People of the Shadow (prologue)

What an intense prologue! This certainly persuades me to read the full story when it comes out! You certainly know how to write, my dear!

You immediately suck the readers in by using sentences such as:
"The sudden howl of a police dog cuts through the desert silence sending chills running down her spine."

These sentences are descriptive and make me see what the main character is seeing. "The desert silence" helps me envision the surroundings as well.

" . . . bends over and gasps for air. They were right behind and she has no time waste. One last gasp that's all she needs."

This, again intrigues me and makes me want to keep reading. You have a knack for phrasing.

"Fingers uncurl from metal. Air catches clothing and carries her for a few seconds until she starts to fall. Down. Down. Down. Not long before the hard slap of icy liquid englufs her. Carries her in it's arms and then drags her under. All light fades away, nothing but pure emptyness. All sounds muffled."

Sections like these allow me to see what is happening, and are very pleasing to read. Really works of art!


However, this part made me a little confused:

"One foot right in front of the other, never look back. Hands on the railing, pull up, swing one leg over and then the next. Arms twisted back, lean over, feel the rush of wind incage her. Thirty feet below water swirls as it passes under the Alameda bridge and comes out the other side."

Simply because I had to envision the surroundings more by myself in the beginning, but you recover and help with the last sentence.


I was confused by this:

"He ducked underneath the branches of willow tree and made his way down to the river bank."

If they were that old, how did they move more quickly than a girl that is young and fit? Perhaps that will be revealed as the story develops?
------------------------
OKAY!
Now onto the grammar/spelling stuff!

"She's come by this way, the dog's can smell her. Probably headin for the river."
(Dog's does not need to be possessive. The correct form is "dogs.")


"It's to crowded here, they wouldn't continue the hunt for fear of getting caught."
(Wrong form of "to." The correct form it "too.")


"She pleaded, tears whelling in the corners of her eyes."
(Whelling is not a word. I think you meant "welling"?)


"I will never alow you to use me the way you used the others."She whispered looking back towards the water.
(Please put a space between the period after others and the quotation mark before she.)


"All light fades away, nothing but pure emptyness."
(Emptyness is not a word. Replace it with "emptiness.")

"Let's take her back to the house fore she catch cold."
("fore" should be "before.")

That's it! I tore it apart like you asked! I would absolutely LOVE to read the story though! AMAZING JOB!
<3

Read the review above, sorry, posted as a comment by accident <3.

(Cracks knuckles and neck)
Alright, at your request, I'm gonna tear this to shreds.


(Clears throat)

1: 'Feet hit the wet pavement with a slap, slap, slap. Blonde curls bounce back and forth, back and forth. With one quick glance behind she stops, bends over and gasps for air. They were right behind and she has no time waste. One last gasp that's all she needs. Hands over thighs, push up and off she goes again. The sudden howl of a police dog cuts through the desert silence sending chills running down her spine.'
1.1: Question: this is a desert....... Why is the pavement wet, then? Does it rain in the desert? Or was that figurative speech?
1.2: There could be a bit more description here, too. Where is she anyway? What does the area look like? What does the dog sound like? Did it pierce the silence or stand out in a tidal wave of noises?
1.3: If they were RIGHT behind her, wouldn't she already have been caught?

2: '"She's come by this way, the dog's can smell her. Probably headin for the river."'
2.1: 'Headin' should have an apostrophe at the end of it. (Headin')
2.2: I'm just guessing that a police person said that. What did she or he sound like?
2.3: How far away are they, anyway? I'm imagining them searching a forest that your main character has just escaped from.
2.4: This is probably a really stupid question, but how do they know that the dog can smell her?
2.5: Oh. There's a river now.

3: 'She picks up the pace as she skids around the corner only to stop just in time to feel the rush of air pass by from a speeding car. It's to crowded here, they wouldn't continue the hunt for fear of getting caught. She slows to a fast walk in hopes of blending in. Around her car horns blare, people speed past and the sound of some rapper drifts from behind a car door. Up ahead the soft yellow blinking of a stop light beckons her forward, calling her to safety.'
3.1: What sort of corner has she rounded?
3.2: You could use some more description. What does the area look like? Are there crowds of people? Has se just entered this new area? Or has she always been there? If there are crowds of people, why are they crowding? Id there some sort of party? A festival? Where is that river that you mentioned?
3.3: Where is she, anyway?
3.4: So the police people are hunting her. Can they see her where she is? I'd imagine that they could.
3.5: How could she slow to a fast walk if she stopped?
3.6: What is everyone else doing while she's fast-walking? They could be watching a juggler or eating at a café. Waiting in line at a food truck or listening to that rapper.
3.7: What does the rap music sound like. You could just use one word to describe it. Is it harsh? Light? Happy? Intense?
3.8: So there are cars now?
3.9: So is he on the sidewalk or the road......?
3.10: I'd think that the road would be blocked off if there were this many people.
3.11: Why is there a yellow light? Where is it coming from? Heaven? Is she an angel?

4: '"There she is!" A young man stands apart from the crowd pointing towards the blonde haired cast away. He stood like an old man; back hunched and knees kinda buckled. A black hooodie cast a shadow on his face giving his glare a creepy kind of look. There was something different about him, something that showed how different he really was from the rest of them.'
4.1: Where is she now?!
4.2: How did she get there? Bus? Walking? The light?
4.3: What's the area around her like? Is it filled with people? Is it a concert?
4.4: 'Cast away' is one word.
4.5: So....... Was she on a boat or something? Did she get rejected by her peers?
4.6: He's a young man, but then you mention that he has the posture of an old one. This could get confusing to someone who is reading quickly (I even thought he was an old man). Maybe you could put 'he stands like someone who was older: back hunched and knees kind of buckled.'
4.7: There probably shouldn't be a semicolon after 'old man'; a colon would suffice.
4.8: You've spelled hoodie with three o's.
4.9: You can use 'kinda' with dialogue, but not the actual story. 'Kind of' would be better.
4.10: You've switched a bit to past tens here. If I am not mistaken, you're writing in present tense.

