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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hi Cailey! Nite again here for Christmas in July!
Now, I did look at your more recent stuff, but this doesn't have many reviews, which is a shame because it's my favorite of yours that I've read. It has some striking imagery that's pretty unique. I especially liked the last stanza.
Now some critiques:
Not crazy about the repetition of against, and I agree about "dashed" being an odd word. An alternate suggestion:
Shredded by jagged rocks
Tossed into the sea
The second and third stanzas say pretty much the same thing, plus some lines seem to over-state the message. I might consider condensing them to make it stronger. For example:
So sweet, so fragile
The feather disappears
I'd also cut the first two lines of the third stanza for being redundant.
A more general note: I think this piece needs punctuation. While it is the poet's choice, in most cases I think punctuating like prose makes the most sense. I also think it would help show the finality of the feather's destruction.
Overall, I really like this. It has some lovely imagery, but there is some over-stating of the message that could be condensed. Great job and keep writing!
Hi! I'll review your poem, as requested
I like your general idea of concentrating on a feather, it's a nice simple piece of work. I also liked the imagery you've described thouroughly well. This will be a short review as you've got a really nice poem here
I'd suggest though for the line;
"Dashed against the jagged rocks"
Dashed kind of corrupts the feel of the poem so i'd suggest maybe;
Shattered against the jagged rocks?
Also the "Yet" In the last stanza is not needed, you could just leave it as reduced to specks.
Overall great poem, keep it up
Infinity x
Thank you!!
I really could sense the mood through this piece, and I really liked the imagery. I wish the stanzas were more uniform in length though, it would make it feel less chunky when reading. So sad.