Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic


Coin

by Gravity


Heads
I get straight As,
everything is simple for me.
I have never worked for anything.
Nor will I ever work.
Daddy has money...
Or does he?

Tails
I get straight As,
I spend three hours studying,
every single night.
Daddy struggles to pay
rent to afford the best.
the rich kid school,
and the chance to be great.

Spinning
Around and around in circles,
Seeing each side fleetingly
Before switching to the next.
Now you see me,
Now you don't.
Soon you notice how my smile,
Just doesn't quite reach my eyes.
You notice the slump of my shoulders.
Although my back is rigid.

I quiver and wobble, my facade is failing,
Each side showing at random moments.

And then I fall.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
72 Reviews


Points: 704
Reviews: 72

Donate
Tue May 13, 2014 3:50 pm
Moo says...



Hi there defyingravity!

I have a review for you here. Instead of going into the nitty gritty I feel there are more general issues with this poem that command some attention, so I will give these my focus. I think you have an interesting metaphor/image here and it was my main reason for commenting. Thanks for posting! Now, to get down to the review....

Shape and Structure

I think we all know that the small things matter in a poem. To take from a personal example, in my most recent poem 'Taxidermist' I describe the taxidermist as 'bent' over his work. As I wanted to work with the idea of taxidermy as art, and how these people respect and recognise an animal in its original form, I changed this word to 'bowed'. It's a small change, but the whole meaning of the poem can be altered from one word in 229 others. Crazy, right?

The small things can also matter in other areas, like shape and structure, which is the focus of this point. To be honest I found this poem to look very sloppy; mainly due to its varying stanza and line lengths that seemed variable without reason or consideration. There is little sense of structure, and you break your lines on weak words such as 'I' or 'don't'. The last word in each line believe it or not has a great deal of emphasis, which you can see by reading aloud. What you are emphasising matters, and as you have the freedom of free verse, in my opinion there is no error for a bad break. Sometimes a break such as this can be done to a powerful effect and the fragmentation it produces add meaning to the language. I don't however think your end words carry any weight or meaning in this case.

The stanza length: what I found here was that your stanzas varied because there was a lack of attempt to follow some kind of pattern. Yes, to write as one feels can be completely liberating, but then again, where is the skill in that? It works and works well in some cases but I find it to be detrimental to your poem in this case. For example, stanzas one and two describe each side of a shape that is the same size on each face. In my opinion, it would be better if you kept the stanza length consistent in at least these cases; it was off putting to me. The shape, length of stanza and line and language of your poem are all important in reflecting the subject, and I encourage you to take that into consideration.

If you are taking a new line but not a new sentence, it's not necessary to capitalise. In most modern poetry this is generally the case, and capitalising each line is generally more archaic.

POV (Point of View)

You switch between speaking from the point of view from a person to the point of view of a coin. This is okay but I do feel the metaphor could do with some work. Making more direct comparison between the coin and the person throughout could be a way of achieving this; how you choose to do so, I'll leave up to you.

Some small errors

You notice the slump of my shoulders.
Although my back is rigid.


The end stop after shoulders should be a comma.


Now you see me,
Now you don't.


This is very contrived and seen as a cliché. Try to avoid these if possible. By all means, say the same thing but in a different way; in a way we're not expecting. Take me where I want to go, but surprise me on the journey.

Nor will I ever work


End stop needed here.

Conclusions

You're working with an interesting and arresting metaphor here for sure. You do have a talent for creating these and I want to praise you for going beyond the literal! The metaphor however does need to be carried more consistently throughout. Also consider the structure of your poem and how this may reflect the meaning.

Thanks for sharing this.

M




User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 262
Reviews: 17

Donate
Tue May 13, 2014 12:45 am
Midnightrose4 wrote a review...



Hey, here to review!

This really speaks to me, in the since of working for academic achievement. This was beautifully written, and I found no spelling mistakes (there may be some that I simply did not catch though).

I love the idea you were going for with this, I do think it needs a little cleaning up though.

"Spinning
Around and around in circles,
Seeing each side fleetingly
Before switching to the next.
Now you see me,
Now you don't.
Soon you notice how my smile,
Just doesn't quite reach my eyes.
You notice the slump of my shoulders.
Although my back is rigid."

I think this line should be changed only a bit, maybe use some different wording in there or something, in my opinion it just doesn't seem to flow as well as the rest of the poem (But that might just be me)

None the less, great job, keep up the good work. I'd love to read more from you :)




User avatar
212 Reviews


Points: 3486
Reviews: 212

Donate
Tue May 13, 2014 12:42 am
TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



I really liked this poem! It shows great potential. I like the straight A repetition, and I thought it would be nicer if it went throughout the poem as well. I especially liked this verse

Spinning
Around and around in circles,
Seeing each side fleetingly
Before switching to the next.
Now you see me,
Now you don't.
Soon you notice how my smile,
Just doesn't quite reach my eyes.
You notice the slump of my shoulders.
Although my back is rigid.

I think that if you modeled your other verses after this one it could help you a bit. Give a little bit more structure.

I really like this poem, love!




User avatar
18 Reviews


Points: 1173
Reviews: 18

Donate
Mon May 12, 2014 9:52 pm
kymorhens says...



This speaks a lot about how people treat academic talent. If you work hard for something, you appreciate it so much more than if you just have natural ability. It changes your perspective and makes you think about both sides while most poetry just shows one. Congratulations!





A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.
— Franz Kafka