A/N: This is one of my really old pieces but I started to think about it again and I have new ideas, so I would really like feedback. I cant remember if I posted this on another account a while back so I am posting it now. All reviews and feed back welcome, I know it isn't the best. (in fact the date in the 'diary entry' is the exact date I started writing. Like I said, I wrote this a long time ago.)
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October 12, 2009
Dear Diary,
People ask if your ok, but they really don't want an answer. They just expect you to nod your head and smile. That's exactly what I do. Three weeks have passed since the death of my brother Dominic. People walk to me in the halls of Silversmith High and ask how I feel, they ask if there's anything they could do. There's not, I'm dead inside, wishing only for them to leave me alone. They don't though, they wish me luck and give me pats on the back, trying to cheer me up. When people ask how was your day they expect an answer. The wait for you to say "OK" or "it was fine" but that's a bit of bullshit. Life never is "OK" or "it was fine" life is messed up, it takes away the things that are most important. Life screws you until the point of breakdown. That's how my life is. I wonder if things will ever go back to normal, if my life will stop changing. I put my Diary down setting the pen on top. I then walk to my west wall opening my floor to ceiling glass doors and step out onto my second story balcony. The wind blew through the leaves of our backyard tree sending the rush of a cool breeze my way. The sunset spread out purple and pink throughout the night sky. Resting my arms on the edge of the railing I sigh and look down on the gardens below. Beyond the trees I can hear the gurgling of the stream, the place were Dominic died.
Three weeks ago seemed only like yesterday. I can still hear the laugh of my brother down the hall in his bedroom with his friends. I remember walking into my room and finding them going through my lingerie. Dominic was holding up black lace corset and laughing as he dared his friends to try it on. Man was I steaming mad when I found them there. Chased them down the stairs and out to the backyard, they laughed as the group ran to the stream and laughed harder as they realized I started to hesitate.
"What's wrong Missy, you scared," Dominic teased dancing around on the other shore.
"Shut up you brat, just wait till I catch you." I snarled back wondering if I should just walk away then hide and wait for them to come to me.
I didn't have that chance, the rains the night before had softened the ground and raised the water in the stream. Dominic continued to prance around, feeling smug. That's when it happened, He fell sliding on the mud into the churning water below. I screamed rushing to the waters edge yelling at the others to go for help. It felt like ages but most likely was seconds until I heard the sound of footsteps approaching me. I was already soaked after throwing myself into the stream after Dominic. Two hands grabbed me and pulled me back up the slick bank.
"It's ok Missy, it wasn't your fault," My mother cooed into my ear, "It was an accident, you wouldn't have seen it coming."
I looked up through my teary eyes into her calm yet scared face.
"I know mom, its just that I was the one who chased them over here. I should have known" I sobbed back.
"Shh, don't talk like that, you would never have known."
Back at the house I watched as the police talked to my parents quietly in the kitchen. They took notes and some even walked out back on there way to the stream. They soon made there way over to were I was sitting.
"Young Miss. may we have a word please?" The older looking cop asked sitting down.
"It's Missy"
"Excuse me, Missy, may we have a word?"
"I don't want to talk, it's not like my brother was murdered. He drowned for God's sake why do you need to bother my family." I yelled in there faces, standing and turning away.
I climbed the stairs to my room and picked up my garments off the floor. When I picked up my corset I broke down in tears wishing for my brother back. That night I lay crying in my bed, my tears soaking my pillow. That was when my life changed.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
This was a sad but good story. I really liked how you made sure we knew what emotions every person you talk about. I also really like how you were telling the story as a flashback. After reading this story I really want to read more. I wonder if for a another story is you could wright it from the perspective of the mom, dad or even Dominic.
Hey there.
Writing an epistolary novel has both its ups and downs. You can do without a lot of descriptions that you don't want to give and even, at times, make the characters say things that might not happen. On the other hand, when done conventionally, if you can't have 'the voice' that readers would get sucked into, then it becomes a failure. You have the voice. So, nice job there!
