Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
When I was ten my mom left, just up and went, packed a single brown-leather suitcase and drove off in her old VW-bug. It ended up leaving my dad devastated, enough to make him develop insomnia and depression over night. It was like looking into the eyes of someone who was still functioning but really dead on the inside. There was no more hints of life in his once beautiful blue eyes, he stopped smiling at the little things of life; it hurt to watch him. After that he kind of abandoned me and my older sister; left us to fend for ourselves. Tossed us into the middle of the ocean right before the biggest storm hits. It was fine at first, we had food and the necessities, but after a while we started to experience a different type of life. We no longer had what we needed, our food started to diminish slowly and both of us found our suppers consisting of nothing but a small bowl of rice and a few slivers of chicken. By fourteen I lost half my body weight, my energy was low and I didn't feel like continuing on with everyone else. It took all of my strength to even climb out of bed in the morning.
The last time I even saw my sister was the night before I turned fifteen. I'll never forget that night either, it haunt's me when I sleep [if I even sleep]. It was a rather windy night, the clouds hung low in the sky and an eerie mist covered the plains. We were sitting in the back of my fathers old pick-up truck, tired and starving. Earlier when my dad dug his way into his bottomless shell we promised each other that neither of us would go hungry. That promise was broken a long time ago. Now, we were both skin and bone teenage girls accepting any meal offered our way. I hated it, truly. Made me feel weird to take others food, didn't seem right, but I did it anyways along with so many other things that never felt right. I would tell myself that we were only be kind and taking what people offered us instead of being self centered and not taking their offerings, but it still hurt me, like I was being punished.
"Annie, promise me that no matter what happens to us, you will always remember me." My sister whispered grabbing my hand as she continued to stare at the swirling clouds above us.
I looked at her, shocked that she would even say something like that. "I don't understand. Why would I ever forget you? You are my sister for god's sake."
"I know Annie, it's just..." She dropped my hand and jumped down from the tailgate, leaving her shoes behind as she made her way through the wild flowers of the meadows that grew behind the family ranch. It was the only thing that wasn't covered in dirt, always painted green with many colors.
"Mell, come on talk to me." I pleaded, jumping off the tailgate as well, "What do you know that I don't?"
If I could take back words I would. Because what haunts me the most about that night was the look in her eyes as she turned around and whispered the word 'sorry'. Tears moistened her eyes and I watched as she walked towards me, pulling me in a hug and continued to whisper that word. That's when I knew, something big was about to happen and whatever it was we weren't going to be together anymore.
"Annie. I love you, remember that." Melody sobbed as she pushed my black hair from my face. "
"I still don't understand Mell, what's going to happen?"
She pulled back and looked me straight in the eyes, "Annie, tonight the police will come. They are going split us apart and send us to foster homes until someone either adopts us or we grow up. Do you understand?"
All I could do was nod.
"Dad is going away too, their going to send him to a hospital."
That's when I broke and completely lost all control. "What do you mean the hospital? Dad is fine!" I ended up yelling at her to brake her grip on my arms.
"Annie, please calm down." She tried soothing.
"Why? So you can tell me how screwed up Dad is, do you think I am an idiot! I know that he is different ever since mom left, but he doesn't need to go to a hospital! We can take care of him!"
"Annie, you don't understand. He needs help, professional help and neither of us can give that to him. It's for the best."
I looked at my sister that night with a deathly glare. I didn't fully understand then, all I knew was that she was trying to brake up the rest of our family. I turned and ran, through the meadow and towards the house, not caring how many flowers I crushed on the way. Behind me I could her my sister yelling my name and then I heard the truck start up and turn my way.
As I neared the edge of the fields, I could see the red and blue flashing lights parked in the drive. My heart raced, palms sweat, as I sprinted the last few yards to the ranch fence, threw it open and ran straight to the medical examiners that held my father by his arms. Hands, flailing I punched and scratched and kicked at the two paramedics that were taking away my father.
"Get your Fucking hands off of him." I yelled as I continued to fight while being pulled away from an officer. "He doesn't need your help, my bitch of sister lied, let him go!"
