She came to me with swollen bellies crying "mama said I swallowed a pumpkin seed"
and orange hands shakily held fallen leaves,
Like bare feet that slowly tiptoed upon us-
she came softly with cold embraces that rained somber laughter,
tired breaths on shaky lungs here after.
her name tasted like sacred hieroglyphs that made my virgin sinner tongue bleed
Autumn, was a lost queen.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey there!
First off, this is a lovely poem and I absolutely adore the imagery and personification you have included. I'm a big fan of short poems because of the impact they can give with such a short amount of words. I also love the way you have styled this poem. It's aesthetically pleasing and I feel that it helped with the flow of the poem in a way, because it was easy to read while still remaining personalized and styled.
With that said, the poem itself is very good and I don't really have a lot to nitpick. For the first line, I think that you should change it from "bellies" to "belly", since we are just talking about one person here and not multiple people. For the last line, I would remove the comma because I feel that it gives an unnecessary pause, and since that last line is so impactful, I feel that there's no need for a dramatic pause in the middle of it. I feel that it reads a lot better just straight through without any pause.
Other than that, the poem is just so lovely and I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing and I hope this review helped. xx
Woah. Hello there! This was a lot within a short amount. I was expecting more, honestly, but I kind of like it short
First, in the first line, "mama said I swallowed a pumpkin seed"... I think you should capitalize "mama" to give that individual meaning. Though mentioned once, that person had an effect on the "she". Also, would "bellies" be "belly" because she is a singular individual rather than say "they".
Next, I LOVE the second stanza. The language flowed beautifully and gave me shivers (which is really hard to do, FYI). I think you should have a comma instead of the dash. The comma extends the sentence and flow; the dash continues a thought. I think either a semi-colon or a dash should go after laughter, though, because while describing the same being with a different topic, it doesn't exactly feel part of the first description. I hope that made sense.
The last sentence was so powerful and I loved the introduction in the previous sentence with the allusion to hieroglyphs and the use of "virgin sinner" was a genius play on words!!
Love it! Keep writing!
Louisiana