She cuts the cords,
He fixes them up.
She bangs the pots,
He wears earmuffs.
She throws the papers
He stacks them up.
She freezes up, consumed by guilt,
He says to stop, to let it go.
She opens the door,
He slams it shut.
She twist and shouts,
He forgets what it's about.
She says to let go,
He doesn't let go.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I think I might just crawl into a ball and cry. That was beautiful. Love and heartbreak, what a pity they commonly intertwine with each other to create tragedy. That beautiful guy is so sweet, not wanting to let go of his love. Stop! Your killing me! There are grammatical errors, just a heads up. But go fix that later, I'm sure you'll realise where you've made mistakes. Heck, I always make mistakes haha.
Last thing; " she freezes up, consumed by guilt" kinda stuffed up the flow of the piece a little bit, maybe go back and rephrase that :/ I dunno.
Anyway, happy writing!
Your buddy, Legy.
Thanks for the review, whilst I wouldn't say that the guy is sweet, and don't want him to be portrayed as sweet, I can see how you would see it that way. When I first showed my friend, who I wrote it for, she found it cute and lovely, but after she read it again she realised it wasn't sweet. But I suppose poetry is open to interpretation and you are welcome to have your own.
Anyway, thanks for the comment xx
Herro~
Two quicky nitpicks--
Perhaps revise this so it makes more sense? If she's cut the cords, then him pulling them tighter wouldn't work, since she's cut them off. I might just be thinking too realistically about it, but a little revision won't hurt to try.
It's*
Okay. So this poem has a very flexible message, meaning the relationship between the boy and the girl is unknown. This could be domestic abuse, relationship abuse, friendship abuse, some other form of abuse, or this could be something else entirely. The relationship between the two is not defined anywhere, so it could apply to anything and everything, and so everyone who has been abused can relate.
The message itself is told very nicely. Using examples to show how she tries to break free and he holds her back was a good idea. I like how he tells her to let it go but doesn't let her let go. It's a nice contrast, to see how little freedom he gives her.
Overall, this was really good and I liked it. It was nicely written, so thank you for sharing. ^^
Hope that helps~
Thanks for your review. I understand what you mean about the relationship. I actually wrote this for a friend who was experiencing something similar with this boy she had been dating but is now friends with. So in a way I wanted the nature of the relationship to be flexible.
Thanks for the review, I will revise it and fix up the mistakes.
This was a well written and very direct poem. This is a good way of describing an abusive relationship or something of the sort.
'He grabs earmuffs' sounds a bitt odd to me, I don't know why. Perhaps 'He puts on earmuffs' would sound more 'correct' (him just grabbing them does not bear much meaning, him putting them on signifies that he does not want to hear her.)
Otherwise very good poem, short and easy to understand. Not too, um, graphic considering the context, but still written so that one understands what it is about.