5: 'Hands on the railing, pull up, swing one leg over and then the next. Arms twisted back, lean over, feel the rush of wind incage her. Thirty feet below water swirls as it passes under the Alameda bridge and comes out the other side. Heart beats against chest, fast and loud, fast and loud.'
5.1: This part was right after a thought and I really thought that she was thinking that. It would have been cool, but it's fine as no thought. You should probably have this as a new paragraph, though.
5.2: So there's a bridge now.......? Ok, where is she?
5.3: I don't know what tense to call your first sentence, but it's not in present tense.
5.4: The review box is telling me that 'incage' isn't a word. I, on the other hand, believe it is. (Right-clicks the word) It is a word! Yaaay! But, it is spelled 'encage'.
5.5:There should e a comma after 'thirty feet below'.
5.6: Repeating 'fast and loud' twice might not be necessary.
5.7: You do need a bit more description here. Where is she??????????!

6:'"Hey, what the hell do you fucking think you're doing there."'
6.1: This is a question. There should be a question mark at the end of the line.

7: 'She turns her head, an older man pushes his way through the crowd and takes a step towards her. "Get the hell away from me."'
7.1: I don't think that the older man said that. So, the line should be on a paragraph of it's own.
7.2: You should describe what he looks like. 'Older man' isn't enough.

8: 'The others step forwards as well, all except the one who originally pointed her out. No, he stepped to the side as they all stepped forwards. He ducked underneath the branches of willow tree and made his way down to the river bank. Eyes peered through the canopy of leaves, watching her, begging her not to.'
8.1: 'Forwards' is fine as just fine as 'forward'.
8.2: Here's the river again! How far away is it? Where are we???????

Heh. I'm starting to get the feeling that you know something I don't know.

9: '"Please. Leave me alone." She pleaded, tears whelling in the corners of her eyes. '
9.1: There should be a comma at the end of her line.
9.2: 'She' should be a lowercase word.

10: '"I'm sorry dear but we cant well do that. Now either you step over that railing now or I'll pull you over. Your choice. " All the kindness that could have been there is gone now, replaced by utter darkness. He moved closer, taking larger steps, reaching towards her.'
10.1: 'Cant' is misspelled. It should be " can't ".
10.2: I truly am confused as to where the location of the story is. Since when did we get on a bridge?
10.3: (Relived sigh) Ah..... Description.......
10.4: How far away is he?

11: '"I will never alow you to use me the way you used the others."She whispered looking back towards the water.'
11.1: There is no space before the first 'she'.
11.2: 'She' is a lowercase word.
11.3: You've gone back to past tense with 'whispered'! You should stick with your tenses.
11.4: 'Alow' has two l's.
11.5: There should be a comma after her line.
11.6: there should also be a comma after 'whispered'.

12: 'Fingers uncurl from metal. Air catches clothing and carries her for a few seconds until she starts to fall. Down. Down. Down. Not long before the hard slap of icy liquid englufs her. Carries her in it's arms and then drags her under. All light fades away, nothing but pure emptyness. All sounds muffled. Suddenly the harsh beam of a flashlight cuts through the murkey river. And she smiles, laughs and lets water fills her lungs. She chokes, coughs and more water fills her throat. She starts to scream from the inside out as her mind starts to shut down. Fingers go numb. Eyes grow heavy, until they slowly shut, and her mind is at peace...'
12.1 to 12.12:
This review is getting super long (is there a record for the longest review ever written?), so I'm, going to copy down the paragraph with all of the changes:

'Fingers uncurl from metal. Air catches clothing and carries her for a few seconds until she starts to fall. Down. Down. Down. It is not long before the hard slap of icy liquid engulfs her. it carries her in its arms and then drags her under. All light fades away, nothing but pure emptiness. All sounds muffled. Suddenly, a harsh beam of a flashlight cuts through the murky river. She smiles, laughs, and lets water fills her lungs. She chokes, coughs, and more water fills her throat. She starts to scream from the inside out as her mind starts to shut down. Fingers go numb. Eyes grow heavy until they slowly shut, and her mind is at peace...

12.13: I'm also really confused as to what you mean by 'She starts to scream from the inside out as her mind starts to shut down.'
12.14: Description!!!!! Ha ha!!!!!!!
12.15: Isn't this supposed to be a desert?


(Closes eyes because I am tired from the long review. It is the longest one I have ever written.)
Wow, this is long. I hope this wasn't too much! I wonder what the word count is.
Anyway, I have inspected, picked, shredded, dissected, combined with argon, shredded again, blended, replayed, turned upside down, turned inside out, served as desert to my friend, ripped apart, shredded again, put back together with tape, given to my cats for lunch, blew in the wind, given to the mist spirits, shredded again, cut with safety scissors, and traded your story online for ununtrium.
It was worth it.

Hi. This is my first review so I'm not sure if it will be any good. But I'll try. It's a really good start. I want to read more definitely. As far as I can tell there's little next to no mistakes. Theirs one punctuation mistake where you wrote '"Hey, what the hell do you fucking think you're doing there."'. I'm pretty sure that should be a question mark. Also I'm not sure if this was done on purpose so sorry if it was but there's no spaces here, making it a little difficult to read,'It'stocrowdedhere, they wouldn'tcontinuethehuntforfearofgettingcaught.'.

Overall I think it's great. And I hope you publish more of it on here. I hope this was helpful.