Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
His fingers explored her body, hovering very slightly up and down her naked skin until they stopped above her trembling stomach. Without breaking eye contact, he leaned forward and kissed her, with soft little kisses that made the hair on the back of her neck stand at attention. A chill ran down her spine and she arched her back from the cold pressing her self against the rough fabric of his jeans. He smiled, happy to know that he got some form of reaction out of her. It was easy, he knew it, and women only really wanted one thing. His kisses started to travel north, moving ever so slightly up her front until his lips locked with her left nipple. There he rested, flicking his tongue back and forth.
Oddly, I don't know if I want to continue this scene or where to go from here if I do. Warning; this will be a more 'adult' book so yeah. Suggestions welcome!
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey there mem here to review your work.
Im going to jump in and review this for you.
Im a 17 year old young adult, So in ways I'm mature and others I'm immature. For me this scene is a bunch of ew dont go there but that's also because I dont know the story before this. (I'm really hoping that they're married or engaged at least) To read something so graphic and just it on it's own is not easy on the mind. I see you said that it's for a more "Adult" book but keep in mind some younger readers might not take into account the more mature parts so I would say to tone down the graphic sex scenes like this and try to be a censored as possible on the off chance a younger reader accidentally runs across this.
Also if you plan on writing more than two scenes like this as Maddie and Kevin have stated below I think a better place for this is an entirely 18+ site because as Maddie said this is a site for mainly minors.
~Mem
thank you, and I don't hope I didn't offended anyone. Actually since everyone is concerned, I'm going to throw out a spoiler (the man, kills her) um, if you read part one then I think it should kind of show you what I mean. But yeah, this is probably going to be one of the only sex scenes. (There might be one or two more) but it's more of 'adult' because of violence and gore. Anyways thank you for the advice.
Hi, I'm Maddie and I'll be reviewing your work.
When you say more 'adult' I thought you meant something like more blood or gory details, even if you didn't tag for violence. Stupid move, Maddie.
Well, I'm not just going to stand here and lament over it. Onto the review! (Oh the things I do for Review Day...)
I agree with Kevin below. If you're writing just plain erotica, look onto other sites for reference. I'm not old enough obviously, but I do hope I can review like a mature person.
Heh. This seems rather romantic. It's actually kind of cute. Provided, I would have liked to see more context because sex out of the blue is a bit jarring, but you know, I can wait. Start with something before they started getting all steamy. A conversation maybe? If you would just do that, we'd be free to skim if we wanted and still have something to review on. (I'm failing to keep mature. The eroticism is making my eyes melt.)
So, if you're writing PWP, I don't think YWS will be the best place to go. We'll have no familiarity with your characters, and the majority of us are minors.
I think I can point you to Scribophile, though. It's an 18+ website that will likely accept your erotica.
But if you are writing something with a story and maybe one or two scenes of "the nasty," then you're probably all fine to coninue posting here. It'll be much nicer too.
I just wanted to point that out, really.
Now. Your description is actually quite nice. Not overly pleasant because I'm getting images, but it's certainly nice to know what's going on instead of having an infordump or something in there.
There's no dialogue for me to critique or anything, and those usually make up a good amount of the review, so I think I'm done here.
A major point that I wanted to address, and most definitely did, was whether or not YWS was the right spot for this book.
Keep Writing!
Maddie out!
Thank you for your review, and actually my book isn't really erotica. The basics is that it is a crime fiction and that the 'killer' goes after more of the easier targets (you know how they say 'someone people wont miss) anyways, after I posted this I started to have doubts since this comes from the late beginning. Anyways thanks.
It depends on if you want a plot outside the sex of an adult novel or want to write crap like fifty shades of grey where it's all about sex. If you want to write something purely sex based, I recommend reading some stories from literotica. I only recommend it because you're old enough to use the site, since its for stories purely sexual.
If you want a plot outside sex then my advice would be significantly different. But I still recommend that site for learning to write an adult scene if you become unsure.
Literotica is a site that shortened it's original site name, literature erotica. I don't recommend using a username you use anywhere else though.
thank you for that, and what I am think about for the story is something kinda like 'jack the ripper' where he kills you know hookers and all but I want to make it more original. So ya, I hope that makes sense.
As much as it can to someone who has never read that story, although I knew the general plot of jack the ripper.
I would have capitalized 'piece' in the title. Although I think this is a tease, I would have liked to see some description of the man. I will praise you, because I want to read more about these characters. The way you expressed their actions was well-defined. Bravo. All in all, I thought the scene was decent.
Thank you, I'm still trying to figure out a way to interpret this into the actual novel so I'm glad for your thoughts.