I am holding on
to the desperate sun-
watching clouds roll away
as the wind starts to sway.
The moon is a lamp
to this world so damp;
there is night coming quick,
and my heart feels sick
as I try to hold fast
with the sun as my cast,
hiding my wounds.
Still, the darkness comes soon
and the sky turns to black,
and I am waiting in the crack.
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138,059 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hello! I'm just going to break this down and write my thoughts.
So I understand that the sun is setting, but the next parts seem to be connected to the sun's desperation...
Why does the sun care if clouds roll away and the wind starts to sway? Nice rhyming, though, it sounds really whimsical.
I really like the idea of the moon being a lamp.
I'm just wondering, why does the sun hide her wounds? I'm sorry; this must have so many hidden meanings and I'm asking about everything. Ah well.
This last bit is really fantastic. Great imagery.
Lovely poem!
Hey Cailey! Writer here for a review
I really liked this poem. Like magpie said, you use lots of different imagery to construct such a piece, and I appreciate some of the images you use here. I definitely found myself visualizing all you wrote.
Two things here. First, your entire poem follows an AA rhyme scheme (I think I said that correctly >.<) but here, in these first two lines, you don't exactly follow it. Yes, it kind of sounds the same, but most of your poem has end lines that rhyme perfectly with one another. I suggest you fix that, maybe, in order to keep consistency with the rest of your poem. Also, this tiny dash that you've placed here kind of confuses me. What's the purpose of it? I felt it was kind of unnecessary there, but perhaps if you clarify, then I won't think that
I'm not sure I like the line lengths here...the rhythm kind of broke when I read these two lines.
I think mag mentioned this >.< but I'm confused too. Darkness and black mean the same thing here, so when you write this, it kind of puzzles me, because you're saying it's going to come soon and then BOOM it already turns black.
So these images are very good, but they all just kind of seem thrown in together without any connection. I'm not sure what you're trying to say here, but it definitely needs to become clearer when you make the connections with each of these images.
The last line was definitely was the best line, because it really, truly conveyed what you were feeling. I loved it!!
Anyway, just work on making everything connect, everything have a sincere purpose in this poem.
Keep writing! It's definitely a wonderful poem
Thank you for the great review!
I really admire this poem.
The rhyme really helps make it flow. I do not believe that if you did this as a vignette it would had the same quality.
This poem is also very creative. I love the part that says,
"As I try to hold fast,
with the sun as my cast,"
It is simply my favorite part.
I did not really understand the last line. What kind of "crack" are you standing on? A metaphorical one, maybe the crack between day and night, also known as twilight?
I really appreciated this poem.
keep up the good work.
Hello, Cailey!
This confused me a bit because I couldn't figure out if the dark was already there, as in the latter line, or coming. The tenses are a bit odd. You could say something like "and the sky will turn black" to alleviate the slight confusion.Poetry should be a mix of concrete and abstract, a way to illustrate something abstract with concrete things to the reader. I love that you've used so many images in your poem, but there needs to be some more connection between the images and the concept you're trying to illustrate (I gathered from your description that it's about how you feel).
There is an obvious need for the narrator to hold onto the sun, or the light, but I want to feel the desperation. Use stronger verbs to illustrate your point. For example, you could say "clinging" instead of holding in the first line, which conveys a sense of panic more than "holding on" does. Try replacing your verbs with stronger ones that are more indicative of emotion throughout the piece.
Some of your rhymes felt a little forced. I've never heard of wind swaying-- swaying is more of a back and forth motion than anything wind is capable of, and it feels as if you said that exclusively to rhyme with "away." I'd find two words for the end of those lines that rhyme, but make more sense.
The last line made the whole poem. It was the best line, and somehow, it conveyed the most emotion and desperation. Waiting for the darkness to come because resistance is useless. Gosh. Good line right there.
Altogether, I liked it, but it needs a little polishing. I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy poeting!
Thanks for the review!!