A/N: Like I said in chapter 1. Sorry about the spaceing problems, I didn't check the first chapter but I have a felling that it is also like this. I tried to fix it but I couldn't figure out how. Again, sorry.
climbed into Jessica's cherry red Mustang this morning. Their was a slow drizzle and I totally forgot my raincoat. Buckling the seat belt I turned up her stereo as my favorite singer Jamie Grace came on playing 1945. I started to sing along, needing some comfort
"Looking at the radio caught up in a dream
'Bout the days gone by when no one had a TV
Hopin' that the weather man would say good things
Like no rain on Friday for the drive in movie..."
I was cut off by Jessica as she halted to a stop for a red light and turned to me.
"Hay girl, sorry to interrupt your relief to stardom but I was wondering if you'll go to a party to night," she asked.
"Well I don't know, maybe I guess i'll ask my parents."
And with that we both wen't back to singing.
"I shoulda been born in '45
In '54 I woulda been 9
Lovin' my record player by my side
That woulda been nice yeah, that woulda been nice
I shoulda been born in '45
My first pair of high heels in '59
White shirt, poodle skirt, silk hair tie
Dancing in the moonlight
That woulda been nice"
Pulling into the parking lot of our high school Jess double checked her makeup to make sure it was perfect. She added a new coat of peach colored lip gloss and more mascara, applying some more powder to her cheeks.
"Do you really have to look like a barbie doll to go to school?" I asked rolling my eyes.
"Well if I want a boyfriend I do."
I climbed out of the car and reached over to grab my tote bag and bursa when I screamed. Sitting in the middle of Jessica's backseat was a little girl, but she wasn't very ordinary. She was dead. Blood stained her hair and covered her faded pink morning dress. There were five different markings along her arms and legs. Then her eyes opened and looked at me, they were white and blank. Staring she spoke to me. "Something's coming, it's bad. Please come and save me, save us all." I shut my eyes and when I opened them she was gone, nothing was there.
"Missy what's wrong?" Jess asked leaning her head in the drivers side.
"Uh... nothing, I'm fine."
I looked back one more time trying to shake the image from my head. It didn't help, she was there again looking at me. Well... it felt as if she was looking through me, trying to glimpse my soul. I shivered and looked away.
"So I was thinking of asking Kristel out tonight to go to Mathew's party." Jordan was telling Clarissa as Jess and I walked up to them.
"Really, well I think you should ask..."
Clarissa stopped talking as we approached. Ignoring us she wen't on, "You should ask out Maranda."
"I thought Miranda was dating some guy named Anthony?' I asked Clarissa as I dug through my bursa for some lip gloss.
"You're right, sorry," Clarissa looked at Jordan, "Maybe you should just ask out Kristel."
The first bell rang and we all scattered to get to homeroom in time.
*****
"Hey Missy, how are you feeling, it must be hard to live in your house."
I looked up to see Mathew standing over me. He had his hands in his pockets and was looking at me with sorrow filled eyes.
"It's fine, I still miss Dominic, but you know it's in the past." I replied trying not to let my tears show.
"I'm really sorry, hey so I was wondering if you would like to come to a party tonight."
"I'm sorry I can't." I knew I had tolled Jessica that i'd think about it, but the event that happened with the little girl had drained me and I just wanted to go home.
"Well that's so bad..."
Mathew was cut off by the teacher as she called everyone to take there sets. Shooting me one last glance he walked to his desk and took out a notebook, highlighter and a pencil. Such a nerd. I thought to my self as I grabbed a notebook myself and started to doodle, drowning out the lecture we were given. At the end of class I was startled with what I saw. I drew that girl, but instead of her being dead she was alive, and somehow I knew her.
Then I realized that she was the little girl that I had read about four months ago in the newspaper. Her name was Lauren and she was only 10 years old when she died. Her parents had gone away for the night leaving Lauren with a babysitter, when they came back everything seemed fine. They paid the babysitter and went upstairs to say good night to Lauren, that's when they found her body. She was laying on her floor with odd markings all over her body. They almost seemed like tattoos. The picture in the paper was clear and you can see that they really were cuts, so deep they were the cause of death.
I pushed it all to the back of mind trying to focus in on our lecture. Turning my head I let out another blood curdling scream and jumped as I saw Lauren sitting next to me. She turned her head and smiled saying, "Don't ignore my warning Missy, you are apart of this. Something's coming." I started shivering, it felt as if thousands of little spiders were crawling all over me. I started to panic as Lauren stood and reached her hand out to me, shrinking against the wall I started crying so loud it drowned out every other sound. "Come with me Missy and together we will overcome this nightmare, we've been waiting for you." My arm burned when Lauren's hand touched me. Her skin was unusually soft and I could see the markings streached across her palm. They were cold. Almost like ice. My voice felt stuck in my throat and I just couldn't scream anymore. "Please you have to come." I never replied , just as quickly as she appeared she disappeared. Mathew was holding my shoulders, shaking me.
"Missy, Missy snap out of it." He was screaming into my face.
