Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
{Not finished but I need advice.}
The sun set behind the dark rain clouds, leaving an eerie glow. Her hands shook as she pulled down her old and battered sleeves. The mere amounts of clothing she wore weren’t going to save her from the piercing rain that was sure to come later. Her only choice was to seek shelter, somewhere covered and fairly warm. Grabbing the beat up black Walmart backpack she found thrown in a dumpster two blocks away she made her way towards the rundown buildings. Her feet shuffled slowly along the ground barefoot and covered in blisters, the dirt that coated her entire body made her look twice as dark as her normal ivory skin actually was. She wondered how she got here, living hard and looking older then her years. Her teeth were rotted to the core and her hair looked like one matted knot atop her head.
The rain came quietly, like a cat stalking its prey. She picked up her pace, her feet hitting the pavement with a loud slap. Almost there, she thought to herself as she gripped her bag even tighter as if it would slip through her fingers any moment. Racing an imaginary enemy she slinked up the rough marble steps of the old school house, stopping only to grip the cold brass handle before she swung the heavy wooden door open. Once inside she looked around, it was quite except for the faint pitter-patter of the rain. Dust covered everything in a thin layer. She didn’t care, she’d seen worse, slept in worse. Tonight she was a queen, and the world was her kingdom. Slowly, because she wasn’t in a hurry to settle down, she walked the halls, peering in to class after class. She could almost imagine the children from years past laughing and learning everything she wished she could.
As the gods continued their battles in the heaven, she continued to watch her mind’s eye create image after image of smiling children. That’s when she stopped, suddenly, the smell reaching her nose. It smelled of rust and copper, a very potent smell. Taking a step back as a wave of nausea hit her she pinched her nose and continued to wards the class at the end of the hall. The door stood slightly ajar and as she got nearer the smell grew even more tenacious hitting her even harder than before. Reaching out one hand she pushed open the door the rest of the way, eyes widening. “Oh My lord,” She gasped as she took in the gruesome sight in front of her.
A child lay in the middle of the classroom, hair and clothes drenched in muddy-brown blood. Blood was splattered on the walls in almost flower like patterns, giving her the illusion of being surrounded by beauty instead of horror. Her heart raced franticly inside her chest as she backed away in fear. Outside the door she turned and fled back down the way she came, refusing to look back the way she had come. Out in the pouring rain, she sank to her knees, tears streaming down her face, in rhythm with the falling water droplets.
_*_*_*_*_*_*_
“Hello?” Colton flipped over to his side and reached one hand over to flip on his bedside lamp, a streak of lighting filling his room with a quick soft gleam.
“Hey Reece, sorry to wake you up at this hour but I just got a call from a frantic homeless women saying there is a kid in the old schoolhouse. Forensics are already heading down to the scene.”
Colton Reece sat up grabbing his black t-shirt that hung over the back of an old antique chair that belonged to his mother’s mother. “Do you know anything about this kid yet?” He asked the other officer that was on the other side of the line.
“Nothing yet, meet you down at the school in five.” With that the line went dead, Colton didn’t take any offense, he knew that time was of the essence if someone was going around murdering children.
By the time Colton made it to the scene, reporters were already lining the streets, past the sea of heads and cameras; he could see his partner Joe McNary standing underneath a black umbrella. Pushing his way through the crowd Colton noticed a young women sitting on the steps of the school wrapped in a tattered blanket, must be the homeless women who called in, he thought to himself. Making his way through the last of the crowd Colton ducked under the yellow police tape and flashed his badge to the guard. With a slight nod Colton was free to close the few feet between him and Joe, once he stood next to his partner he could glimpse the shock and disgust in Joe’s eyes.
“That bad?” He asked looking at the forensics team gliding in and out of the schools main doors.
“You couldn’t even imagine,” Joe replied glancing in Colton’s direction, “Never seen something this horrendous before, seems like this sick bastard didn’t hold back anything.”
Colton gulped, shuffling his feet slightly. “What’s the verdict?”
“Young boy, not even ten yet. Ten stab wounds to the abdomen, sick to the back of his skull. His skin is bruised in multiple places along his arms and legs and he has rope burns along his wrist. They are still looking for anything else.” Joe rubbed his face in his palms as he took several deep breaths.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
The first thing I thought reading this was that I feel like the narrative goes overboard with the detailed description. I don’t think any of it is pointless, so much as just—there’s a lot of it, and some of it’s more important than others, and the sheer level of detail feels like being flooded. For example, do we really need to know that her backpack is beaten-up and black and from Walmart and she found it in a dumpster and the location of that dumpster? Or that Colton’s shirt is black and hanging on the back of an armchair and that that chair’s antique and it belonged to his grandmother? Especially all at once? That’s a lot of, in the grand scheme of things not important unless the backpack or the chair is a plot device, detail for the reader to swallow all at once, and it doesn’t really add anything except telling us what the backpack’s like and where it’s from.