I couldn't see straight anymore, tears were clouding my vision and I was losing my voice. The officer that was trying to get me of the two paramedics grabbed me by the waste and tugged one hard tug. As if I weighed nothing he lifted me off the ground and then spun me around and placed me on my feet, keeping my hands securely in his. I kicked back and heard him give a faint huff as my barefoot knocked the air from his lungs. That's when I watched the pickup pull into the dirt drive and slamming to a stop, sending dust flying every-were.
"Annie, please!" She yelled climbing out of the truck. "You aren't helping any one by throwing a fit."
"Me, throwing a fit! Ha you fucking bitch, I am trying to do something right here! You're just the skank that want's to break up the family." I yelled at her, nearly spitting.
"Break up the family? My god Annie you are so clueless. I am trying to help the family, you just can't take it when I make the right choice. You're just jealous."
"Jealous, bitch please. Just get out of the family if you are so god damn bent on leaving. Nobody fucking wants you here."
I watched her jaw drop as she registered the words I just said. I had to admit, I was happy. So happy, even though I was still locked in the arms of the police officer.
"Fine! What ever you say Annie. I guess I am unwanted, oh precious Annie always the center of attention. Well guess what, I always resented you. Pretty black hair, green eyes, big boobs and a butt. Well any if you're happy then I guess I just shouldn't be here. Good bye Annie."
Those were the last words I ever heard her say to me. My heart broke a million times over as I watched her drive away and then watch my father be driven off in an ambulance, last time I saw him as well. Still locked in the officer's arms I sank down to my knees and cried. Yelling every mean word I could think of at the clouds that started releasing rain above us, as if the world knew what kind of pain I was in and decided to cry with me...
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hi there, how is your day going?
Alright, so first off let me say that I really like this, and I can't wait to read more. Admittedly I was a little confused in the beginning because of how you phrased the first paragraph.
At first I was sure that this was a metaphor, but then the farther I read, the more unsure I was to whether or not they were really stranded in the middle of the ocean for years. Then, in the second paragraph the sisters were sitting in the back of their father's truck, and I finally understood what you were saying. Maybe you could give more detail as to what is going on in the first paragraph?
The way the second sentence begins makes it seem like a sentence fragment, as if it's not started properly. Maybe you could connect the two sentences? Or begin the second with It made me feel... instead?
Not to seem picky, or like I'm trying to point out every mistake, but here I think you mean being.
I also agree with windrattlestheblinds; you shouldn't explain everything in one paragraph. Hint at their hunger throughout the scene, maybe mention that meals have been few and far between or something. Don't come right out and say that they're starving.
Anyway, I'm not going to criticize every detail. Honestly, I love the language used; I believe that cursing is used best when trying to get a point across. I do believe that you use more than enough cursing throughout their conversation. There is a point when it becomes too overwhelming for a reader, even one who uses that type of language on a daily basis.
I also believe that the punctuation is a little off. Nothing too major really--you added a comma instead of a period, or an exclamation point where there should have been a question mark. Punctuation isn't a big issue here, but I just thought I should mention it.
Overall, I love this and I'm really excited to read more! I hope I didn't sound too critical, and I hope that you'll let me know when you post more. Keep up the good work, and write on!
-ForsakenAngel
The first few paragraphs seem like a lot of telling to me. Obviously since it’s the beginning of the story, you’re going to need SOME exposition, but grief and emotional trauma of the sort you’re dealing with here are almost always more effective shown, not told. One thing you could try is to rework the opening paragraphs into a flashback, so the story would begin with Annie reliving, say, the afternoon when her dad told her and Melody that their mother wasn’t coming back. You could go into detail about how hollow his voice sounds, how he won’t look them in the eye, how the house feels emptier without her, etc., whatever works to convey the instant despair that mom’s departure sparked.
Then, when you jump forward to the last time Annie gets to see her sister, you could leave off mentioning that they’re both starving for a while. Hint at it, of course, by pointing out how skinny they both are or having Annie think about food really frequently. Reveal the direness of the situation in little chunks, rather than a single paragraph of exposition.
