I was nine years old when I first meet Andrew. It was the middle of summer. My mother and I were pulling weeds in the front yard. I remember looking up to see someone I didn't know walking towards us, the late afternoon sun casting a shadow across the ground. That is my first memory of him. Strange, different, illuminated by the light of the dying day. All around him, an air of intrigue.
"Good afternoon ladies, I just wanted to stop by and introduce myself. I'm Andrew. Andrew Price." The first words I heard him say and also the first lie.
"It's nice to meet you, I'm Amy and this is my daughter Ella. We saw the moving van and were curious about who was moving in. Where do you come from."
"Nebraska."
"Well Andrew, it's a pleasure to meet you." I watched my mother reach out and shake his hand. He just flashed a full teeth smile back.
Let's pause for a moment. Take it all in. Here I am, young, naïve, full of vigor and spirit. Here he is, the devil, in human skin with flushed pink undertones. Standing with feet shoulder with apart, hands across his chest, smiling that fake, full teeth smile.
"Would you ladies like little help with your yard work? I have a few tools back in my garage that I think may be of use to you two."
"That would be very nice thank you." My mother followed him across the street.
Me being the way I was, I followed her, curious. Curiousness is something that I've always had, and I believe it's something that I will have until the end of time. You know that saying, "curiosity killed the cat" well, I believe it. So far my curiosity has gotten me into trouble; emotional and physical trouble. But that's also for another day, not this story.
"Ah here they are." Andrew started to walk back towards us, carrying a rake and a wonder-hoe. "I haven't really used them yet so they should be great."
"Thank you again. It was really nice meeting you." My mom took the tools, smiled and dipped her head.
"Of course."
We walked back to our side of the street and worked until the daylight faded. Andrew worked with us, chatting up my mother the entire time. I remember how he looked, or really how he looked at us that day. For me, he just seemed generally kind; flashing me smiles, making jokes, he even bought me an ice cream cone from the truck that would drive up our streets on late summer nights. However, for my mother it was different. He honestly seemed interested in her, and for that I was happy. It had been a long time since I'd seen my mother happy.
That was my first memory of him, it was a good one, but not all memories are good. Just like people.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey, myjaspercat! Regismare here to review this story!
This opening could be better! You need to grab the reader with the opening, but this doesn't quite do it.
More sentence variation needed here.
He addressed a mother and her nine-year-old like this? A little strange, but sure.
This is really nice, and intriguing. It makes me very curious about this newcomer.
I really love this ending.
This is a nice story, and I enjoyed reading it. However, I'd love a bit more description of Andrew. We don't really get to know what he looks like - describe his looks, and the way he makes the POV character feel to make the reader connect more easily with the story. I'd also like a little more description in general - it'll help set the scene and add tone and character to your story.
I'm quite curious about how things progress between Andrew and Ella's mother. Your ending sentence makes me thing he won't be good for their family, and he'll betray them and hurt them somehow (as well as Ella literally calling him a devil). I feel like you can hint a little more about what happens, because I [i]really[i/] want to know. You make Ella's resentment toward him very convincing and engaging.
Apologies for a quick review, but I hope it was helpful nonetheless : )
-regismare
Thank your for the review
First thing I want to say is that I think it's really strong of you to write this story. The way I see it now it's probably going to be something about abuse, which is never easy to talk about.
A few small things however:
- "I was nine years old when I first meet Andrew." should be "I was nine years old when I first 'met' Andrew." I don't know if this was a spelling error or it was intended, but the next sentence you wrote was in past tense. You shouldn't mix tenses throughout your story.
- And one minor thing, more of a personal thing. "That was my first memory of him, it was a good one, but not all memories are good. Just like people."
Personally I would've said "But just like people not all memories are good."
I think that it sounds better, but it's your call.
All by all, it's really good so far. I've also read the first part (I find it hard to judge a chapter without knowing what happend before that). I hope you keep writing this story, not just for others but also for yourself. And I wish you the best of luck
Thank you for the review, I appreciate the fact that you think I'm strong for writing this but I have to be honest, this story isn't about me. I should probably make it clearer for everyone, but this story is about someone who is really close to me. I was given permission by her to write this and she gave a notebook with all the details and such, yes parts are a little 'dramatized' since she doesn't remember everything that was said or how she felt but for the most part, it's her story, just told through my words.
Oh well, then I guess it must be hard to imagine how she would've felt in those scenario's and accurately write it. It's still well done.