Detail is good, of course, and you’ve got that part down pretty solidly. The descriptions of the character walking, with blistered feet and coated in grime and rotting teeth and all, those do a really great job of painting the picture. Same with the descriptions of the weather (and in particular I love the sentence “The rain came quietly, like a cat stalking its prey”).
But conservation of detail, and withholding details that don’t serve a greater purpose to the narrative and just end up bogging it down, has merits too. One of the best pieces of writing advice I ever received was that every sentence has to move the story forward. If it doesn’t, and it’s just stalling, it doesn’t need to be there. So that’s something to think about.
Side note: I love these names. Colton Reece and Joe McNary just sound detective-y, and they’re also snappy and easy to remember, so good job on that!
I think your knack for vivid detail could stand to be applied to Joe’s reaction to seeing the body. This is a gruesome, icky murder (of a child, no less!), so don’t be afraid to go to town showing how shocked and sickened and barely-keeping-it-together Joe is right now.
If this is where you’re going to end the chapter, consider finding a more catchy way of ending it. Right now, with Joe struggling to keep his composure, it sort of feels like it cut off in the middle of a scene. A good way to end chapters (especially in detective stories, where you need to keep the momentum going) is to end with the protagonist going to Do Something. In this case it could be going to question the homeless lady who found the body, or going in to examine the crime scene itself, or calling his shady contacts in the criminal underground to tell them to put out feelers, or something. That has the added benefit of telling you the basics of what the next chapter will be dealing with.
On the whole, I think this is a great opening for a murder-mystery story. It’s got excellent tone, and I think you found the right balance between “gory murder” and “the author is clearly doing this for shock value,” which can be hard to accomplish. The sheer weirdness of the murder itself—little kid in an empty schoolhouse, violently stabbed to death—is enough to make me want to keep reading, and Colton and Joe both have the outlines of being engaging characters on their own.
*Throws hand up in the air* Yes! I am so happy that you liked my characters names. In all honesty I wrote this last night around one in the morning and I didn't know if the names of the detectives worked. I just kind of played around with Joe but with Colton I had a gut feeling that a surname starting with an 'R' would work best. As well, I am actually going to continue with this chapter, thank you for your review. I didn't know if it was going to work as a murder mystery since this is the first draft. Again thank you.
'it was quite except for the faint pitter-patter of the rain' - 'quite' should be 'quiet'.
'She didn’t care, she’d seen worse, slept in worse.' - the first comma should be a full stop - but the second comma is both grammatically correct and very elegant.
I really like this line:
'continued to wards the class at the end of the hall' - 'towards' is one word.
'eyes widening. “Oh My lord,” She gasped' - A new line should be taken before the opening of the speech.
'Outside the door she turned and fled back down the way she came, refusing to look back the way she had come.' - The ends of these clauses are almost exactly the same and it gets a little repetitive. I would suggest changing the second one to 'back behind her'.
'franticly' - is spelled 'frantically'.
'Colton Reece sat up grabbing his black t-shirt' - there should be a comma between 'up' and 'grabbing'.
'must be the homeless women who called in, he thought to himself. ' - I think you should take a new sentence at 'must'.
'once he stood next to his partner he could glimpse the shock and disgust in Joe’s eyes.' - New sentence here too.
The ending was a little abrupt. I think you should have saved the conversation between Colton and Joe for the next chapter because
would have made an intriguing ending to a chapter.
Nonetheless, this whole thing was very intriguing. I'd suggest mentioning that the woman was homeless. Once that was mentioned in the second part, I realised that's what you were trying to say at some points and I think you should make it a little clearer. I mean, it's not like you would lose any suspense. There's a fair bit of suspense blanketing the whole chapter anyway.
Oh, one more thing. Excellent length. I think this may be the optimum length for part of a story on this site
Well done!
thank you, and actually I was thinking of countinuing this chapter, I just don't know were to go with it.
They could go up to the crime scene maybe?
That's kind of what I was thinking. I was also thinking of a way to show how both of their experinces with homicide wouldn't have prepared them for this.
That would make sense. It would re-emphasise the severity of this incident.