Another Zombie Novel: Chapter One Part 3

by myjaspercat

Published July 7, 2016

12+ Language

In Already Printed

I looked down, tying to avoid eye contact with the guy who so earnestly held out his hand in a gesture of friendship. I don't know what to do. I've been alone so long now that the thought of being with someone new, with people is just such a frighting thought. I can feel him watching me. I don't like it. I don't really like anything at in-fact, not anymore. When I was a kid, I had a lot of things I liked -many of us do. I liked candy (particularity butterfingers; their crunch was just so satisfying). I liked my mom, my dad and my sister. I even was obsessed with the infamous Hanna Montana, an obsession I now feel embarrassed by. However none of that matters anymore, cause our world is gone, buried under the ash and rubble of our cities. Our heroes, our celebrities -disappeared with the first major outbreak of this god damn virus. Everything, and I mean everything had changed. Now looking at the past eight years, I have come to realize how privileged we were. Everyone; no matter the social class. We were all privileged. 

I don't know how long I've been looking down, but it's been long enough -he doesn't hold out his hand. Instead he stands in front of me, silently waiting for a reaction. I look up. Instead of seeing any sort of inpatients I thought would be there, I glimpsed a small warmth in his eyes that for a split second - I thought held hope. It's a funny, sicking feeling; hope. One of the only things our broken souls can hold onto, as we wait for an end.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him, looking him straight in the eyes, not wanting to show fear.

"Could ask you the same thing," He smirked "But if you insist, I was looking for supplies. Believe it or not -you can no longer just walk to the local store to but the things you need." Chuckling softly, he slid over next to me and leaned against the wall, placing his bag down and pulling something from it. "Besides you never can find the good stuff in those ratty, old buildings anymore."

I watched him toss a few skittles into his mouth and crunch down on them. The sweet glazed sugar of the rainbow in hand tempted me. Teased me. It's been years since I've had anything other then stale crackers and whatever I can kill -which ain't much.

"Where'd you get those?"

Another smirk, another flick of the wrist -more sugared colors falling to his tongue. The silence of the world closing in around us. I can hear him chewing. Not that annoying smack that people do to piss you off or because they never learned their manners, but the quite chewing of a child who just received their favorite thing to eat. It's kinda cute really, how he seems so enthralled with the stale candy. As if he hadn't had anything sweater. I stand behind him patiently waiting myself.

"YooHoo, mister smart ass, you gonna answer me or what?"

He looks at me, innocently, like he just heard me for the first time. I wouldn't be surprised though, if that was the first time he heard me. He seemed to be the kind of person who focused intently on one thing at a time - which in this day is not really a good thing. An overly focused mind could get one killed, my mother used to say. I miss her. I remember when the disease took over her. It had happened so slowly that by the time it had fully overtook her, her pain was beyond control. Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night, hearing her screams echoing through my mind. The hauntings of my memories.

"Does it really matter where? That's not really what you want to know now is it?"

I look at him confused, "What do you mean?"

"You want to know how I found you here."

"I'm sorry but I'm confused. You didn't find me, we stumbled upon each other. Like come on, I'm not stupid enough to believe I was the only one left alive."

I looked him in the eyes. If I must admit, I was a little scared. I didn't understand what he was talking about.

"Come on, Alyssa. We didn't just happen to stumble upon each other in the middle of some run down and abandoned southern Georgia town. I knew you were here and frankly I've been looking for you for three weeks now."

I stepped back, how did he know my name? He stepped forward, offering up the last of his skittles. "Leave me alone." 

"I can't. See I was hired to find you and bring you back."

"Hired? By who?"

"Your sister."

Comments & reviews · 2
BlueJayWalker10 wrote a review Review · Jul 7, 2016

Quick note; I'm coming in mid-story here, so don't me if I make any mistakes on plot or anything.
Grammar N' Stuff

So far, there have been few mistakes. One big pet peeve is that you use mainly short, stocky sentences for your first paragraph. While it's all grammatically correct, (except for one mistake I'll point out in a sec) it doesn't flow well and honestly you almost lost my interest.

Here's the mistake you made:

However none of that matters anymore, cause our world is gone, buried under the ash and rubble of our cities.

Nothing big in this sentence, just a lost apostrophe. And a, it seems, lost comma. There are also a few touch-ups I'm making to make it flow better. I'll put them in bold for you to see. If you don't like it, you can just ignore 'em--remember, my review is suggestions. It ain't law.
However, none of that matters anymore--'cause our world is gone, buried under the ash and rubble of our cities.
Good choice, using the ruins to describe the loss of the world.

Instead of seeing any sort of inpatients I thought would be there, I glimpsed a small warmth in his eyes that for a split second - I thought held hope.

*Giggles*
You don't know how to spell impatience, do you?
Here.
Instead of seeing any sort of impatience I thought would be there, I glimpsed a small warmth in his eyes that - for a split second - I thought held hope.

"Could ask you the same thing," He smirked "But if you insist, I was looking for supplies. Believe it or not -you can no longer just walk to the local store to but the things you need."

You've got a little issue here with "he smirked". I'll help you fix that.
"Could ask you the same thing." He smirked. "But if you insist, I was looking for supplies yaddah yaddah yaddah the problem's fixed unless you wanted it to be like this:
"Could ask you the same thing," he smirked, "but if you insist, I was looking for supplies. Believe it or not, you can no longer just walk into the local store to buy the things you need."

Also, you spelled "but" instead of "buy".

The rest of the story's fine. I like the man--how he goes from seemingly childish and innocent to, well, threatening. I mean, being sent by her sister could be a good thing or a bad thing but I've got no clue.
But I'm going to go on the side that she's not the brightest ray of sunshine.
Good cliffhanger too--gets the reader hooked! Nice job.
Well, see you when the next chapter comes out!
-Jay

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EEP1998 Review
EEP1998 wrote a review Review · Jul 7, 2016

This was a nice read. I have to say it was really enjoyable. It made me feel like I had a deep understanding of your character when your mentioned family and their likes as a child. I also like your male character with how you make him fit in effortlessly which is a big struggle for me.
In the beging of the first paragraph your are missing the R in try so just a thought but it was probably an honest mistake. I know I make those a lot while writing. XD good job and continue writing. I can't wait to read the next chapter. :)



Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.
— Leonardo da Vinci