I could hear the shouts of other people, all frightened and wondering what was going on. Mathew kept shaking my shoulders and I looked into his eyes, inside of them I saw my own reflected back, they were white and cloudy. Then they became normal, back to my silver-blue color. I was finally able to reply.
"I... I'm fine, its nothing." I looked behind Mathew's shoulder shaking my head.
"Really. It seemed like something, you wouldn't respond to me for about five minutes and you kept screaming."
I could tell I was still shaking when Mathew pulled me into his arms, and started to whisper into my ear.
"Missy, your ok just tell me what happened."
"I don't know how to explain, you won't believe me."
"Of course I will, just tell me."
Tears streamed down my face and I thought of telling him. No I couldn't he would think I was crazy. Shaking my head again I shut myself down, letting him lead me out of class and to his car, ready to drive me home. The principle had come while I was crying and released me.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey there.
I like how you tried to put horror elements into this. It could work. I'm actually, as a reader, immensely interested to know more about Lauren. I like how she shows up in the class beside her. If executed right, that part would be scary as hell.
I usually don't like reading chunks of song lyrics. Referring to a particular song is perfectly fine, I do that all the time, but posting the whole song down doesn't work all the time. I don't think you needed to do that here.
You haven't explicitly laid out the format this chapter's written, so I'm still reading it as a Dairy entry, and surely a person jotting down what happened to her won't comment on how she was rolling her eyes when she was saying something to her friend. I mean she could, but it doesn't compute. At least that's what I think. You don't really tell us anything about the characters. As it's supposed to be a diary entry, you can take the liberty of describing how Missy feels about those characters, about Mathew or Jessica, and not how they actually are.
It'll help create a depth in the story that will make it more interesting.
This piece seems like it's been rushed. There's actually a part where you type: "I knew I had tolled Jessica that i'd think about it". These aren't errors you need help with. They are 'first draft errors'. You need to filter these out through revisions.
Mathew doesn't seem to really have any qualities that are interesting. He's the typical nice guy from YA novels. Work on him. Work on your punctuation. Keep writing.
Un.
Hello there! Happy review day!
I know I haven't reviewed the first chapter but I understood enough to gain some context and here I am to leave a review on this one.
This was really interesting. It started off slow, typical day, drive with a friend, headed to school, boyfriend talk, etc., etc., and then the shoe drops. There's a dead girl in the backseat. I was mind-blown. As soon as I read that, I was so intrigued to know more about this whole situation and it was described so well that I could picture the entire scene in my head. Way to go there!
There's obviously some huge event that's going to strike them. I am so intrigued and anticipating a real thriller of a story here!
Wow, so the little girl died of numerous deep cuts. Did they ever find out how she got those injuries? Was it the babysitter? Is there an investigation going on into the matter? Ooh, maybe there's a serial killer on the loose whom no one's able to track down and only Missy is going to know what's going on! Okay, that's just a guess but am I close?
I really like the plot you've going on here and it's definitely provoking my curiosity. However, there are numerous grammatical errors which, if cleaned up, would make this chapter flow even better and a lot more powerful. I'm going to list down a few to just give you a hint.
There's an "I" missing in the very beginning of the first sentence.
It should be "there" and not "their."
There's a period missing at the end of this sentence.
"tonight" is one word.
There's a misplaced apostrophe there.
I think you mean "seats" and not "sets".
"Principal" not "principle."
Well, you catch my drift. I don't want to list everything down here. They're all minor errors but they're in multiple places so they kind of interrupt the flow while reading. I'm open to discussing this with you further or even beta'ing your piece if you'd like, so leave me a message or post on my wall if you want.
Overall, this was a really nice attempt. I'm really interested to know what happens so please do let me know when you post up the next chapter!
thank you, and yeah I thought that there was going to be a lot of errors. The author note in chapter one explained that I wrote this back in 2009 and started thinking about it again. But no worries you didn't know bout that, thank you so much for you help, I really appreciated it.
Hey myjaspercat! CHRISSY321 here with a review!
*Happy Review Day!*
Okay now, this was a great continuance of the previous work! It explained more, but raised even more questions! This was great, and made you wonder the whole time why she kept seeing the little dead girl. The way there were all the description, and the way she draws her without realizing it, and figures out who she is. It is creepy when she is seeing Lauren, and Lauren is talking and touching her. This was great, and gave the reader some suspense! The way that it made it not all about her brother's passing was a little weird, but understandable.
One thing I did like was the way everything was normal, them BAM- dead girl vision! Haha!
The last thing is that I like how you took the time to come up with (or use actual song lyrics) in the beginning of the story when the two girls are singing in the car! That was cool, and gave the story a little more detail.
There is one minor fix I saw in here, and that was one of the dialogues right here:
" Clarissa stopped talking as we approached. Ignoring us she wen't on, "You should ask out Maranda." "
There is not supposed to be a (') in 'went'. That was the only thing I saw to fix!
Overall, this was great, and I am proud! Hope to hear more! Yeah! Keep Writing!
thank you glad you like it, I am working on getting it revised and even better.
That is great!