I write the stars into existence
with a flick of my hand
create their blinking eyes
watch them dance against the black paint
of this night sky
I write the sky
because I cannot stand the earth
I sit in a cave made of books
and tread lightly
head down
so they will not even know I breathe
I do not belong
in this earth of deep canyons
tearing through the desert of my heart
and I long to escape the flash floods
and crushing weight of rockslides
pushing me always further down
into the crevices of this dust
The furthest I can see from earth
is that white hole in the black sky
and all the twinkling little stars
who mock my cage
and laugh at gravity
With a flick of my hand
I write the stars into existence
and dream-
how this ink makes me dream-
that I, too, can one day
fly away.
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Canary word: Present
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129,465 Literary Works • 671,506 Reviews
Hiya!
I really like this poem and I can relate to its sentiments. c:
I too have an obsession with star poems and writing.
The thing about both of those things, however, is that they both come really close to being cliche. There were several spots in here that I personally thought were cliche, but I'm not going to point them out unless you ask me to, because I think it's important that you judge for yourself what is cliche.
I love the images in this, but I think the metaphors got a little convoluted in spots. Is the desert the earth or her heart? or both? Things like that.
I like the hopeful ending.
I think stanzas might make this a little more readable.
I really like the blinking eyes image, personally.
Keep up the good writing! Let me know if you need any help~
Hiya!
I really like this poem! It was simple, fairly short, but it left me with a feeling of freedom, or longing to stare at the stars in the night sky. . . Kinda makes me feel like a little kid again :3
I won't bank too much on your punctuation, as it isn't exactly a huge part of poetry and varies from writer to writer, but to me it seemed rather inconsistent. Some more commas here and there would help the reader feel more of the emotion the speaker was trying to present, making them pause or emphasize on certain words if you will. Just a small thing to keep in mind, you always want to try to see your work from the point of view of someone who has never read it, even in poetry!
Over all it was still really nice, and I hope this makes you improve a little bit, although there really isn't much that needs to be made! ^^ Ciao~
Thanks for the review! Punctuation will be added, just hadn't gotten to it in this draft.
Hello Caily,
Wow, this is a stunning poem! I love it, and the imagery is great. (now I want to write the stars into existence!)
Although this is free verse, I think that some punctuation might improve this piece, especially in the middle section. We only see a bit at the end, and I can see some places where my mind naturally wanted to have a comma or period.
I can also relate strongly to this, and I can imagine it quite precisely as I've been to the Grand Canyon recently. It makes you feel so small and trapped in the bottom of the world...
I congratulate you for such a wonderful piece of writing. Great job!
-Falco
Yup, I was definitely thinking this was in need of punctuation and probably a lot of change in general, but figured I would post a very rough draft first to hear thoughts. Thanks for the review!
This is the best, most relatable poem I have ever read. Good job, you can go far with talent like this. Never give up, that's my motto.