Young Writers Society

I would not suggest mentioning you drink it. If you mention you drink it too it will hurt your case. Don't lie, but don't mention that you do either.

Also a lot of your speech isn't accurate. Soda in school has absolutely nothing to do with child obesity. That's completely the parents fault, not the schools. Parents who just let there kids sit in front of a tv or computer screen all day are the ones who have fatter children. While parents who get their kids to go out and exercise not letting them sit in front of a screen all day have thinner children. A single can or bottle of soda has only an average of 197 calories each serving depending on what you choose to drink and if it's a can or bottle.

Parents are 90% of the problem, and I would strongly emphasize that and provide details. Parents letting there kids sit in front of a screen will be where 85% of any schools obese kids come from. While only 15% are overweight for reasons parents aren't responsible for.

It comes down to how good a parent the child has, how long they sit around inside at home, and what they eat at home. 90% of what a student eats will be at home, meaning all the calories carbs and fat making children obese is because parents don't moderate how much junk they eat at home.

A kid who eats nothing but junk food even in their mid or late teens should have their phone and games and such taken away until they make better choices. Parents should go about non violence disciplinary action to get their children to properly exercise.

I have taken care of my baby sister every weekend since I graduated. She drinks a lot of soda just like I do. She is a hard core gamer just like me. She watches lots of anime just like me, we both eat lots of junk. But she balances it by properly exercising and eating healthy during meals. Because she knows me and mom wouldn't let her do any of that otherwise. Now she does it on her own without that rule being enforced.

A parent who lets their kid do whatever they want when they want will have a obese child 99.9% of the time. And a parent who is a dumbass and abuses their child is another cause.

I did a similar speech for my school once. Facts alone won't convince anyone. Bring in an obese student with parents who let them do as they want, ask them a couple questions to emphasize that freedom is bad. Then bring up a physically fit student who wants the machines kept, and plays video games. But prefers exercise over gaming, and has parents that are more strict. Then ask questions to show how his/her decision making is better. It will show proof on how parents are the biggest part of the problem, not the vending machines.

Personally, my high school didn't have any vending machines. Not even the teachers lounge had any. Same with my middle school and elementary school, yet 90% of our student body was at least mildly obese every year. And most of them were at least 50+ pounds over.

This is an interesting argument. I'm sorry to be unable to relate though since in my school, the canteen and cooperation site don't sell carbonated drink as much as they do can drink (direct translation from my native language, hopefully you understand what I mean) but I agree with your point in that soda drink isn't the major cause if obesity.

Since you are aiming to have your school's soda machines to stay, I hope you can be more strict about the issue. Express more on why the machine has to stay, and object more the reasons it need to be removed from the school's compound. I feel like you can be more argumentative in here.

In your fourth paragraph, I'm sure you've meant something else along the line "Now I say we not because I think everyone is unhealthy and needs exercise but because we are all students and banning soda wouldn’t only affect those who buy it everyday but would affect those who would want to buy it later". I'm not sure how to fix it but I hope you can rephrase it to make the message here comprehensible.

That's all for my review now. I think you have done a good job in making your speech a coherent and cohesive one. You just need to put a bit more of argumentative vibe in it, if you know what I mean. Be more strict and authoritative, I guess. Keep up the good job.

I liked your argument. I reread my older sister's reports, and her lack of transition words will someday be the death of me. Congrats, you did do that. I did see a few very minor mistakes, or things I would've changed, to be more precise.

One: I would have spelt out 'years' and 'minutes' instead of shortening them.

Two: You capitalized 'schools' in the first paragraph. A common and simple mistake, one anyone could make. I apologize, but I'm a weirdo when it comes to this.

Three: I would've put brackets where you put a few parentheses, and I would have added a few commas to avoid confusion in some of your paragraphs.

Overall, I really enjoyed your piece, and even though the things I pointed out were minor, they really help in the long run. Thanks, and continue writing!