. Now on to the praise shall we? ( apologize for tpos if I do any.) First off when you write " That made me a murder, an assassin, a manslayer, everything I was trying to forget, to leave behind." A suggestion to add effect and make this drawn out sentence meaningful like you want instead of commas end the sentence with a period so it would add effect such as " That made me a murder. An assassin. A manslayer. Everything I was trying to forget, to leave behind." this will add it and aid the reader in being along the ride and the thinking of your character. Beside that I enjoyed the friendly banter between the friend it gave a comical relief to the sadness of Cheryl death. I enjoyed also how you didn't make your main character this inhuman being inable to feel remorse or emotions and immune to everything. you gave him feelings and weakness that aided in the enjoyment of this wonderful movie. Overall, this story was well done and I can't wait for the next chapter I hoped this helped you and I hope you continue. Tschau!
~Fallen
Heyo myjaspercat, happy review day! Subtle here for a review. Going to start otf by pointing a few technical things.
'Like always everything beautiful,' you need a comma after always.
'I have pale ivory skin in faint contrast' the faint on there has even separated.
'and started to make my way throw the mountains' I don't think throw is right, you mean through?
That's all I am going to say because I'm not really the type if reviewer who combs through the chapter for every little spelli or grammar mistake not to mention I suck at grammar myself. I'm going to summarize what I want to say in terms of your language and writing style in dot points,
Point one) Please balance out the show and tell. You have probably heard of show don't tell, but heard of show and tell? You have find a fine balance between showing your readers and telli me, because not all can be shown and not all can be told. You do have some nice descriptions in here, but you tend to lean more to the 'tell' side. I will give you an example.
-In your second paragraph. You told us what Cheryl was like and how she looked, I think you can probably incorporate that into something else. Because when you told us that Cheryl has is and that, and Cheryl is really this and that. It sounds like you're reading a fact file and not describing a person. You could add a few descriptions, very subtle like is perhaps? 'Cheryl's hazel eyes would glimmer with sparks of laughter whenever we talked?' It squashed two sentence into one and also characterized Cheryl's eyes.
And then, there is the style in which you have written your piece. Is a very essay like style, you tend to tell us the information and describe the what is happening but don't really go deep into the characters. You told us what our narrator thought but didn't show us the consequence of this thought or the making of that thought. Your scenes can be a bit chunky and stiff too. Like the part where Cheryl was hit and then dragged to the forest, that felt like it was rushed with both characters and action. It probably was, but you could have written a lot more characterization there. Describe on how our MC felt, the trek up including mor conversation and explore their tone of voice. Dialogue is one of the best ways to express how a character feels.
Point two) Avoid opening sentences with pronouns consistently.
-I noticed that in your chapter, you tend to open your sentences with either I or Cheryl and just repeat them several times. The problem with using pronouns is that over a period of time it just seems like a series of statements instead of a story. So, try and vary your sentence openings.
Point three) Really try and see past the surface.
As the author, you would know your characters and plot much better than the readers. So, try and write pass the surface of a character and expose them to us so we can connect to them. I only get a be glossed over version of the characters right now. I know who they are, and that's about it. All I know is a murders had occurred and that our MC is a vampire. In order to make the readers empathize or connect with the character's. You need to make them palpable to us, whether if it is thrugh their actions or their thoughts. I felt like that is chapter was just the introduction, like a long plot synopsis into the chapter.
I mean, you have an interesting idea here, and that wasn't a placeholder. I do mean it, I was quite shock when I found out that our narrator was the murderer and instantly suspected if she had some kind if mental disease or something that propelled her to do this, either way is quite intriguing plot. So, I hope I was helpful in some way and keep on writing!
-E.s
Thank you so much, you were very helpful. I have been working on this piece of work for like two years now, and I am still not content with it. There seems to be many drafts of it and every time I read through I think that it is amateur like. Someday I know it will be better
Two years, wow! That's very admirable, i would be happy to read any future drafts. xD. Glad I helped.
thank you again. I may have to find a few of the other drafts for you and find a way to get them to you but I promise if that's what you want to do then I'll have it done. (Sorry for all the you)
"Sorry everyone, for some reason the paragraphs got separated."
never mind got it fixed