Wind blows slow, until it hits a wall or in my case a body.
Then it blows so fast it knocks me to the ground
with a rush of mischievous youthfulness that tears me apart
limb for limb, until I am shredded and left raw and bleeding.
You told me you'd be ok and blindly I believed you.
I deafened my ears until I only saw the vibrations your voice made,
you told me you were going to be ok, but through the fog of my naïve
childish wonder I knew that a storm was brewing in your soul
too fast and too soon.
It would pick you up off your feet and drag you under the water
by your shirt collar until you too lay lifeless upon a metal gurney
with an old stained blanket covering your bruised black and blue face.
You told me you were going to be ok and before I knew it, you had vanished
from my eyes and I looked down every road in search of you
until my eyes became so accustomed to that darkness I couldn't see the light
any longer.
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I love the first line of this poem a lot, how it starts with the winds blowing slow, and the rhyme kind of lulls the reader, but then everything turns violent as the person is pushed. It makes the reader feel pushed around and caught off guard by the poem just like the person is.
When lines are longer like this, sometimes it's difficult to keep the metre going. I felt that was true for this poem. Some of the lines don't flow as well as they could, so I might go back and read through the poem just concentrating on how it sounds.
I love the use of "you" throughout the poem, it made it feel incredibly immediate, which I enjoyed.
The imagery in this piece is absolutely lovely! Thanks for posting this!!
-tgirly
Hey there, Myjaspercat!!
This is Eros here with a review for this poem of yours in this special day of special occasion of the review day !
Happy review day !
The poem has a good start. And till the end, you are successful in maintaining the link and the attention of us, the readers.
The poem has a smooth flow. It has a smooth flow of ideas, thoughts and feelings. Everything that you have described here is awesome. I loved the choice of set of the words. A few words like "gurney" are a bit new to me... I mean they are not used as often. That made the poem very unique.
The ththeme of the poem is also very unique and interesting. I loved the overall idea behind the poem.
Then... As for grammar and punctuation ...I don't see any flaws or mistkake...
It was an awesome poetry with everything described clearly making the readers understand everything that's going on. The poem has a lyrical effect too. And that is something, I personally find is difficult to write.
Good job. Great work.
Keep writing such beautiful poetries and other stuff and we would love to keep reading them and reviewing them !
Have a great day / night !
Happy review day, once again.
With love,
Eros.
Well since this is a flash-poem I'm not sure if you want it to actually get a review or if you just want feedback on your poetry style in general in the poem. Given that it is a flash poem, I'll hazard more towards the style rather than specifics.
By the end of the poem you have a clear point, suicide, but I don't really feel that at the beginning of the poem. When you're going into a flash poetry thing, try to make sure you have an idea for what you want to talk about at the beginning rather than just letting it come to you. That will give you a more concrete poem at the end.
The poem is really good at following the metaphor of a storm even though it has to use a couple refrains to get back there. That's alright, it makes it more lyrical that way. I like how you use the image of a storm and wind collecting people and plucking them from the earth throughout the poem, but I feel like you need to make sure you're keeping your timeline right. To begin the poem we have the speaker taken away, and yet the speaker doesn't die until the end, if I'm interpreting this right. I'd like to see her live at the beginning, or stay upright, avoid the winds to begin with, and then get hit by them at the end. That would make this a more powerful poem.
Um, right, not specifics. Your lines feel a bit choppy. When you're trying to determine where to put line breaks in a flash fiction, if you start out in a way you don't like, do a stanza break and that should cure you of the old line style.
I feel like you need to watch out for some of the typical pitfalls of common phrases "I believed in you" sort of falls flat because it isn't shown when you have this beautiful symbol of the storm. Watch out for that in your poetry and try to make your metaphor do most of the work if you stick with a single one.
Yup, overall your poetry is pretty good. I'd like to see more of your regularly written stuff rather than something done in a short time limit! I think you've got a good handle on this.