A/N: So I'm pretty sure I haven't posted any of this novel yet so here it goes... Also I know the whole zombie thing is not starting to get a bit over used but if you know anything about me, I like to try and find original ways of creating things so yeah. Feel free to tear apart since this is an unedited first draft---Myjaspercat
The icy autumn wind rustled the leaves that lay scattered about the floor of the old baptist church. The only source of heat that barley covered the cast empty space came from a single, battery ran, portable heater. Thunder rumbled in the distance, and lightning lit the sky in quick bursts of electricity. Quietly the heater continued to hum softly, emitting as much warmth as its drained body possibly could. It wasn't going to run much longer. Softly, the double swing doors that led to the back of the church squeaked on their hinges. A small blonde walked into the main worship hall and dragged her tired frame to the closest pew, plopping down and sucking in a huge breath. It was late, she could tell by the absence of light, however without electricity she wouldn't be able to tell how late. Her entire body hurt and rest was such a gift. Another deep breath and she closed her eyes, cupping her hands under her head . The storm raging outside was relaxing. It gave her something to focus on.
Suddenly, the front doors flung open with a loud bang. Startled the young girl shot up, throwing her hand to her side where she gripped the hilt of her knife. One foot over the other, she slinked from the pew and shuffled to the doors, trying her hardest not to make a sound. A quick glance outside, that would be all, then she'd close the door.
"Alyssa! What do you think you are doing? Get away from there!" Another older, yet similar blonde ran to the front and grabbed the young girl by the shoulders. She shoved Alyssa behind herself then reached for the flapping doors, pulling them closed. "Grab the chairs over there and bring it to me please." Silence. "Alyssa now! You need to help me block these doors so they don't fly open again."
Rolling her eyes, Alyssa did as she was told, handing a couple of metal chairs to the other girl then, leaned her weight against them. Panting, they looked at each other. "What did I tell you about going outside or even being near an open door."
"I'm sorry OK, the storm blew them open and I was just curious alright. I would have closed them eventually."
"Alyssa, you don't understand, eventually is too late. You can't make any stupid mistakes like that again. If they got in here and I wasn't with you then it would be over. Do you understand me?" The older girl started to raise her voice, slapping her knee with the last remark.
"I'm not a stupid little kid anymore Amanda, of course I understand the risks. I'm just so sick of being holed up everyday. I want a little freedom, is that too much?"
Standing up, Alyssa shot her sister a glance of impatience and proceeded to stalk off, slinking back to the pew she laid upon not but a few minutes before.
"I'm sorry OK. I don't mean to smother you but I don't want you to end up like...Well you know. Lyssa you are all I have left and if I lost you too then I don't know what I would do with myself. No one can really be alone in this kind of world, it's not healthy. Not right."
Sighing Alyssa stopped, turned around and looked back at her sister who now stood, tears balled in the corner of her eyes. "I understand OK, but I'm not that ten-year-old naive child anymore, I'm sixteen. I think I can understand how to take care of myself." The two girls closed the gap between them and grabbed one another tightly, holding each other close.
They stood that way limbs and torso's tangled up for a few seconds, until another large gust of wind brought the few metal chairs toppling over and the doors flying open again. A loud, sharp snarl sounded from right outside the porch and the familiar shuffle of feet along pavement filled their ears. Startled the sisters stood clutching one another, watching the gaping abyss into the outside world They waited as the shuffling turned to thumping as the thing made its way up the few steps and into the entrance of the church.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey Myjaspercat,
I love that you are trying to approach the zombie genre in a new way, that is definitely commendable. With this first part, we definitely get the sense that we're in for an action-packed ride, however, I am a little disappointed in that we're introduced to two characters here - Amanda and Alyssa, but we don't really have much of a sense of them.
I see that they each have blonde hair and that they are sisters and fight as sisters might, I am also intrigued that it seems they have lost a family member or two and I can't wait to find out more about why and how that happened. There is a sense of conflict that is being developed with the younger sister Alyssa feeling cooped up and overprotected in this world and wishing she had more independence and freedom. However, even that conflict seemed a little rushed with very little leading up to it.
On one hand, it was nice to start right at the action! On the other hand, I wanted to get to know Alyssa a little more, what is she like as a character? Is she brave/adventurous/shy/smart? It would've been nice to have her interacting with her sister that is not plot-related.
My suggestion, maybe slow the pace in the beginning down a little bit and introduce us to this character a bit more because right now, I'm having a hard time caring too much about what will happen to them if I don't first get to know them.
I hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
This prologue is very interesting and you have succeeded in bringing a new taste to characters, who are trapped in a ended world. However, I must say that there are little parts that I had a difficult time understand. An example would be with Alyssa (I believe that's her name, right?), the only problem was that I didn't realize that she was attempting or thinking about going outside. I suggest maybe give her some character thoughts or something that would let the reader know that she was planning to go outside. But the way you portrayed the sisterly bond was good, that you can feel the older sister's worry and fear. One of the things that I did really like was the way you described the setting, it really painted an image in my head and you used diction that slipped off the tongue. Besides the unclear wording and small parts, I really enjoyed this part and hope you would create more.
Oh, how I've missed a good old zombie story. I'm interested in seeing what you can bring to the table, but I'm not afraid to tell you that the topic of zombie stories have been done before, countless of times, and it really is difficult to find anything original or entertaining out of it. But I'd like to think that the zombie genre isn't really about the zombies themselves, but the survival from the zombies--how the main characters bond and all that jazz. So if you have a good cast of characters with interesting reactions to the apocalypse, I think you'll be right on track.
Anyway, how did you begin? Well, I'd say it was a very good beginning! You introduced the main character gradually and did the smart move of having her be with one of her closest relatives as well (I'm not sure if Amanda's going to live for very long, though, because you know how prevalent main character familial deaths are), while also introducing a good conflict. I think you may have resolved it a little too quickly, but that's fine, because it might come up later on. If I had a complaint, it's that in one line of dialogue:
I could imagine all sorts of things happening here. Like, before she starts saying it, she sighs in my mind. And then during the pause she looks down at her hands or something that reminds her of someone who may have turned and then she continues, sadly. And then when she finally reaches "Lyssa, you are all I have left" she leans in to hold Alyssa's hands closely, trying to look her in the eye. But you don't say if any of that happens here. I think actions like these could easily amp the dramaticism of the moment, and it would really help the readers understand what's going on with these characters.
Spoiler
That's all I have on the plot part. I'll continue onto some mistakes and we'll wrap things up for the next part.
Please capitalize words like Baptist, Christian, etc..
That's 'barely', not 'barley'.
Please end this question in a question mark.
Flew, not flying. Past tense.
Signing out,
--EM.
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
This sentence was a bit clunky. I'd take out the "cast" and at least one of these "single" "battery run" "portable" It will make the sentence flow more easily.Nit-picks
Grammar and Punctuation
Instead of "barley" I think you meant to say "barely".
There should be a comma between the first and second word.
Same here.
there needs to be a question mark at the end of this sentence.
"everyday" needs to be two words.
There shouldn't be a comma with "torso's".
There needs to be a full stop between "world" and "They".
Overall thoughts
I don't have much information from this chapter since it's fairly short, but it sounds like it's going to be quite an interesting story. Some of the sentences are a little jerky, but the best way to fix that is to go through and read it aloud. You'll find that you'll want to say some words and not like saying other words. You might even find that you want to say a completely different word than that written down.
You could also include a bit more description of the church. Does it have great stained glass windows? Are these windows cracked? You know, stuff like that.
Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.