We are bugs locked in amber from two different trees,
watching each other from across the distance.
Our wings are petrified, but our hearts
are hummingbirds trying to fight the spaces
between our fingers, between our arms, between
an existence before us and a future
in which we are never apart again.
There are moments of change
turned into pictures hanging on the wallpaper
that is my brain. Your hands, shaking, your voice,
your lips, your hands, your hair, your hands,
when I dream I am always whispering your name,
do you hear me crossing the ocean of sky
on my stolen pirate ship made of poetry?
I am sending you butterfly kisses, telling them
to follow the moonbeams to where they land on your face,
surely you must feel the tickle on your cheeks,
sudden warmth like the opening of an oven,
it is me calling to you, sitting alone,
wrapping my arms in your sweater, wishing
above all else that it would magic itself into you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Cailey AshleyDashley here for a review!
So first of all I'm a sucker for love poems. So yours caught my attention.
I love the way you start the poem with two bugs kept apart but still trying to get to each other. Then you made a connection of their hearts like hummingbirds. It was really really awesome. I really liked that part.
The other part I really like is where you talk about the in the second part of your poem. The feeling I got as I read it was one of an extreme love for a person. I like how you talk about whispering their name as you dream. It was my favorite part!
I saw no grammar errors so congratulations on that! Your flow was nice and I could really imagine all the details as I read. The feeling of this poem was extraordinary. You really got it there! As for your title maybe it could be called The Distance Between Us or something like that? I do not know it is a suggestion, but that came to e looking at your poem again.
Overall your poem was fantastic! I really liked it! Keep writing and I sincerely hope to read more of your work in the future!
AshleyDashley
Thanks tons for the review! And for the title suggestion!
Your welcome!
Often times I find love poetry cliche, but this, this is something else.
In fact his little poem you have written here is a rare and beautiful specimen of poetic prose. ^.^
The first stanza is my favorite,
"We are bugs locked in amber from two different trees,
watching each other from across the distance.
Our wings are petrified, but our hearts
are hummingbirds trying to fight the spaces
between our fingers, between our arms, between
an existence before us and a future
in which we are never apart again."
I love the metaphor of hearts being hummingbirds. Sigh <3 Lovely.
I only have two nit picks.
The first one being that I would change the title. It's not a terrible title, in fact it fits very well with the poem, especially after reading it, but your title is your "advertisement". Advertising this as, "Just another lonely love poem," isn't really going to attract readers. In fact it may repel a few.
I would instead title it, Hummingbird Hearts, or Bugs locked in Amber.
Of course, that is just me. :3
Another small nitpick would be to change Moonbeam, to Moonlight, simply because moonbeam sounds ...bulky? Awkward?
Where as Moonlight sounds beautiful.
Now, that is simply my own perception, and personal taste. If you don't agree, don't change a thing.
Anyway, that is all I have to say. ^.^ I was being serious when I said this was beautiful. It really truly is.
Keep writing!!! ^.^
Thank you! I definitely am working on a better title. I do like Hummingbird Hearts so maybe that will be the winner.