Another Zombie Novel Chapter 1 part 2

by myjaspercat

Published July 1, 2016

12+

In Already Printed

The blast of cold air cause shivers to run down the girls spines, however it wasn't really the winds that brought the worst of the chills to their bones. No, it was the pair of emotionless decaying eyes that put the most of the panic in there eyes; the thought of what came next. It was the idea that they too, would aimlessly walk the world- like the hungry, mindless machines now infringing on their sanctuary.

The wind started to pick up, sending loose strands of hair to tickle their faces. Neither moved. The time had finally come for the hunters to become the prey.

"Alyssa."

"Yeah?"

"I think it's time to move now. When I say; run to the back as fast you can and lock the door, you hear?"

"What about you?"

"Don't worry about me okay. Just do as I say."

"But-"

"Alyssa. This is no time to argue...Now!"

Within the blink of an eye Amanda untangled herself and flung at the creature. She pushed it back into the heart of the night screaming profanities as she went. Stunned Alyssa stood there. Everything was just happening so fast. After a couple of seconds of blinking in confusion, Alyssa finally snapped, turned and sprinted to the back of the church -bolting into the prayer room and slamming the door behind. She waited until she could hear the sharp click of the automated dead bolt before she turned to look at the room. It was a mess-to say the less. Empty cans of out-dated food littered the floor, collecting dust and housing the occasional mouse. Mold grew in the corners, spreading like fire, and paper scattered the desk and surrounding carpet. There wasn't much light but the unearthly green glow that pushed through the overgrown forest and penetrated the mud streaked window. It could have been a beautiful room, once, before the world fell into chaos. Like most things nowadays. But all that, had been lost.

Carefully, as to avoid any of the rusted metal tins, Alyssa picked her way towards the deep mahogany desk, glancing back over her shoulder every few seconds. She was waiting for the sound of fists thumping on wood; for her sister. Up close the pastor's desk took on a whole new life, the wear of it finally showing through. Its surface was marked with the carvings of names of probably those who were also trapped in this God forsaken room. Alyssa ran her fingers along the indentations, feeling the life inside the wood.

Hours passed, the night started to fade into the subtle colors of the morning sun. The puke-pink filling the sky, followed by its brothers of reds and oranges. Rain had filled the soundless dark with its soft pitter-patter as liquid ice fell from the clouds. Along the way -into the wee hours of solitude, Alyssa must have fallen asleep; because as a hazy light cascaded into the room, the young blonde sat up -rubbing sleep from her eyes.Her hair was damp from the humidity of the Georgia summer air. It took her a few moments to come to her sense and realize where she was and how she got there. Following that recollection of thought, Alyssa bolted up and rushed to the door -stepping on every can along the way.

"Amanda!" She yelled, throwing the heavy door open and bursting into the sanctuary.

The church was silent, nothing moved or even made a sound. Five metal chairs lay strewn into the aisle, the only indication of anything being our of place. The eerie emptiness of the sanctuary caused Alyssa to shrivel up in fear; eyes darting back and forth. Afraid of another infected stumbling in, she fumbled her way back into the the backroom where she fell to her knees. It was quite, too quite....

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2016

Hey there, I'm here for a quick review this Review Day!

Overall, this was pretty good, if rather short. I like how you cut away before showing her grief and you just show her come to the realization of what must have happened.

I think you spent a little too long describing the house. Alyssa is scared - she's in a hurry and worried about her sister. She wouldn't notice that many small details about the room (though I like how she picks at the desk, that's realistic because she's using it to distract herself.) Also, you don't want to spend a lot of time in a tense scene describing the setting because that kills the mood. You want your sentences to be short, not long and flowy.

I feel like you glossed over the effects of Alyssa sitting there and waiting, then slowly realizing her sister isn't coming back. That could be a very, very chilling and emotional scene if done right, but you didn't take advantage of that at all here. Personally, I don't think she'd even have fallen asleep, at least not for a while. I want to feel her anxiety building as she sits there, staring at the door as time stretches out, straining for any sound, any sign, and slowly the despair builds in her stomach as she realizes her sister isn't coming back. Right now, it feels generic and falls flat.

It was quite, too quite....

Both of those should be "quiet."

You could also probably do with breaking up your paragraphs a bit more, to make it easier to read.

That's all I've got this time! Good luck, and keep writing!

User avatar
yizhongt
Review
yizhongt wrote a review Review · Jul 4, 2016

Hey there, yizhongt here to leave a review. I must say that this piece you have here is really well written. I enjoyed reading through it very much. The story flowed well and the descriptions you used to describe the people and the world around them is really well written. I do have one question however. Which is, why is the entire piece italicised ? In my opinion, you should only italicise inner thoughts, not the entire work. Then again, that's just my opinion.

There were only one spelling mistakes that caught my eye. This is the one:

(No, it was the pair of emotionless decaying eyes that put the most of the panic in there eyes)

It should be their eyes, not there eyes. Just a simple typo.

Then there is this sentence:

When I say; run to the back as fast you can and lock the door, you hear?"

It feels like there's something missing after I say and before ;. Is there something missing?

All in all you have a great piece of work here. I can't wait to read the second chapter of your work when it comes out. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

thank you, and for a simple clear up, this entire part is a flashback that's why it is italicized



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— Samuel Butler