Moving on to the content, the story does have a pretty common plot. Someone in the family/ A close friend passes away, and the MC is mourning and/or depressed and his or her angst sets the tone for the entire story. Unless you do something totally different with the premise, it has that possibility of being predictable, and you don't want that, 'cause you seem to be a pretty competent writer.
There are a lot of errors in this draft and I always strongly suggest writers to read and re-read their drafts because the first draft's bound to be crap. You're one isn't, and that only goes to show that if you work on this, it would get a lot of better.
You don't really tell us anything substantial but Dominic and I understand that this is only the first chapter, but one thing you should, what everyone should, keep in mind is unless you give us a moderate amount of info on your characters: how they behave or what they were life for example, the reader won't be able to "relate".
Skipping the parts on how the parents react might not go well with how you want this story to be or maybe you'll be attending to that in the following chapters.
It's a good start, no doubt. And the ending to this chapter is intriguing. keep writing.
Un.
Hello and Happy Review Day!!
Your first paragraph is a little bit too large. Especially when compared to the others. You could split the paragraph somewhere between these sentences: I wonder if things will ever go back to normal, if my life will stop changing. I put my Diary down setting the pen on top.
The diary entry is very well written. I could easily imagine the words coming from the head of your character, and it was interesting to read.
Chased them down the stairs and out to the backyard, they laughed as the group ran to the stream and laughed harder as they realized I started to hesitate.
You need to put 'I' before 'chased'.
"What's wrong Missy, you scared," Dominic teased dancing around on the other shore.
Dominic (love the name) is asking a question, so his speech needs a question mark instead of a comma.
I would like to know how her parents reacted to the brother's death. A little more description would be nice. I would also like to know how the police officer reacted when Missy shouted at him. Other than that, it's a good first chapter. I suggest you continue this story.
Hello! ^.^
This piece was pretty sad. You can really feel the character's mourning for her brother, how she wishes she can can just go back and change what happend. Good job with that! I think strong emotions are something pretty important to add in the beginning of the story so we can get a feel of the main character.
I did notice a few mistakes though, but nothing big.
In the first paragraph where it says, "I put my Diary down setting the pen on top," I think should be the start of a new paragraph, since you're moving onto another subject. There's also the lines, "That's when it happened, He fell sliding on the mud.." and " "Young Miss. may we have a word please?" where he needs to be lower case and may needs to be a capital.
I found this little bit a kind of awkward part of the story:
"Young Miss. may we have a word please?" The older looking cop asked sitting down.
"It's Missy"
"Excuse me, Missy, may we have a word?"
--I think it would flow a bit better if you cut out the the 'Missy, may we have a word?' and just said straight out something like, 'Excuse me. Could we talk with you for a second?' The repeating of the first two lines sound kind of strange to me.
Otherwise, good start! Keep on with the great work!
~Owl
Hey myjaspercat! CHRISSY321 here with a review!
One thing I like about this story is that it is relatable, and honest! I feel the same way sometimes, when people see that you lost someone you love, and all they say is "I'm sorry" or "Are you okay?" I feel, and so does the person in this story, that it is kinda stupid, and annoying in a time of lost- but then you realize that they are only trying to be nice! I feel that way all the time - therefore making this story relatable, and that is wonderful! Good for you there!
I Think that the idea for this is great, and can really turn into something great! I just wish we can know the age of the person. That was one thing I was wondering during this story. Another thing I may fix is the flow. Is the person writing down all of this in the diary, or just remembering it? Whe you have that first big paragraph after 'Dear Diary' there is a big part you should separate! :
" The wait for you to say "OK" or "it was fine" but that's a bit of bullshit. Life never is "OK" or "it was fine" life is messed up, it takes away the things that are most important. Life screws you until the point of breakdown. That's how my life is. I wonder if things will ever go back to normal, if my life will stop changing. I put my Diary down setting the pen on top. I..."
You should separate where it says "I put my diary down..." into a whole other part, because it is when the person ceases writing in the diary, and tells about the memory she is having at the moment! This confused me, and made me have second thoughts!
Other that those fixes, this was great! I cannot wait to hear more! You did a great job, and this is a great story! Keep Writing!