My hands brush dirt,
Moist and covered in the
Underbrush of
The forest floor.
I can finally feel,
The wind brush the hair that
Has stuck to my face
In hot, sweety clumps.
I suck in a deep breath.
Letting my lungs fill
And I hold it in,
Until I can no longer hold it in.
Then I let it go,
Slowly, controling.
Because it's one of the only
Things I can control.
I sit up,
Letting my spine streatch
And then I arch over,
Greatful for the freedom of movement.
I dont know what day it is,
Or what time,
I can speculate but what
I do know, is that
He
Is
Coming
Back...
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140,134 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
this poem can be said as a biography of a woman who is imprison her hands are tied this back is aching.she is telling that her loose hairs are the oonly thig she could control. i really take pity on her condiion. this poem has a story like narration which i appreciate the most. the ending which says that he's coming back demands a copunter part of the poem. congrats on a good work.
thank you, I'm glad you liked it.
thank you, I'm glad you liked it.
Huh.
Well that was interesting XDD LOL
So yeah, @Bball41 has already said a lot about this piece, so I'm going to try to say something else.
I will point out off the the top that I found a typo:
"In hot, sweety clumps." -> I'm guessing this is supposed to be "Sweaty"
Anywho, I will say I was a bit confused by the last stanza. Like, I get that this person is apparently in some kind of forest and they've either been restrained or held captive in some way. But, then you throw in this random guy and the reader is kinda just left wondering what exactly is happening.
Now, I'm not saying that is is necessarily a bad thing, I just don't think it's a smart thing. Yeah, it poetry, and I get that due to artistic liberty, you're allowed to make it as confusing and unique as you desire. But, in the case that you are trying to get something across with this piece, that you are trying to pull someone into the world you're depicting, at least give sometime of foreshadowing in one of the prior stanzas. That way, when the last stanza does come up, it's still surprising and a bit scary, but doesn't seem out of place in the context you're setting up before that.
Does that make sense?
Besides that, I really don't have anything else to really say anything about. This is a really good job, and I commend you for that. Just take what I suggested into account, and do as you wish.
Good job!
~Maddie
Thank you for your review, and I'm sorry about the confusion but this is technically part of a series and this happens after my other two in the related items side. If you check it out then you might have a little more background. Again though, thank you
If that is the case, than either above or below the actual work, maybe mention that this is part of a series, and maybe add links to the other pieces. Not only will that keep it from becoming confusing, but it could get your other work some more viewing
Well, I thought I mentioned it in the description before you click on it, and the 'links' are on the side, in the related items column.
Okay, so this poem was a really easy read and also very intriguing! I dot know if I have read your other pieces, but after reading I might have to. You have a way of captivating your reader, which at the moment is myself, and make me gravitate toward every word you have written. While this may be a weird way of putting it, it's just what I feel.
First off, I live the plot. Like I said earlier, I don't think I have read or other pieces which I suppose are related to this one, but I have a feeling that I know what is going on. And if I don't, do not feel bad! I sometimes have a different perspective on things, and see things differently sometimes... Just like everyone else.
What I got from this poem is that this narrator was kidnapped but a man. She is confined to a little area, but has since then been able to moved a little more freely. This person is super nervous and a little scared, because even thoug she may not know when, she knows that the man is returning. Again, if I am totally off I am super sorry.
I love the pictures that you have painted with your words. For some people it is really hard to be that descriptive and keep it intriguing and interesting... Bravo I nailed it! Also, because of our detailing, I can get a better understanding if what is going in and what the mood is. Because the mood is set I have abetted understanding as to how I should feel and that's a good thing in my opinion.
I do have a couple things to say. Obviously you can totally chose to not use any of the suggestions I'm gonna blow your way, but hey why not give you some anyway?!?
1. There are a couple spelling errors. Super easy fixes. My suggestion would be to read it through slowly and find where they are.
2. Some of the little chunks are not so easy flowing. My suggestion would be mess around with it a little, make it easier to read by trying new formatting or other techniques.
That's about it for me. I loves your poem and you have a lot of potential!! You have some awesome talent!
Keep writing bro.
~#41
Thank you and yes you totally got what I was trying to say through this piece
I would love you to read the other two pieces (in the related items on the side; 'Cassandra' first then 'his game') but that's up to you however I think you would get a good background. Thank you for your wonderful review I really appreciate it. As for the spelling errors, well, I thought that would happen since I was using a tool on my computer that didn't have spell check. My bad. Again thank you and I'm glad you liked them. 