You’ve already got a start on that part of things, actually. As soon as Melody asks Annie to remember her no matter what, the reader KNOWS something big is about to change. That’s the kind of statement that, even if it was the very first line in the story, immediately sets up the expectation that the status quo is about to get torn to shreds. It also hints at something bad, either about the current situation or about the thing that’s going to happen; coming on the end of the opening you have now, or a flashback of their mother leaving and dad falling into the beginnings of severe depression, the reader would know that the badness is most likely about the current situation. You don’t have to do anything else to tell us that; it’s self-evident in the structure of what you’ve given us so far.
The argument between Melody and Annie is kind of a mixed bag, for me. On the one hand, it really drives it home that Melody is the older, more realistic sibling; she’s set up as the pragmatist, and although it’s clear she loves Annie and her father very much, she understands that leaving things as they are will just end in more suffering, maybe even death from starvation. It hints at INCREDIBLE strength on her part, to be able to make that decision to inform the authorities of what’s going on, even at the cost of losing her family. And she’s also clearly broken up about it.
By the same token, the conversation really shows how much Annie is still very much a child. It seems like she’s still convinced that she—or maybe Melody—can fix the family and recover the situation without help. It’s very understandable that she would react with horror and anger to what, to her, would appear to be a betrayal rather than a tragic but absolutely necessary decision on Melody’s part. From her point of view, Melody just destroyed any hope they had of being a real family again—because Annie believes, however naively, that the situation has a hope of getting better on its own. She’s wrong, but understandably so.
What I’m not so sure about is the direction the argument takes. Annie blindly attacking the people she perceives as wrongly trying to imprison her father is fine, and fits with her personality and understanding of the situation. What doesn’t fit is the way that she turns around and starts attacking Melody. The impulse to attack in and of itself is natural for the situation—but the manner in which she does it read to me more like “jealous clingy popular girls fighting over mutual love interest” than “one sister is mad because the other sister called social services.” I mean, “skank” is a pretty loaded insult, and one that is used, in my experience, to mean “promiscuous home/relationship-wrecker” or simply as a synonym for “slut.” It seems like a weird choice given that the actual fight is about Melody calling social services.
It also seems weird that the fight then devolves into accusations and admissions of jealousy (especially since she’s jealous of pretty hair and curves—haven’t they been starving for five years? Where did Annie get the nutritious food she needed to have nice hair and grow boobs?). Yes, Melody’s obviously upset by how Annie’s acting, but if she’s going to lose it and say nasty things that she doesn’t mean, it’d make more sense to me for it to be an attack on Annie’s intelligence and/or naïveté—“you’re so stupid” or “you’re delusional” or “we can’t all live in fairytale worlds where everything just gets better on its own!” sort of thing—rather than physical appearances. Especially when they’re both, per previous narration, bags of bone with all the health problems that that entails.
Like, as an older sibling myself? If I were in a similar situation and my little sister acted this way after I’d done everything I could to make sure she didn’t STARVE TO DEATH? I’d be really, really angry. I wouldn’t think she was jealous; I’d think she was acting like an idiot child.
So while the fact that Melody’s decision provokes a fight makes total sense, the content of the fight seems weird and disconnected from reality. That issue aside, though, I think you’ve got a good basic structure for how the fight shakes out. All you need to do is fix the content of the dialogue itself, and everything will make perfect sense as well as hitting really hard emotionally. Make sure to build both Annie and Melody’s arguments from the actual situation and their personal thoughts about it, rather than reverting to stereotypical ideas about how girls fight (i.e., by attacking each other’s personal appearances and/or by slutshaming) and why (i.e. because jealousy).
I think you’ve got a great foundation to work with from here. As a prologue, this needs to set up the situation for the rest of the story, which it does quite well. Assuming that the story will be about Annie in foster care, or shortly after leaving foster care, this prologue works great as a “the story so far” kind of introduction to the main event. The problems it has are more at a surface level; the basic structure you’ve set up is fine. All it needs is a bit of troubleshooting and some polish.
Thank you. I fully understand all the points you made clear and I will definitely take that into consideration.