A saw a Poem

Hi there!

I really don't have much to say about this, but my comments are in red below:

Cailey wrote:I saw a poem today. Can you really only see a poem? Wouldn't you have to read it too?
My eyes wondered to the window,
And I saw an old man.
His back was bent,
the hair he had left was grey and thin,
he held a blue umbrella protectively over his head.
Great first stanza. I can tell that this poem is going to be focused around this old man. But I wonder if the poem the narrator saw will be mentioned again?

As I watched,
he stood motionless on the sidewalk,
almost as if waiting for something. I think this line sounds and flows better if you take out the word 'almost'.
However,
he made no move to stop the buses and taxis
zooming past him along the pothole filled road. Good imagery. I like the simplicity, how you just described the potholes in the road.

A few more minutes passed;
I discovered why he was waiting.
A little old lady came trudging up the sidewalk, This is just my opinion, but I think you should use a different word other than trudging. When I think of that word, I think of some depressed and down ridden teenager or adult, not an old lady. Again, this is just my opinion.
with her white hair tied neatly into a braid,
carrying a yellow umbrella like a shield. I absolutely love the imagery! Wow, I think that's about the third time I've said that already. That just goes to show how good it is!

Slowly, she made her way to the man.
When she reached him,
she hid under the shelter of his umbrella
and lowered her own.
The man wrapped his arm around her
and they continued walking
down the long sidewalk-
hand in hand Wait, didn't you just say the man wrapped his arm around the woman? You should pick one of the two and stick with it.
under his umbrella.
And, it wasn’t even raining.

Hey Cailey!!!

First off, You're title is wrong
It's "I saw a Poem". Maybe it was a mistake but just correcting.

Now, off to the poem ^^
The poem is so so so CUTE! n.n
Old people's romance is so decent and freaking adorable, and how you expressed the romance was just incredible!

Love it!
Giving it 10/10 xD

By the way, Follow me? *follows back!*

Keep Writing & Good Luck! :'D

Cheers and Regards,
Cookie or LM

Hey Cailey!!!
This is a pretty good poem. Can't say I hate it, so I love it!! Great job!! No nitpicks for this one... I love the ending!!

GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING, CAILEY!!!!


Lotsa Love,
I think best poem ever!!!

~Kat

This. Is. So. Freaking. Cute. n_n I really like the flow too, something others have mentioned, but they only said that because it's true. I like the way you didn't seem to try too hard. Very effortless. I like it. Contrary to the others though, I liked how it was broken up even though it was ultimately just a piece of prose. That's kind of the groovy thing about poetry, I think. It's whatever, and that's perfectly fine.

My favorite line would have to be the first though. Even though you're telling a story, you really let us in on the whole "beauty" of it by letting us know that what you saw was "a poem." It's an interesting way to think about just something you happened to see out the window. That's another reason why I think it's OK to regard this as poetry than prose.

The only thing I could suggest you change is "pothole filled road." I think there's just one too many syllables, or maybe it's just something about the sound. To me, the phrase literally feels too big. Yes, literally. XD What I think is that there's another description out there for "pothole-filled." I can't quite think of what you should put there, but I won't think about it too hard. That's up to you here. n_n

Anyway, lovely poem. I dig it.

This is so sweet! It's original, and it flows well.
The main thing that bothers me though is that it's a bit too informative to be a poem. Yes, poems must have enough info to makes sense and sound good, butt they should have an element of mystery, pauses they should bake you think a bit more about what comes next. I just felt like I read a short story, because the stanzas were kind of just like whole proper sentences broken up in poem format. Like I felt like I was reading a piece from a novel??
I hope I'm not being too harsh, but I think this would be better as a short story or something of the like
The content is wonderful, the format and how it's put together is what's bothersome.

But that's it really. It was really nice, no corrections from me

What an adorable poem!!! This is one of my favorite poems that I've read lately! It's really just absolutely adorable (excuse the redundancy, rather look at it as an emphasis ) ! To give you a bit of help on the structure and grammar, the introduction was good but I don't understand why you've said that you were reading a poem... I thought that maybe there would be some type of reference to a poem later on but there wasn't? If you could maybe pm me about that And then there's a line that says "zooming past him on the pothole filled road." I was thinking that maybe you should replace the word "on" with along? Anyways, I still absolutely adored this poem so well done xxx

Hii you! I've come to inflict my opinion on your poem! Hope I can help or.. say something meaningful at least xD

Oh my... This was so sweeeeet and cute and adorable! The rythm and flow was a bitt choppy but the content and story you're telling is just amazing! I loved the ending.. "And, it wasn't even raining." SO CUTE! I just have to ask, did you see this for real or something that made you come up with it or did it just pop in to your head?

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness