I have a bad habit of writing three or four poems every night when I'm trying to go to sleep. And a lot of them are just repetitive complaints to myself. Things along the lines of "I'm so tired, why am I so obsessed with words and why am I writing another poem?"
But I figured I would be generous and share one of the poems that's slightly different since I haven't posted anything except that little short poem in a while. So here goes: Love it, like it, review it, tear it apart.
Creature-- do you dare to dream?
You-- dirt, mud,
soiled flesh and blood--
how do you stand here,
eyes lifted in petition,
warm clay in your hands
morphed into... what?
An imitation.
If you dare to call it that.
You were-are-best of all He made,
and yet so flawed--
by your fault only, never His--
but immensely flawed all the same.
And yet here you stand,
waiting.
You ought to know by now,
you are nothing--
just creation--
and yet you dare to create?
What can you add to perfection
when all you touch
turns to ash?
Your creation-- no,
your imitation--
can add nothing.
And yet you dare to dream.
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I like the poem, but its kind of hard to follow. Especially the second stanza. But i like the line "And yet you dare to dream" a lot. It kinda feels like your challenging the creation or pushing it. Its actually kind of inspiring
. Keep it up.
Thank you!
Hello, here to review.
First of all, I would like to say that I liked this piece a lot.
However, I find it was a bit confusing and sometimes hard to follow. If I understand correctly, this is a dialogue between "You" and the creature, but I wasn't sure who was talking all the time. Maybe you could take off some of the hyphens, but if that is your style or you find important to keep it, keep it. Still, that is the main reason that I felt the story lost its flow at times.
As strange as it may seem at first though, I start to understand it and like it very much. So keep up the good work.
Congrats!
-Alfonso
Oh, those hyphens are my downfall. I tend to get so carried away with punctuation and add way too much.
And then when I try to take them out my evil writer devil pops up on my shoulder and says:
"Emily Dickenson used a lot of dashes, so you can too."
I have to say, I really like this. I'm not much of a poem person, so this isn't going to be much of a review, but I just want to say that I really like the point you were trying to make here, as well as the way you were trying to convey it. The flow could be choppy at times, and I'm not sure how I feel about the way you separate your lines, but I guess it's more of an author's choice than anything, so I don't have anything to really say about that.
Anyway, I really liked this piece, and I think it's extremely unique, though I do feel you could make it even better with small improvement. Unfortunately, like I said, I'm not much of a poem person, so I can't really help you there XD. But great job! I like how the first and last line kind of tie together, really brings the whole thing together.
Well, I hope this helped!!!! Keep writing
Hey, thanks for reviewing even without being a poetry person! I appreciate it.
And I am thinking that maybe I'll work on this more (something I don't usually do with poetry) and make it into something better.
Thanks for the review!