Young Writers Society

Ouch.

Yeah, so this is what I would say should be a prologue. It's short, says hardly anything about the characters, but is still a very effective piece of work. The objective of a prologue is to make readers ask questions, while drawing them in. This is what has been done; I have questions by the boatload.

The description is really the only thing I can comment on here, seeing as it is just all description and thoughts. What is here is fantastic, but I think you missed a fantastic opportunity for doing a bit of description in relation to what the heart felt like. The guy just pulls it out and stuffs it into a lunchbox. Why not comment on how it felt in his hand, the blood oozing down his sleeve and dripping from his fingers? The description with the perfume is exceptional, especially when added with the opinion of the man.

One thing that isn't present though is smilies and metaphors. I could see any, and, again, there's a veritable cache of parts that are crying out to be described, so sprinkling a few smilies would be nice- maybe plug one or two into describing the heart?

All in all, you did very well, and while I never really get emotionally affected by literature, I may have checked over my shoulder once or twice. Definitely carry on.

Hey, Jaspercat. I always did enjoy creative writing class and I'm glad to see that people still take those type of classes, especially seeing that most people nowadays don't enjoy sitting down and writing much of anything but rather playing video games and sports and partying...but that's a different story.

Anyways, I'm here to review your work for you! Even though you posted this about a week or so ago. To start off, I just want to let you know that the line about the fire was very beautiful. The first paragraph really draws you in and to me it seems like it's a movie scene unfolding with the description that you use.

(Also, fun story: I looked away and back at the story and I went into like the middle of it and read way too far ahead and was like WOAH WHAT THE HECK...)

Sorry.

The details of this man coming to her sicken me. He seems like an ugly predator, just looking at his prey as simply prey and not a human being. I love the way you describe his anger, almost as if he's angry with woman over all. Why? I really would like more details about that. What happened to him?

I'm shuddering at the description you used to describe the knife going into her head...I'm hoping this is a college writing course and you're not handing this to a middle school/high school teacher. With the details, it could make anyone shudder. This man seems so frustrated with her but it doesn't seem personal. Why does he want her heart? Why this woman? Who is he? More?..Please.

Hey, myjaspercat!

Raven here for a quick review! Now, I see in the title that you are confused whether this is chapter one or a prologue. So, I would like to link you to this: To prologue or not to prologue

Now, even though this piece is not long, it is "sweet." (In saying sweet, I mean that it is very good. I mean, wow, this gave me the chills.) The description is just... scary. The reader can see what is happening, clearly, like, very clear. The image that was painted is so beautiful, so alarming, that I might have to go drink calming tea and admire your writing. Just, the way the story began was... an alarm telling us that this story was terrifying. (I think I'll stop rambling about description now.)

Now, after reading the second paragraph, I was afraid of what direction this story was going to take. Thankfully, she was only murdered... *Wow, never thought I'd say that.* Though, I am wondering why he killed her. Yeah, he was angry, but was that his only reason, his only motivation? (Oh, and I can totally relate to his hate of the vanilla smelling perfume.)

I am also curious why no names are used throughout this chapter. Is it because the characters mentioned here are not important? Will this just be forgotten, or will this haunt the man for a long time to come? What is the importance of this prologue/chapter? (Also, the title has me wondering too. Will the woman haunt him? In spirit? These are very important questions.)

Love this story and I hope you can keep my updated when you post more!

Rae,

Wow.
This was..just..so...epic!!!
I usually hate violence and gore and blood and anything to do with it, but this was epic.
This was very well written. It had me hooked from the first line.
The imagery in the first paragraph was very wonderfully done. It painted a very contrasting picture and I loved it.

The suspense was built up very nicely from there on. The guy creeps up on the woman. Waits there for a while, preparing to strike. I just have one problem with this part.
"malice grin". This just doesn't sound right. I don't know why. Maybe change it to him grinning maliciously or grinning malice.

The killing scene was perfect, but there was a typo.

"It barely pierced her skull, but went in deep enough to cause the women to drop the book and fall to the floor"

It should be woman. as well...there is just one woman. right??


The last paragraph finished it all very well.
From cutting out the heart to packing it in an ice box.

I think this would work better as a prologue, as it sets up a book very nicely by giving a little insight into the killer's mind.

Great work!