I smell dust,
Heavy and thick in the air.
It suffocates me,
Makes me feel like I am dying,
I wish I was dying.
******
I taste gravel,
Gritty and raw between my teeth.
And it rubs my tongue
Until it is raw and bleeding,
I wish it would kill me.
*******
I cannot move,
There is no space.
My arms are smashed between
My body and this wooden box,
I hate it.
*******
I hear him laugh,
It’s deep and husky.
My body starts to panic,
A thin layer of sweat covers me,
I am afraid.
*******
I do not know,
Where he is or has been.
Each step he takes rattles the ground,
That so calmly lies above me,
I am buried.
******
He put me here,
This is a part of his game.
To disorient me,
To scare me,
Until I am nothing but an empty shell.
******
Then he will let me go,
Only so he can begin the hunt.
And once catches me,
It starts all over again.
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140,134 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Ohhhhhhh now I see how the other one's a prequel! This one's pretty cool to, though. A few mistakes here and there, like in your last stanza you wrote "And once catches me," you for got the he. Also while I did like both poems I don't feel like it was a smooth transition, as in the prequel maybe should of been a little longer. However, aside from that I loved bothe poems, and can't wait to read more! Keep calm and write on!!! =^_^=
P.S. Sorry this was a little on the short side.
thank you and glad you see the connection. I feel like I might add something before the previous
Really?! Yes! I meant too and both in my review, sorry about that.
Hi , myjaspercat
It' is teacake013 here to review you're work
So in this piece of writing it seeks to find fresh and uniquely form for the poem, letting the
structure grow out of the poem's subject matter or inspiration.
In this poem it he main matter is game which I feel is really good as I am a fellow lover of you're work like censorship poem you r a very opinionated writers and I like that about you.
Thus is one of my favorite works from you:)!!!
Keep on writing your heart out!!!:)!:)
Love , Teacake013
thank you. Glad you like my writing. I promise to message you when my next poem is out.
Okay I've only been on here a few days, but this is my absolute favorite piece I've read so far, and this is why: it was confusing and vague and still very immediate and grounded in action. You used simple words that weren't overly dramatic, and yet created a bunch of suspense.
I am going to respectfully disagree with the previous two commenters, I think one of the strengths of this poem is that it isn't clogged with annoying thesaurus-y words, it doesn't have unnecessary words clunking around in it. In comedy terms, there is zero fat on this. Hemingway wrote simply, and yet created some of the best writing of his generation. I actually struggle with that, with keeping it simple. I don't have too much to critique! Nice work!
Thank you so much. I am glad that you liked it. Actually as I was writing, I did look in a thesaurus to find stronger, 'bigger' words but as I wrote them in then read it back I felt like it hurt the flow. (or the flow that I was aiming for.) so I did stick to simple 'childlike' words that I hoped (in my mind) would still create that suspenseful feeling. Again, thank you. (I am glad you liked it simple.
)
No problem
This is good. I agree with the thesaurus comment from the guy below me. I like the actual content of this work, but I don't feel like enough was given to the reader so that the reader can truly understand it for what it is. Although I can formulate some ideas, I don't really know who the "he" featured in the piece is. I feel like this piece would actually benefit from some more literary devices, like possibly some alliteration. Aside from these things, I really do like what you've done so far.
thank you for your review. As for the 'he' being vague, well, I wanted that. I was looking for a piece where it's kind of like a 'story' told from the perspective of the kidnapped girl and she doesn't really know 'him'. (I hope you get what I mean.) But anyways, thanks again I appreciate all the feedback I ould get.
Inked here!
Okay to start off you had a little typo at the end. I think you meant to put "And once he catches me."
It was good, you might want to rewrite it and this time use a thesaurus, if you are writing a suspenseful poem use suspenseful words. It never hurts to use big words, or try simple small words, but have them hold a lot of meaning.
this was good. The way I interpreted it was that Bad guy puts girl in box. She is convinced he is going to let her out just to put her back in again.
Have you heard of chain link poems, they are like series in books for poems. Your poem is so story like I believe that if you wanted to you could create a link. Maybe tell it from the man's perspective.
well I'm done!
~ Inked!
thank you for the review. I had been asked if I could take one of my stories and make them into a series of poems, so that is exactly what I am going to do.
As well (for a little background) The man takes girls and puts them in boxes (like you said) but he buries them. Again, thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it and I will take it into consideration.